Page 52 of Balance

Maybe, if I was lucky, I could convince him to stay.

CHAPTER 27

TROYE

Dinner had gone both better and worse than I’d imagined. Better, because Charlie had been there to smooth things out. Worse, because things needed to be smoothed out at all.

I tried not to care when people didn’t like me, but that’s because most of my haters were faceless entities online. Nothing more than a username and some vitriol. They weren’t important and had no impact on my life.

But Jett was Matthew’s best friend. He was important to Matthew, and I hated being the cause of friction between them. If I was a touch more selfless, I’d break up with Matthew so he could fix things with Jett. So they could go back to normal. But I was far too selfish for a move like that.

Matthew showered me with affection when we arrived home. Well, to his home. Where an alarming number of my things now lived. Sweaters I forgot to take home. A coffee cup that I’d brought because Matthew’s cups weren’t right for my morning coffee. They were too big and too thick, and I liked my cups better. They weren’t as heavy, whereas Matthew’s made me feel like I was lifting weights.

When we walked in the door, Matthew pulled me into his arms, and he just held me like that, his face buried in the curve of my neck. His arms wound tight around me like he was trying to prevent my escape.

“I’m sorry about Jett.” He sighed against my skin, sounding tired and defeated and a little lost.

“If it helps to hear, so am I.”

Matthew laughed. It was weak, but it was there.

I clung to him, gripped his shirt in my fingers, and fought the urge to sink my teeth into his skin, to mark him like that for no reason other than the sort of feral need pacing around inside me like a caged animal. Jett’s outburst had me feeling off kilter about everything from who I was to my relationship with Matthew.

I tried hard to be an honest person, to not ever lie or purposely mislead people. I certainly didn’t steal or sabotage companies. And it stung more than a little that Jett thought that about me. However irrational he was being for whatever reason, it still stung.

“You’re unsettled,” Matthew said, brushing his lips against my neck.

“Am not,” I challenged without really knowing why. Or maybe I did know why and wasn’t ready to admit to myself that sometimes I wanted Matthew to spank me until I cried. I craved that release, that strange sort of closeness that I felt when he pulled me down into his lap, bare ass pointing toward the ceiling, and spanked the life out of me.

“Do you need something, sweetheart? All you have to do is ask.”

He made it sound so simple. Just ask. Just open your mouth and request that another grown man spank you like you’re a child. Just be vulnerable and cry on his lap while you’re at it.

I knew I could ask, and I wanted to ask. The words were right there on the tip of my tongue, but some part of me didn’t want to ask. Some part of me liked it when he took over and made me behave. It scratched an itch in my brain that I never knew existed until he calmed it. It made me feel settled and strangely cared for.

“I don’t need anything.” I tried to pull away from Matthew… sort of. If I really wanted to, I could have wrenched myself free of his grasp. But he held tighter and when our eyes met, I begged for him to understand the game without me needing to say it. I didn’t want to actually be forced into being spanked, but I wanted that illusion. I wanted the satisfaction of the act without having to explicitly say the words. I wanted to be a little bad, and then I wanted him to correct me and forgive me. I wanted him to love me.

A look crossed Matthew’s face. Confusion at first, then understanding. Then the corner of his mouth lifted into a smile that looked more dangerous than inviting.

“You wouldn’t be lying to Daddy, would you?” Matthew’s grip on me tightened, and it was all I could do not to moan and dissolve into a puddle at his feet.

“I don’t need anything. I’m fine.” My stupid voice cracked, which made me actually irrationally angry. This was supposed to be pretend. This was supposed to be fun. Matthew was supposed to see my bit of brattiness and then spank it out of me, and I was supposed to fall apart then. Not now.

“Yellow,” Matthew said and my body went immediately still. We’d talked about safe words but had never used them before. He told me that I could always use my safe word, no matter what, and that he wouldn’t hold it against me. That safe words were there to protect both people. Did… did Matthew need to be protected… from me?

“Troye, sweetheart, I need you to breathe.” Matthew cupped my cheek and stared into my eyes with endless concern. “I’d love to give you what you need, but I’m worried about doing the wrong thing. You’re sending me mixed signals. Like you want to be a brat and earn a spanking, but you’re already shattering. I can’t give you what you want if I think it’s actually going to hurt you.”

My chin fucking wobbled. My throat was so tight that no words could get out. Just a sound, a pathetic keen of someone who knew that heartbreak was imminent and couldn’t do anything to stop it.

“Troye, talk to me, please.” Matthew smoothed his thumbs over my cheeks, wiping my tears away, I realized. Because of course I was crying. He’d safe-worded because he needed to check on me. He wanted real answers, and he wasn’t going to let me hide in our game. Not when it didn’t feel like a game to me.

“If you can’t talk, maybe you can listen.” Matthew swiped more of my tears away, then cradled my face in both his hands. “Jett is a bastard who was raised by a bastard. He tries not to be the way he is, but sometimes it leaks out. The way he treated you is a reflection on him, not on you.”

“But—”

Matthew put his fingers over my mouth.

“Shhh. Daddy’s talking. Be a good boy and don’t interrupt.”