Page 44 of Absolution

“You know, you can put cells on speaker, and everyone can hear the conversation?”

“Yeah, he got nowhere. He’s too damn crabby for a man that got lit this weekend.” Quinn grumbles in the background.

I set my fists on my side, sighing loudly. “Again, folks. Once it’s on speaker, I can hear everything.”

“Give me the phone,” Lee insists. A few seconds and a muffled phone later. “what happened?”

“Ughh. Everything. Nothing.” I groan.

“It seems we’ve been here before. I might need a little more detail.”

“Honestly, Lee… I love you. All of you, but this is beyond most understanding. Including mine.” How do I say I freaked out? That I’m worried about hurting her? Most of all, how can I give myself to someone when I don’t even know who it is I’m offering?

“CREED!” Lee yells.

I hold the phone away from my ear, waiting for her to stop. “Why are you screaming?”

“I called your name no less than ten times. Why are you not answering?”

“I went down the rabbit hole like I have for days now.”

She releases a heavy sigh. “I think you should go talk to Drew. Although, I think you’re right.”

“Huh? I wasn’t expecting you to agree with me.”

“I can’t imagine what you’ve lived through. And though we’ve watched your transformation since you’ve been home, I’m not qualified to say you are capable of more.”

Wow. All of this time, I’ve been waiting for someone to understand where I’m coming from, then it happens, I’m fucking pissed about it. “Why now? After all the months of pushing me, telling me I need to live. Now, I should stop?”

“If you’re not prepared to face life when it knocks you down, you’re sure as hell not ready for the knockout blow. And that’s something I know a lot about.” Lee’s words sink like cement in my stomach. Anchoring me to the bottom of a sinking ship.

“Well, damn girl. You could’ve warned me the class was starting.”

“Wasn’t that ‘fingernails on a chalkboard’ enough for you?” She snickers.

“Yeah, I suppose it was.”

There’s a long pause before she finally speaks again. “Listen, life’s a shitshow at times. How we handle it, can often be just as bad. But I would rather die trying than live dying.”

“Are you sure you’re not a therapist?”

“I prefer… life coach!” Lee might be right this time, but as always, I live with the what-ifs.

“I’m at an impasse, Lee. Right now, living to die sounds so much safer than to die trying. Or worse, someone else dying because I had to try and live.”

She falls silent again. No doubt trying to come up with an excellent response, but this time, I think I’ve stumped her. “Talk to Drew. If he tells you to stop trying, no harm. But if he says, keep on, then this is on you, and that might be harder to live with than anything else.”

“Are we even friends? Why in the hell do I let you do this to me?” Her laugh is sweet, with a slight lilt and lifts my spirits.

“Talk later.” I end the call, taking Doc back home to get cleaned up myself. Now that she’s relieved herself, Doc’s ready to run. Me, not so much, and she practically drags my ass home.

Later that afternoon, I hit Drew up to meet me for a drink. Okay, I’ll buy him one, I’m still green around the gills.

Creed: I need a friend.

Drew: You’ve got it.

Creed: Hot Tuna @6?