Page 77 of Love Lessons

Ash rubbed his shoulder. Thanks for sharing that. I have no idea why they weren’t interested in you, but let’s assume for a minute that they were all assholes who didn’t know a good thing when they had it. And let’s assume that Dustin is crazy about you, which is what he said, and can break the three-month curse. So, do you want a relationship with him?

Landon let himself really consider it for the first time. I… I don’t even know. I feel like when I’m with him it’s this slice out of my real life.

In a good way?

Yeah, he finally admitted with a smile that momentarily cut through the lingering sadness. It’s kind of magical being with him. I’ve just been scared of getting used to it.

I’m hearing you say that you want a relationship with him, but you’re just worried it won’t work out. Is that it?

Landon nodded. Ash made so many things simpler.

Let’s assume that you want a relationship, then, and we can guarantee that you’ll stay together. Do you also want him to be your Daddy?

Memories rushed by. Kneeling. Showering. Sitting at his feet or in his lap. The way that Dustin asked about his plants. And then dreams and fantasies. The sexy ones and the gentler ones where he imagined lazy mornings in the kitchen and falling asleep in his arms.

It was all tinged with the sorrow of subdrop and the hurt from the parking lot this morning, but he still wanted to reach for it. I think I want that.

OK, here’s another one. Dustin seems to be pretty set on being in a closed, committed relationship. I don’t know what that means to him, but let’s pretend for a moment that he’s not interested in being in a relationship where you flirt, hook up, or have scenes with anyone else. Could you be happy in that type of relationship?

Landon wanted to have an answer. It should be easy, right? But objections kept jumping through his head. What if things didn’t work out? What if he accidentally flirted with someone and messed everything up? What if Landon was the problem in all of his past relationships? Or what if he couldn’t commit now? What if he was fine with a relationship, but didn’t want to give up as much control as Dustin wanted to take? Or worse, what if he wanted to give all of that control away and he became reliant upon it, like an addiction, and couldn’t survive if Dustin left?

The blanket of sadness started to nestle in again, sneaking into the corners of his brain like tendrils of fog.

Lola asked to be pushed on the swing, and of course Matt wanted the same thing. The kids flew high into the air and Landon wished that something so simple could make him happy.

Don’t think I didn’t notice that you haven’t answered my question, Ash said between pushes.

I know. I’m trying.

Ash gave Lola a bigger push and then turned to face him. Let me try asking this another way. You just said you would have hooked up with me. And believe me, that would have been hot. I’ve seen you as a Dom and… wow. Ash smirked, flicking their hand at the wrist to show their enthusiasm.

But, Ash continued, it would have been meaningless and over soon, and you’d just be jumping to the next scene. So if you had to choose between that hook-up with me and having Dustin as your Daddy, who would you choose?

The idea of having Ash at his mercy was compelling. Especially now that they’d blushingly admitted their crush and turned out to be so insightful and kind. Landon would have loved to take them apart and make them soar.

But it clarified something even more important. If he had to choose? He’d choose Dustin every time. Whatever was going on, it wasn’t just the most amazing sex he’d had in his life or discovering a new kink, it was that Dustin knew when he took his lunch break and sent him texts just as he opened his lunch. It was the way that Dustin had taken him to go running in a new park.

And it was impossible to separate all of that from how it felt when he told Dustin “make me,” and Dustin did.

There really wasn’t any comparison.

Um, I kind of feel like a dick saying this… This was one of those times when Landon hated how much eye contact signing required. He felt terrible that Ash had apparently been crushing on him and he hadn’t even noticed. Especially now that he was getting to know them better.

If things were different… but he wasn’t going to go down that path. Any glow of excitement he felt about Ash was overshadowed by his tumult of emotions for Dustin.

Let me guess... I solved all your problems because I’m brilliant? Ash's smile was just a little too bright.

They were obviously deflecting, but there wasn’t much Landon could do except to follow their lead and not make a big deal about it. Yeah, I mean… I do actually find you attractive. And I would have hooked up with you if I knew.

But not anymore?

Yeah.

Ash shrugged. I know. We wouldn’t have been a good fit anyway. We both need Daddies.

Who knew? I guess.

Oh, that’s another question. I know you’re a switch, but that doesn’t seem like something that Dustin’s going to be into. How do you feel about losing that?