Page 63 of Client from Hell

“What dogs?” Jonas demanded, but he obeyed and went to get dressed, muttering curses all the way to the motel’s bathroom. “You collect ponies and cats.”

“Belial is basically a dog.” Lucifer shrugged. “A very strange and disturbing dog.”

“According to my sister, Belial is a crushed tomato with tentacles that unfortunately has Belial’s face haphazardly plastered into the mix, and if she never has to look on his true visage again, she would be quite happy about that.” Jonas closed the bathroom door, and I laughed at the curses the incubus spewed while he got dressed.

“Don’t mind him. He’s always grouchy when he’s woken up from a good nap. He’s even grouchier because he doesn’t want you at risk at all. I understand that, as I get rather cranky if I think my darling is about to get into trouble. He can’t deny the need for what we’re doing, which is doing a good job of making him even surlier. I am going to be cheating a little for this to help make certain you’re as protected as I can make you.”

“Oh?”

“I’m going to ask Him to keep an eye on you, and should things escalate beyond your ability to handle, He will make certain the situation is defused. We do not want to see this world end because of the machinations of pathetic humans. He cannot directly intervene—but He can keep an eye on you, for you are part of our family, and the universal rules have some allowances for such things.”

Huh. I raised a brow and engaged the Devil in a staring contest. “If you tell me you wanted me to shack up with Jonas specifically so you could use this as part of your scheme, I’m going to help Darlene with her latest cruel and unusual punishments of your person.”

“No. I’m an asshole, but I don’t throw people together for that sort of reason. Usually, I’m after the kids of my target. Jonas gets special treatment because he’s my darling’s little brother. In his case, I wanted a woman who could keep up with him and tolerate his character flaws, of which he has many.”

“I’m still not seeing all of these character flaws you claim are there, Lucifer.”

“He lies and steals,” the Devil reminded me. “He will also pull many a prank on you, and it’s only a matter of time until you find your panties in unusual places. He is arrogant as well.”

“I’m an attorney. I’m a professional liar. I’ll work on the stealing thing, but as long as he doesn’t get caught and he’s not hurting people who can’t afford to have things stolen from them, I really don’t care that much. If you’re his primary target, I’m going to encourage his thieving ways. And anyway, is it really his fault Diana left her panties where he could get ahold of them?”

“I see Jonas has corrupted you.”

“I’m pretty sure I came pre-corrupted. Anyway, if you’re going to stick a tracker in me, get to work. Will I get better cellular reception?”

“Alas, this chip won’t make your internet connection any better.”

Damn. Built-in internet would have rocked. “Well, that’s disappointing. Am I getting an injection of the Mark of the Beast with this?”

“I really don’t see why people think I’m going to literally mark people during the end times. The End of Days is a battle, not a people registration. It’s the souls that matter at that stage, and they mark their own souls according to their sins. Maybe if they didn’t sin and expect Him to forgive them for no reason whatsoever, they wouldn’t have to worry about any marks I might give them.”

Apparently, I had stumbled upon a sore point. “Should I just apologize now?”

Lucifer dismissed my offer with a wave of his hand. “Humanity has always been good at twisting things. There is no Mark of the Beast. The only mark is the darkness of their sin on their souls. There are wages they pay for their sin, and no matter what they want to believe, the entirety of their lives are weighed for determining their final destination and the wages they pay—or the rewards they receive. No amount of begging, pleading, or asking for forgiveness will change that. In reality, the End of Days is just that: the end. Nobody will be getting out of it alive, not even Him, and not even me. We all will perish, although the universe itself will preserve certain seeds.”

“Like yours?” I guessed. Having seen the Devil with his beloved Darlene, I wondered if her seed would find its way back to Lucifer someday after the end had destroyed everything.

“Like mine,” he confirmed. “And then the cycle begins anew until the next End of Days resets everything once more. As such, we have decided we would much rather like to avoid the End of Days to begin with. And so ancient enemies have become staunch allies in the face of a world willing to bring about its own end.”

“That does seem rather stupid.”

“That is one of the prices of free will. We are allowed to do stupid things, even if it brings about our destruction. Food for thought, isn’t it?” Lucifer went to work prepping the ridiculous needle and the chip he intended to embed beneath my skin. “In good news, thanks to your lycanthropy virus, this won’t hurt for long.”

“How reassuring,” I muttered, sighing and presenting my left arm to the Devil. “I’d say do your worst, but you would, so please don’t.”

“I knew you were a smart one.”

Fifteen

In good news, I woke up.

As the Devil’s prey already searched for me using the CDC’s database, he decided to make the bastards work to catch me. To get information on the outfit, he installed a mix of magical and mundane surveillance intended to gather information on those out to study me. I contributed by creating a series of illusions to trick my kidnappers into believing they’d caught me completely unaware, as Lucifer worried what they would do if they were tipped off I was serving as willing bait.

Then, to make sure I enjoyed a comfortable kidnapping, Lucifer had the CDC’s file adjusted to imply I was rather fragile, something I enforced with an illusion to cover my better-than-expected health. Another flag went into the file concerned for my poor little virus, something that made me laugh. To help protect me as much as possible, the Devil also had an assortment of medications added to my file, some of which I’d even take to trick our adversaries.

My randy little virus wanted nothing more than to trap Jonas in bed for the rest of eternity rather than deal with a bunch of asshole illegal lab operators. I wondered if she’d ever calm down or if I’d be stuck enduring cravings for the incubus and his special brand of attention.

Jonas fretted about the entire venture, annoying everyone until Lucifer captured the incubus and dragged him back to hell for a timeout while I prepared for my date at some lab. Any other day, I would have enjoyed my stay at the country cottage thirty minutes outside of Athens, one of Lucifer’s many properties, operated by a land management firm most had no idea worked for the Devil. While my virus whined over being separated from our incubus bed buddy, I finished my work staging the place for my debut as a test subject. After erasing the evidence we were aware our prey came for me, I settled in to wait.