Page 17 of Catnapped

If the world found out the Devil had a rather compassionate side to him, his reputation would be irreparably damaged. Worse, people might look up to him as a somewhat evil role model. “Okay. So, you want me as a secretary, and my breasts rising up and killing me would put a damper on any plans to claim me as a secretary. As human lifespans, typically a period of sixty to a hundred years depending on gender and general health, would result in you needing to replace your secretary yet again in a somewhat short period of time, you have some method of extending my lifespan. Of course, removing the cancer would be required, as that would kill me much sooner than reaching the end of my natural lifespan. That means you also have other ideas in mind for me, possibly including a conversion, as a human’s lifespan isn’t really tolerable for someone acting as your secretary.”

The Devil stared into his wife’s eyes. “Now do you understand why I must have her?”

“I understood why you wanted her from the beginning. You’ve been gunning for her for years. I’m disgusted you’re taking advantage of a catnapping to pursue your wicked plans. And cancer. You’re taking advantage of cancer. Actually, that’s a little evil, even for you.”

“It’s not my fault she’s developing it. And it’s not evil. It’s just slightly underhanded. It’s not like I’m going to make her bargain hard over it. Mostly, I’m going to bargain she go through the interview process and seriously consider my offer—”

“Bargain made,” I announced. “If the cancer isn’t going to be a menace, I would prefer to rescue my cat first, but I will pay up and listen to your pitch within a week of the recovery of my cat. I’m not even going to stipulate it’s a safe recovery, as you are already bound to do what you can to safeguard my cat’s life until I can find and rescue him myself.”

The Devil grunted while his wife tossed her head back and cackled.

“What?” I asked.

“You just outplayed him at his own game. Because you’re accepting that bargain, and because he really wants you for his secretary and you called him out on his little act of evil there, he’s basically obligated to handle your healing for a pittance. That would have been his baseline offer, and he would have talked you up.”

“His baseline offer is completely beneficial to me, and he does get serious consideration, which beats the resounding no I would otherwise give him if I have to stress about having cancer in the first place. Now, of course, I’m going to absolutely have a stress-induced meltdown regarding the current status of my breasts, but I suspect Lucifer is damned good at eradicating things like cancer.”

“He’s actually one of the best divines for treating cancer. It’s the disease’s general malevolence; he just has an affinity with it,” Darlene explained. “But truth be told, none of us had any idea you had cancer until he teleported you. He expected you to react poorly because he peeked, but he hadn’t peeked more than a little. The reality of your reaction clued him in there was something really the matter with you, so he asked one of his brothers to do the diagnosis work. They’re better at things like that. But you don’t have to wait for the treatment. It’ll just take him a few minutes and some of his holy fire. It’ll let him set in some protections for you, too. There, Lucy. Bargain with her over the protections.”

The Devil scowled. “I don’t want to.”

“Don’t be a mule. Just because she cornered you doesn’t mean you need to sulk. You need your future secretary alive to do secretarial work, so you need to protect her. And because you need her alive for the rest of your nefarious plans, you can do the protections because you can. And if you won’t, I’ll just call one of your brothers and ask nicely. I’ll use several dirty, filthy, and utterly rotten words on them.”

The Devil made a warning gesture against evil, something I found to be so absurd I giggled. “I married a cruel feline!”

“You begged for it, too. On your knees.”

“You’re so ruthless.”

If the pair got any sweeter with each other, I’d throw up on them—or at least gag. For the sake of my pride, I’d do my best to stick to gagging. “Should I leave the room? Just don’t engage in your perversions on Darian. He’s obviously wiped out if he’s able to sleep through this nonsense.”

Darlene turned and smiled at the man, who remained prone on the couch. “He wasn’t feeling all that well, either. And since the last thing we need is his parents freaking out because he isn’t in perfect health, he got a dose of holy fire. Unlike you, Lucifer blindsided him. Holy fire is rough on mortals, even the children of triads, so he’ll sleep it off.”

“What was wrong with him?”

The Devil chuckled. “High blood pressure, probably partly induced from stress and having three overbearing parents riding his ass all the time, and his liver was displeased with him due to some unhealthy eating habits. He also had a rather nasty ulcer in the works because of those unhealthy habits. While I’m usually all about people facing the consequences of their actions, these issues would have impaired his ability to help you find your cat. I don’t think you’d appreciate him having a stroke or vomiting blood during one of the touchier phases of your mission.”

“You would be correct. Why didn’t you just punch me with the holy fire at the same time?”

“The work for you is a little touchier, and while I’m best at handling cancers, I’m going to ask one of my brothers to help. I also want to discuss the matter of your mortality. You have options.”

Interesting. From what I understood, the converted didn’t have an option in what they became; the Devil—or Him—decided. “I have options? Like what?”

“Your soul can be infused with divinity from a variety of pantheons, even beyond the limitations of Christianity. You could opt to take on the lycanthropy virus, which I can revive at my whim, essentially granting you a form of immortality. It wouldn’t stop you from dying from injury, but you wouldn’t die from old age, for example. There are a variety of species you could be converted to, including unicorns, although most unicorns will only convert their mates. However, I’m acquainted with a few mares who might be game to offering blood donations to an interested party for a shameful amount of money. As I need my secretary to be working for me and not resenting me for my influences on her lifespan, this decision must belong to you. Your soul will remain yours, but it would undergo some changes. There are also other species of demon you might find interesting.”

“I was a mortal before the lout here got his filthy hands on me,” Darlene said. “It’s just something you need to be aware of and decide for yourself. Find your cat first, and then you can ask one of the archangels for full disclosure. Had I been smarter, I would have asked for better disclosure before he’d converted me into a succubus with a very restricted diet of Lucifer.”

The Devil grunted.

“What? Somebody should have warned me how damned moody I’d get if I’m hungry. Take it from me, Diana. Being a succubus has its perks, but the hunger is no joke, especially when your man decides to go throw a party instead of staying in bed where he belongs. Or he decides to come to the mortal coil and stick around for a few days, leaving me to run the show at home while I’m hungry. I think the bastard knows when I’m getting peckish and decides he wants to be hunted, so he runs off so I’m forced to chase him. I do not recommend becoming a succubus unless you have a dedicated food source who isn’t a jackass.”

I could imagine the Devil forcing his wife to hunt him so he could enjoy her frustrations without any effort at all. “Lucifer, stop being a jackass to Darlene.”

“But she’s so delightful when she’s hungry. Why do you want to rob me of joy?”

“You might be an asshole, but until I have my cat back, I eclipse you in my base capacity to be a complete and total asshole. I’m only accepting delaying my search until morning because if I had to come here myself, I wouldn’t arrive until sometime in the afternoon, and that’s unacceptable. Starting fresh is better, assuming you’re keeping your word about Mr. Flooferson.”

“I have taken steps to make certain your cat should survive, although there are limitations to what I can do in this matter.”