Page 16 of Catnapped

“Not really. Just take my word on this one. You don’t want to know. And off we go. Darian, do try to keep her from hitting her head. Trying to find her cat with a concussion would make her even crankier than she already is. Take it from me. The last thing you want or need in your life is a woman you’re living with being extra cranky because of a headache you can’t cure with good sex.”

Five

Somebody had dressed me in silky, snow leopard print pajamas.

For someone dubbed the Lord of Lies, the Devil liked telling the truth. Had he informed me teleportation would hit with the force of a semi at highway speed and give me a damned good idea of what it might feel like if someone were to spear a white-hot hook through my nose in an attempt to liberate my appendix, I would have walked to California.

While naked, barefoot, and armed with a sharpened stick.

As warned, I failed to retain consciousness. I appreciated waking up tucked in a warm, soft bed, although nearby voices did a good job of jolting me awake and back to awareness of the theft of my cat, the trashing of my home, and my odd bargain with the Devil. As Lucifer had a sense of humor, I peeked under the covers.

Somebody had dressed me in silky, snow leopard print pajamas. Upon wiggling my toes, I determined they weren’t pajamas, but an adult-sized onesie. I patted my head to discover a little hood with rounded kitty ears. I could make a few guesses who was responsible for the snow leopard onesie, and the bitch would wait nearby to admire her handiwork.

“Darlene, you are such a cat!” I announced, flinging off the blankets and sliding out of bed. The memory of teleporting lingered, but a few stretches dispelled the worst of the phantom sensations. Rather than a traditional hotel room with the bed in the main room, I was in a proper bedroom with a small television and a dresser. The lack of a closed door reassured me I was in a hotel.

In the neighboring room, the Devil’s wife cackled. “I really am. Lucifer didn’t want to give you any reasons to take off his head or go for Darian’s throat, so he asked me to make sure you got tucked in all right. Then he had one of his brothers stop in and check on your health. You’re working too much, and you have an underlying medical issue. Come on out here so we can handle that problem. Then I’m taking my lout home and having words with him for not having checked sooner. He’s supposed to check everyone we work with frequently.”

I headed for the connecting room to discover a sitting room with a kitchenette and a pair of doors, one of which led to a bathroom. To my surprise, the Devil and his wife were perched on the opposite arms of the couch while Darian slept sprawled over the cushions, oblivious to their presence.

I’d have to inform him adults could share a bed without getting into any trouble or indulging in sexual activities.

First, I had to deal with the two guests imported straight from the darkest pit of some hell.

“There’s something wrong with me beyond teleportation making it feel like somebody was driving a hot poker through my nose to rid me of my appendix?” I possessed unfortunate first-hand experience of what having a dud appendix could do to a woman, and I didn’t miss mine in the slightest.

“The underlying medical issue is why that happened,” Darlene replied, hopping off the couch to stride to me, indulging in a hug before grabbing both of my breasts. “These beauties need some work, babe.”

I stared down at her hands, raising a brow at her rather intimate behavior, something I expected from a succubus. Having been grabbed by succubus before and well aware they either indulged in such behavior to attract a male or they were starved and hoped for any form of energy possible, I decided to ignore her posturing.

Knowing Lucifer, he likely hadn’t been home for a day or two, resulting in a hungry Darlene who needed to rile him up before she could be fed properly. Hungry women, especially me, often made poor choices, so I went with her flow and opted to be amused by her behavior. Then, the reality of her choice to grab my breasts smacked me, as there were three options I could think of for what she meant. “Are my breasts too large, too small, or did I lose the roll of the dice and develop cancer? I’m not sure what other problems breasts can have beyond cancer and sizing. If you say they’re mismatched, I will dunk your head in the toilet, Darlene. Honestly, while they’re a bit of a bear to buy nice bras for, they’re perfectly matched, and I think they’re a good size. I’m just large enough to get decent variety and colors with lace, but I’m too large to get them for cheap.”

Darlene gave a squeeze, adjusted her hold on my right breast, and jabbed me with her thumb.

The jolt of pain sent me jumping for the ceiling, and I slapped her hands away and cradled my abused breast. “No. Bad. You do not do that to somebody, Darlene! That is just absolutely rude and terrible, and I hope the Devil takes you for that one.”

The Devil chuckled. “This is the most entertaining thing I’ve seen in at least a year. I had no idea you were so liberal about people touching your breasts, Diana. And yes, I will take her, but not in the way you mean. You’re one of the few mortals who consider the comfort of demons when one unexpectedly decides to start touching. Most just get angry.”

“I just don’t mind when Darlene does it because Darlene is a cat, and cats like warm, soft things. While I’m intellectually aware she’s also a succubus and likely hungry, it’s just mean to deny a cat access to warm, soft things.” I gestured to my chest. “These? These are warm and soft. I’m not going to hold that against her, especially not when she has to deal with an eternity of putting up with you. If anyone else tried that stunt, they would probably have received a knee to the groin in exchange. And yes, I would knee you if you tried that, so don’t even think about it.”

“Oh, I’m going to feel that one for a while. I might need to count some spots to get over this cruel treatment of my person, my darling. She didn’t even bother to soften that blow. My ego might not survive.”

The Devil always found some way to amuse me, even when he was annoying the hell right out of me. “Does anyone actually care if your ego survives? Really, Lucifer. You’re the Devil. If you’re so weak you can’t handle a little criticism, you need someone more mentally stable doing your job for a while. Anyway, I’ve been around Darlene often enough to know she doesn’t just grab somebody’s breasts without having a good reason to, so I waited to find out what the reason is. It could be she’s just hungry and wants to rile you up, but I doubt that. Just because I’m not upset she decided to serve as breast support doesn’t mean I want just anyone grabbing me.”

“She likes me more than she likes you,” Darlene taunted. “And yes, after a long day of being in a bra, it’s a daydream to have someone just hold them up for a while. The straps dig in, the underwire pokes, and it’s tiresome. There’s a reason so many succubi refuse to wear clothes in our house. Bras suck.”

I smiled at the woman’s bizarre way of flirting with her husband. As I doubted Darlene was the kind to poke fun at my breast size without provocation, that left one unwanted and unpleasant option. “What stage of cancer do I have?”

Darlene glanced at Lucifer, and I found it interesting her expression begged him to answer the question.

He sighed. “It’s early enough you wouldn’t locate the first lump for at least another three or four months,” the Devil informed me. “You would catch it right away, because you are dedicated to checking at least once a month. At this stage, it’s quite simple for myself or one of my brothers to put an end to that nonsense. A bargain can cover the treatment, and the bargain won’t even cost you all that much.”

“Cancer is hardly nonsense,” I reminded him, wondering how I’d work at finding my cat while coping with my state as suffering from cancer—not that I’d started suffering yet. “Why are you being so liberal with your bargain offers, Lucifer?”

“I really want you to be my secretary. My current secretary is pregnant again and wants to spend more time with her family. Her husband and her wife are handling the rest of the finances, and I’ve been looking into a way to kick her out of the nest for a while. Her human is getting older, and she’ll need time to grieve once he’s gone.”

Ah. Another triad. “How long does her human have?”

“He’ll be paying the man upstairs a visit shortly after their next child turns eighteen. It’ll work out for the child in many ways. I have meddled to make sure her husband lives that long barring unnatural causes. But his natural lifespan ends there—and it ends there only because I am meddling. Otherwise, it would be sooner. Phenexia isn’t stupid, so she’s aware time is short and getting ever shorter. Her wife won’t peek because that’s how angels operate when it comes to their human partner. I’m not above meddling or peeking. This is meddling I can do without violating any of the universal laws, and he makes both of his wives happy.”