Page 71 of Here You Are

“Ben,” I interrupted.

“Wait, just let me finish. I need to get this off my chest, okay?”

I just nodded for him to continue.

“I don’t want you to see me with this baby and fall in love with this life and settle for me if you don’t want to be with me. I don’t want us to be together because of our circumstances or because of our baby. I love you, Cass. I’ve had a great love story, and I was happy with that being it for me. I never believed I would be so lucky as to fall in love again. You're everything to me. But I don’t want to feel like you’re settling for me.”

I pulled back from him slightly, my now protruding belly getting in the way of getting too close.

“Ben, I have been waiting for you. For almost forty years, I have been waiting for someone to choose me, accept me, and love me unconditionally. I’m sorry that it took me so long to see you. I wish I had believed I deserved someone like you and not wasted so much time thinking your life was not right for me. You are the reason your life is so beautiful. You are the reason that I want to be a part of it. I can’t wait to have this baby with you, but it’s not the only reason I love you. I’ve been waiting for you, and here you are. I’m sorry it took me so long to tell you that. I would want to be with you, no matter the circumstances. I love you, and I hope you feel as loved by me as I do by you.”

Ben looked down at me, tears running down his face as they often do. “I do. I just needed to hear you say it. I want to hear you say it every day for the rest of our lives, if that works for you.”

I snuggled back into him and said, “That sounds perfect.”

And it was perfect. Despite some of the challenges and the fast-forwarded trajectory of our relationship, things felt perfect.

It’s a boy.

It felt like time was flying, and it was already time for a twenty-week ultrasound. The excitement of finding out the gender was too much for either of us to handle, so we had to find out. We both said we didn’t care what we were having or have a preference.

When we arrived at our doctor’s appointment, we were better prepared than last time. I wasn’t on the verge of crying or barfing at a moment’s notice. Ben was giddy.

The ultrasound tech came into our room and started doing standard measurements. The baby was starting to look like a real baby instead of a blob, which was reassuring. Ben was sitting in a chair next to the bed, his head on my shoulder, watching the show.

After a few minutes, I started to get antsy.

“Are we going to be able to find out the gender today?” I asked the ultrasound tech.

She replied, “We will definitely try! The baby has to cooperate, but I'll see what I can find.”

After a couple more minutes, she paused the screen and asked, “Are you sure you want to know? It’s the moment of truth.”

“Yes!” we replied simultaneously.

She pointed at the screen and said, “See these two dots right here? You’re having a boy!”

Now, we said we didn’t care, but I wish I had been prepared to record Ben’s reaction when she said it was a boy. Ben immediately popped up, had the biggest smile on his face, and started a happy dance.

“YES!” cried Ben. “We are going to buy so much man shit for the house. We’re going to need cars, tractors, superheroes.”

He came over to hug me the best he could with the ultrasound still happening.

“How do you feel? Are you excited?” he asked me, once he stopped dancing and mentally “adding to cart” all of the new garage supplies he was going to need.

“Unlike some people in the room, I truly didn’t care what we were having, but I'm so excited for you to get a little boy. You're a hell of a girl dad, but this feels perfect.”

Mental note: buy Ben a bubble mower for Father’s Day.

The excitement over a baby boy on the way carried us through the cold winter months. We spent time getting the things we needed and thinking about baby names. I told him his name should probably end with an “N” since all the other kids’ names did. He said he had never noticed. Typical man.

The night before Valentine’s Day, Ben and I decide to head to the grocery store to get some movie night snacks for the girls and us. Being this pregnant, leaving the kids at home for an independent grocery run is kind of like a vacation. I feel like I am already in full Mom-Mode, and the baby isn’t even here yet, but I’m not mad about it. It’s given me a preview of what full-time mom life is going to be like. Dare I say, I love it?

As we are investigating the popcorn situation at the store, I hear someone say my name. It is a situation where you aren’t sure if someone is talking to you, or if there is someone else nearby with the same name, so I hesitate. I turn around, and there is Luke. He smiles at me, and then his eyes immediately bug out of his head. After a second of wondering why he is looking at me in shock, I realize he is looking down at the giant baby belly sticking out of my coat.

“Oh my god, Cass. I don’t think I'm supposed to ask this, but are you pregnant?”

I smile and nod at him, not knowing what else to say or where to start. He comes over and sweeps me into his arms.