Page 72 of Here You Are

It’s a little awkward, and it’s definitely no Ben hug, but it’s nice he’s happy for me, and there are no hard feelings.

As he is hugging me, he quietly says, “I'm so happy for you. I know this is everything you have ever wanted. Syd mentioned you were seeing someone. She seemed to have left out a big detail.”

I can feel tears welling up in my eyes because he knows how much I wanted this, and he’s happy for me. He’s a good guy, always has been; we just never wanted the same things.

“I’m guessing she didn’t think it was her place to tell you, or didn’t know if you would want to know. They’ve had a lot going on themselves. She knows, and she has been a great friend through this,” I replied.

Luke drops our embrace and takes a couple of steps back. He looks over at Ben and says, “Hey, Ben, right? Does this baby belong to you? How did you guys get reconnected anyway?”

Ben looks at me, confused, so I jump in. “Yes, this is Ben. Ben, this is Luke, an old boyfriend.” Then, registering Ben’s confusion, I look toward Luke and ask, “How did you know his name is Ben?”

Luke laughs and faces us with an incredulous look. “Are you guys serious? I’m not surprised you don’t remember our old apartment neighbors, Cass. You know, since you didn’t come out to socialize much. Remember, he and his wife,” Luke pauses, possibly wondering if he should be talking about Ben’s wife, “I’m sorry, I can’t remember her name. She was very pregnant—like due the next day—and they came over to play that drinking game with us. They were my elevator friends. Remember?”

My mouth is agape, and my heart is racing. I look over at Ben. He is silent, but I can see his wheels turning. He looks at me with a similar stunned expression.

“Yes, I remember,” I whisper.

“Hold on, are you guys just now realizing you have met before, when you have a baby on the way together?” Luke says, without judgment, but clearly shocked, we didn’t remember this night. “That is crazy!”

“Yeah,” I replied. “Wow, I can’t believe this.” I turn to Ben. “I saw Laura a couple of times in the building, but I moved out shortly after that, so we never really got to know each other. I never connected the dots. I never would have guessed she was your Laura. I only saw you that one time, and Laura one time after.”

Ben is still standing there silently, likely wracking his brain, wondering how we never figured this out. We’ve shared so much with each other about our past relationships.

“So how long have you guys been together?” Luke asks.

I grimace slightly and reply, “Oh, almost a year. I guess not long enough to triangulate all of our locations to see if we ever crossed paths before.”

Luke looks back and forth between us. “Well, it was good to see you guys, and happy you found each other. Again.” He reaches over and shakes Ben’s hand. He looks at me and gives me the most genuine smile, “Cass, I really am so happy for you. You're going to be a great mom.”

Luke turns to walk away, and Ben blurts out, “Laura died.” I look over at him, and he seems surprised that he said that out loud.

I watch as Luke turns back around and says, “I’m sorry to hear that, man. She was a very kind woman, and I’m glad I got to know her.” He looks at me and then at Ben. “Looks like you really know how to pick them. Congrats, again. See you around.”

Ben and I are quiet as we continue getting our supplies and check out. When we get to the car, Ben opens the door for me and helps me in before heading to the trunk with the groceries. He gets in the driver’s seat and starts the car. And then he just sits there, not moving.

I reached out to pat his arm. “Are you okay?”

He says, “Yeah, I’m okay.” He continues to sit there in silence, not making a move to drive away. After a few minutes, he speaks up again. “I can’t believe this.”

“That we had met before and didn’t know it, or that I seemingly can’t go into that grocery store without running into my ex?”

“All of it.”

Ben is quiet for the rest of the ride home, so I can tell that something is bothering him. He likes to use car time to catch up on the minute details of each other’s lives. There is no scrolling through your phone, because he normally has a lot to talk about.

We get home, unload the groceries, and get the movie started for the girls. Ben still isn’t saying much. I’m worried he is upset. Was he upset about the Luke interaction? Or maybe he thinks I knew who he was this whole time and was just playing dumb? I only ever saw him that one time at the party, and we didn’t even talk, so it’s totally reasonable that I wouldn’t have remembered him. My brain is going a mile a minute. I stay through the movie, snuggling with the girls and the baby since the baby is permanently attached to me at this time. After the movie, Ben gets up and starts herding the girls toward bed. I have definitely stepped into a trusted adult role with his kids, but I have still been leaving most of the major parenting duties to Ben. I’m trying to ease into stepparenting and don’t want to overstep. I’ll be moving in with them in a couple of weeks, so there will be plenty of time for me to help going forward. While he is putting the kids to bed, I send him a text that I am heading home.

After I waddle my way back home, I try to settle myself down, but my mind is still racing. I’ve never had an ex-boyfriend interaction with Ben, and I’m not sure where his head is at. It occurs to me that he could be feeling guilty about being with me in front of someone who knew his wife. I make some tea and go to my happy spot, trying to calm my thoughts so I can go to sleep. Remember when I wasn’t pregnant and could use the much more effective substance of alcohol for this purpose? Those were the days.

I decide to head up to bed for a long night of tossing and turning. I have checked my phone at least fifteen times, and Ben never responded to my text. I sent him another text asking, “Is everything okay?” and climbed into bed. Unable to calm my mind, I grabbed my phone to check again. I see he has read the text, but no response. I am in full-on panic mode. Should I go back over there? Should I give him space? It would help if I knew why he was so upset. I decided to give him some space and try again in the morning. If he still doesn’t answer, then I will panic.

Chapter 28

February 14th, 2022

I managed to fall into a fitful sleep until I heard a door open downstairs. It’s 2 a.m. I know that I set my security alarm before bed, so I’m not worried. Whoever is coming in has a key, which means it is either Widow Jenkins, Cora, or Ben. If it’s Cora, she’s drunk, and I’m about to go kick her ass out onto the street. If it’s Widow Jenkins, we are taking a long break from each other.

After a giant production of rolling myself out of bed, I make my way toward the living room. I find Ben walking toward me. He is carrying the baby monitor in his hand, and he has tears streaming down his face.