Page 49 of Falling Again

I hate it when you put her ahead of me.

I stare at my phone, feeling sick to my stomach. Dane is constantly jealous of my friendship with Anni. He says she is rude to him whenever she comes into the coffee shop and that she’s trying to separate us. I can’t imagine that is true. Annika can be a bit sharp, but she’s never intentionally mean unless someone is mean to her.

It’s one day. I’ll see you all day tomorrow. My art show is on Friday.

What art show?

I told you about it today after you dropped me off.

Hm. I think I’m busy.

You said you wouldn’t miss it.

Can we not text about this? I don’t want to fight over text.

Are we fighting?

When can I see you next?

I don’t know, why don’t you ask Annika when you can see me?

Don’t be like this.

I’ll see you tomorrow.

Love you.

Looking at my last message leaves a greasy feeling in my gut. I am gripping my phone at my desk, wanting to flee. I want to disappear. I put my notebook in my bag to leave the room.

“Where are you going? We still have about ten minutes of lab left,” Annika whispers, removing her earbuds and closing her laptop.

“I need to get out of here. I don’t feel well.”

“I’ll come with you.” She starts putting her books away and stands up. I link my arm around hers while we head out the door before telling the professor I am going to get some fresh air. He nods in understanding and says to head out for the day and get some rest.

When we emerge outside, the sun is gone. The skies are covered with thick gray clouds, and I look up in a panic. There is no sun to warm my face, to comfort me. My ears start to ring, and I look around. Annika links her arm around mine again, leading me away from the building. I am barely registering where she is leading me; all I can think about is the text replaying in my head. I want to text him again. I need him to respond. I need him to tell me he loves me back.

My vision is blurry. All I can make out are people and buildings. I don’t know if they are anyone I recognize or places I’ve been. Annika is leading me somewhere. I feel like I’m suffocating. I nearly shut my eyes when she leads me into a building with a familiar, calming smell. I try to remember what my middle school counselor told me to help me relax. Breathe, listen to the sounds and scents, and focus on my breath.

The air is calm and still. The busy sounds of the outside are immediately quieted, and all I hear are murmurs. I breathe in the scent of freshly turned pages and countless stories. I blink my eyes and will myself to relax. I turn my head up to the warm, yellow lights of the library, which aren’t quite as warming as the sun but still offer a hint of comfort.

We make our way to our favorite corner, Annika’s arm still linked with mine. Two large armchairs with a small table in between are tucked in the far back corner, away from the front door. I found this spot earlier in the year and find myself retreating here whenever I need alone time. It is my sanctuary, and Annika knew it was the exact spot I needed to be, even if I didn’t realize it myself.

We each take a chair, and she pulls out a textbook and her laptop, resuming the work she was doing in our lab. I push myself into the chair so my back is flush and bring my knees up to my chest, draping my dress over them. For a while, I sit like this. Without saying a word, Annika lets me. I look up at her and want to tell her what happened with Dane. I know she’d tell me to go hang out with him, but I don’t want to. I want to be with her.

I also know she won’t like what he said, so I choose not to say anything. I’m afraid she’s going to say what I fear most, that I can’t have it. But I can’t let go. Being with him is exhilarating. I can only guess this is what it feels like to take drugs, constantly chasing the high. I’m at the bottom of the pit and live to feel the thrill of being loved again. To feel his arms wrapped around mine, skin to skin. To feel that I am the only thing in his world that consumes him, because that’s what he is to me. I need to feel that high again, and I can’t tell Annika all these things because she wouldn’t understand. She’s never been able to let go and love. So, I sit here and don’t tell her what happened. I feel like she knows the gist anyway. She knows me too well.

We sit silently in the library for an hour until Annika closes her books and looks up at me.

“You hungry?” she asks. I nod. We stand up and make our way over to the dining hall. I let all my thoughts about Dane consume me, and sink into a trance-like state. I try not to let Annika’s concerned looks affect me. She’s accustomed to this, to me shutting down.

Even though I know I shouldn’t expect Dane to attend my art show today, I wish he would. He ghosted me this whole week. I’ve gone through waves of texting him things I’m doing, sending pictures of things we’ve joked about, and asking him questions. He doesn’t respond to any of them. There is a pit, deep in my belly, swirling around. I can feel it alive in me. Each day it crawls up higher. Today, it’s sitting in my chest, stiff and constricting. I can barely breathe.

I put on a happy mask as I present my artwork. I spend the whole time looking around for him, wishing he would come by in a grand gesture and buy up all my art. I push away negative thoughts about him because I don’t believe it will bring him back, but I’m worried I’ve lost him.

Six Years later

My world is falling apart. Everyone I’ve known and loved is leaving or has already left me. Why can’t I make people stay? I can draw them in and have fun with them, but then something about me doesn’t allow me to linger in their life. I realize this and desperately try to grab them, keeping them near me. But that pushes them away even more so. Perhaps my life will always be like this, temporary people coming in and out of my life like I’m a library book.