Page 50 of Falling Again

“I’m going to be alone,” I mutter, curled inward in the passenger seat of Annika’s car. This day is perhaps the worst day of my life—even more so than the day my dad left. Annika tried to tell me the news gently because she knew I’d freak out. I am aware I have attachment issues, but she’s my best friend. I love her and her family more than anyone.

She’s moving. She hates her life in San Diego, unbeknownst to me, and is moving to a small town that sounds fake. I’ve gone through so many waves of emotions this evening. Shock, sadness, guilt, relief, happiness, and then shock again. It’s just another thing to add to my crumbling life.

I let myself go back to Dane. Over and over again, even when he wasn’t the right fit for me anymore. I knew this. I knew it when we got back together several months ago. I think I knew it back during our first big fight. This past year, we took the longest break yet. It was my choice, I guess. I had given so much of myself to Dane and wanted to see if there was someone else out there for me. I occasionally dated other guys, but didn’t let them get too close. I found myself not trusting myself around them. I didn’t trust them with my heart.

Then, a few months ago, I ran into Dane at the beach, and we talked for a long while. We decided to try again. And so, we did, and it was good for a while, but it was so different than before. He didn’t like it when I left my clothes at his apartment, so I took a giant duffel bag every time I stayed the night. He also never wanted me to stay more than two nights. He said, “We should pretend like this is new, start fresh.” But I had a deep feeling that he was seeing someone else at the same time. He didn’t keep any of my photographs or drawings at his place. One day, I tested it. I left a drawing I scribbled under a magnet on his fridge. The following day, it was gone. I looked all over and never found it.

I know I shouldn’t have gone to his place tonight. I know I shouldn’t have taken a copy of his house key, but I don’t think I would’ve caught him in the act otherwise. I needed to see him physically cheating on me. And now Annika saw too. I lost it. I blacked out and started throwing things. I’m not even upset at him. I’m upset at myself for letting him in my life for so long. To leave such a deep wound in me. To ruin my ability to trust.

“You’re not going to be alone,” Annika says, interrupting my thoughts. I look over and her fists are clenched around her steering wheel, tight, like she’s trying to will her way forward.

“What do you mean? You are moving to Scarlet Hills, and I’m going to be here alone. Maybe I can move back in with your parents in Ojai. I’m sure they miss me.”

“You aren’t moving back to Ojai, and it’s Auburn Hills, not Scarlet Hills.”

“Where else am I supposed to go? I can’t stay here.”

“You’re coming with me.”

“What!” I say, fully turning in my seat. I quickly try to picture what that would look like for me, except it’s blank. I have no idea what that future looks like.

“What will I do there?” I ask.

She shrugs. “I don’t know, I guess what you’re doing here, but up there. Every little town has a bookstore.”

A small-town bookstore sounds appealing. It’s not like I have a day job like Annika did. I am doing absolutely nothing with my marketing degree by being an assistant manager at a bookstore chain. But the tidiness and quiet routine of the store calms my mind. It relaxes me to be there and see all the new books. Plus, I can read all day long, which is something Annika and I have always agreed is the best way to spend a day. I love my coworkers, but I hate my manager, so transferring to a different location would be nice. I always see postings in the break room about other locations that are hiring. I could do this. I could move. Besides, if I’m with Anni, I can be anywhere.

“Okay, let’s move,” I say.

“Really?”

“Yes, I’m in. Let’s go.”

“We are going to start fresh. Leave all the bad vibes behind in San Diego,” she says.

Auburn Hills, here we come.

TWENTY

CHLOE

NOW

Aimee lives at the southeast corner of San Diego, which is across town from where we’re staying in downtown, so we opt to take a rideshare over there. I’m squished in the back seat, next to Anni in the middle and Reid on the other side. Tyler is sitting in the front passenger seat, and I see him looking at us through the rearview mirror, smirking.

“What are you smiling at, Hastings?” Annika barks. Tyler starts laughing.

“You guys look so silly, all smooshed together in the back, like the weirdest trio,” he says. Annika deadpans while Reid and I giggle. I start to squirm, and Reid mimics me.

“Okay, stop! You guys are suffocating me!” Annika proclaims. Lucky for her, we have just arrived at Aimee’s apartment building.

We file out of the car, and follow Annika to the entrance.

“All right, we’ll go through the main door and turn left at the first hallway,” she says, holding out her phone and reading the directions that Aimee gave her. “Her apartment is at the end,” she continues, leading the way through the propped-open main building door.

“Sheesh, this place is huge. Aimee lives here alone?” Reid asks.

“No, she has two roommates—her coworker and Annika’s archenemy, Carly,” I say, sneering at Annika, who rolls her eyes.