Page 62 of Already Falling

I feel like I’m in middle school again, eager to run into Reid during the passing period. Stealing glances and smiles in his direction.

Except this isn’t a crush. He’s one of my best friends, and I think I’m in love with him.

And it hits me suddenly that this yearning in my chest is apparent and clear because everything else in my life is as it should be. Is what I’ve always dreamed it to be. Now is a reality. Happy, fulfilling, and still exciting. I wake up each day happier and enthused about what will unfold. I don’t feel like a walking zombie at work. It feels like an actual workplace family. Not the toxic language that would be thrown around the office floor when someone new joins the team.

Everyone at the photo studio understands the dynamic and is supportive of one another. We go to each other’s shoots and help out where need be because we love doing it. I love seeing the joy in people’s faces and capturing them. Each client is a new project I’m excited to tackle. They built an entire dark room just for me when I started this position. Tiffany, another photographer, put a sign above the door that reads, “Annika’s Lair.” I don’t feel guilty if I need to come in later one day for an appointment or leave early on a Friday because no one takes things too seriously. We even do team outings once a month, where we go bowling together. I keep pinching myself to wake up from this dream, but it’s real. I made it happen for myself and need to accept that life can be good. I’m allowed to be happy.

I love living in this small town where everyone knows everyone. Nature, the trees, the rolling hills of deep reds and greens. It all contributes to the healing in my heart. I wake up to peace. The sounds of chirping birds and the branches swaying outside my bedroom window whisper me awake.

Though, I worry about Chloe. I don’t know if she is thriving as much as I am. Outside of our house, she puts on this bright, happy face, but when it is just her and I, I see her with the mask off. The mask I haven’t seen since we were kids. Even the edition of her new kitty has only softened the hard edges that formed since we left SoCal. I suddenly feel guilty about being wrapped up in my own heart and for not recognizing my best friend’s feelings. I dragged her up here with me because I didn’t want her to be alone. Yet I haven’t been paying attention to how she is adjusting to our new town. Does she feel the same way about her job as I do about my job? I can’t imagine she feels like working at a bookstore for her entire career is her dream. But maybe it is, I don’t know, and now I feel like a terrible friend that I don’t know. I need to talk to Chloe about everything. About my feelings toward Reid, about her, and how she’s feeling.

I exhale and realize I’ve been lying in my bed staring at my ceiling while thoughts shuffle around my head. It’s another Saturday Chloe, and I both have off. We’ll have to make the best of it.

THIRTY-FOUR

ANNIKA

I emerge from my room to find Chloe curled on our couch, reading a new release she brought home. Hardcover. I don’t know how she reads such monstrosities. I won’t even look at a book unless it's a floppy paperback. Dandy is curled up on Chloe’s shoulder, snoozing away as she reads. She looks at peace and calm. I hope she’s happy here and not pretending for my sake. She seems happy.

I head into our kitchen and make myself a dirty chai latte on our little espresso machine. It’s not the same as the Human Bean makes it, but it will do. I need the energy and courage to have a serious talk with my best friend. Why am I nervous? Chloe and I have been friends our entire lives and lived with each other for the past six years. I’m worried she’ll say she’s unhappy and we’ll have to move again. I don’t want to leave, I want to stay here with my happy life, and I selfishly want her to stay here too.

Joining her on our small sectional, I take a spot on the other end of the couch and sip my chai, staring at her until she feels my eyes burning a hole through the book she’s reading.

“Good Morning Anni,” Chloe says to me without looking up from her book.

“Hey Chlo, whatcha wanna do today? We have an entire free day today. We can do whatever we want. Whatever you want.”

I will myself to stop fidgeting, but I at least get her attention, and she closes her book and sets it down, careful not to disturb the purring cat still on her shoulder.

“Why are you giving me so much attention this morning? What book do you want?” My mouth flies agape. Is that who I am? Do I not ask her what she wants to do, so when I do, it’s only for my benefit? I push aside my defenses and remember it’s not about me right now.

“I just am curious if there’s anything you wanna do today. I feel like we haven’t had a day with just the two of us since our thrifting day in June.”

She lets out a deep sigh. That can’t be good. Sighs are never good. “Well, honestly, I don’t want to leave the house today. I know it’s sunny and gorgeous outside, but I just wanna stay in this spot, sitting on my butt, reading my new book. I feel like I see enough of the public during work that I just want a break from it.”

She goes to reach for her book again, but I keep talking. “We can have a day in. I can order us some breakfast if ya want.”

“Ooo yeah, let’s get pancakes.” She shimmies in excitement.

“Of course, pancakes are one of your major food groups,” I say. “Hey, speaking of work, how is it, by the way? I realized I’ve just been happily going to work and rudely never even asking you if you like your job, and all the feelings rushed to me this morning when I woke up, and I feel like a terrible friend, but I’m trying not to make this about myself so I want you to tell me if you hate it and we can try again. We can move somewhere else that you like too. We can find you your dream job. And–”

Chloe’s mouth falls open, and she reaches for my arm, cutting off my panic rambling. “Whoa, whoa, Anni, chill. Is that what all this is about? You're trying to butter me up because you’re worried I’m unhappy?”

All I can do is nod. I feel like if I open my mouth, I’ll start rambling again, and I’m trying to push the tears away that are forcing themselves up.

“I love you, and you didn’t force me to move here. You were going to move alone, remember? But you took me with you, and I am so grateful for that. Sure, I am not the happiest right now, but it’s not because of where we live or my job. In fact, I’m kind of living the same life I was living in San Diego but in Oregon and single.” Dandy flops down onto Chloe’s lap so she can get some belly rubs.

“You’re unhappy? When, why didn’t you say something?”

“I didn’t say I’m unhappy, but yeah, I could be happier. You are so happy here. I don’t want to ruin that with my storm cloud. I just haven’t recovered from what happened with Dane, and I miss him. Which I hate. Or I miss having someone to show affection to, at least. And, yeah, being a bookstore manager is not my dream job.”

“What could you do? If someone waved a magic wand and gave you your dream job?”

She is quiet for a bit. Almost like she’s wondering if she should even tell me. “You know the shelter we got Dandy from?” I nod. “I emailed them last week asking if they have any openings. I feel so much joy from Dandy, but being able to rescue her was a different kind of comfort. I want to help the other animals there too. The ones that don’t get adopted. They need someone to give them love too. I think that’s what I’d do if I could have a dream job. To have my own shelter and take care of animals, find them homes, and give them my love. Have them sit while I paint portraits of each one, so when they do get adopted, their owners can take home their portrait too.”

My heart warms and breaks from her response. “What did the shelter say?” Now I reach for Dandy because I need something to comfort me.

“They don’t have any paid openings, but they said I can volunteer on my days off. They said if something comes along, it’s easier to transition into a paid position from a volunteer position.”