Page 35 of How We Began

Leaving me drunk and alone once more in a bedroom paid for by my dad.

What did I do?

12th November

Class was awful. I had a sneaky drink just to get there, which is bit like having a Bloody Mary for breakfast, but without the Mary. Mum would disprove of my lack of Five a Day.

I’d have ditched, but, unfortunately, I missed a lot during my day off for a bad haircut and have used up all my sick excuses. I didn’t think ‘the sexy boy from next door has broken my heart’ excuse was one that the faculty would be sympathetic with.

Ben sat behind me as always. Instead of the lovely zinging electricity that usually flowed between us, there was just dead air. My chair had all four legs firmly on the ground. Becky Barbie was there but she kept her head down and sat on the opposite side of the room. Good. She can keep her black lacy underwear away from me.

I miss him, though. It feels like I am stuck in some terrible soap opera that’s going to end soon and the credits will come up.

15th November

Drunk again. Another Bloody for breakfast lacking in Vitamin C.

Meredith asked when I’m coming home. I don’t think I am but I didn’t tell her that, I just shrugged vaguely. It’s not her fault, and I miss her like crazy, but at the moment every time I see her I just think about Ben and what the last couple months of us all living together has been like. The dinners, the wine, and the communal gossip while sitting in the kitchen watching him cook.

Jayne caught up with me as I strode over campus. She misses me as well. They all miss me. Ben never comes out of his room and hasn’t touched his guitar in days.

Such a mess. I wish I could hate him, but if I were being honest, I’m just hating myself for being so bloody stupid in the first place.

Delilah McCannon strikes again.

16th November

Smoked a million cigarettes.

I was going to go to the library, but I fell up the first two stairs and changed my mind.

Meredith has been with me and we’ve watched romcoms, drunk wine… and I’ve cried.

I need to get a grip.

It’s just a breakup. I can move on from this.

It’s. Just. A. Stupid. Breakup.

17th November

Ben just came around again, but I didn’t open my door, I just sat on the floor against it. I think he sat on the other side.

After a while I heard him get up, the sound of his bare feet padding on the carpet.

“It’s no good. She’s just not going to speak to me.”

He sounded hurt, like I’ve betrayed him somehow.

Have I betrayed him?

Is me being here and not going back to face it all me doing a Delilah?

I’m so confused.

I need a manual to navigate heartbreak.

19th November