Page 34 of How We Began

Becky… her name is Becky.

I pulled my most unattractive frown. “That doesn’t explain why she was in your room in the first place, Ben. Or why you didn’t just walk away from her.”

This was my main point, the bit I couldn’t get my head around. Why was she even there, and if she was there, why was he?

“I know,” he said and stubbed at Dad’s expensive carpet with his Converse. “She kind of made out that she had nowhere else to go and I fell for it. I didn’t know she was going to do that.”

I looked at him in disbelief. “Seriously? You didn’t think that she was going to do that?”

I walked into the kitchen to pour a hefty measure of Tristan’s Stolichnaya. I didn’t bother with ice or mix. That is for wimps.

“So why didn’t you just come and knock on my door, come and find me?”

The blues scanned my face, possibly looking for any sign of forgiveness. He wouldn’t find any. Ever.

“I was drunk, and when I didn’t hear from you all night I thought you might have changed your mind,” he said the words quietly. “Maybe your parents talked you around and you decided I wasn’t worth the risk.”

“Nope, I told them, got cut off. Ooh, there was a bit of a scene on the driveway. Should keep the neighbours busy for a while!” I raised my glass in a mock solute and knocked the vodka back.

It burned.

Burn = Good.

Ben looked at me evenly. “You know I am in love with you, right? That’s not in any doubt here is it?” Doubt? Was he crazy? My entire existence was in doubt.

He stepped towards me, but I froze and he saw it, shadows darting in his gaze.

“Thing is, Ben, I don’t know what I feel for you anymore. Hell, I don’t even know what this has all been. All I know is that I think most men are wankers, and then I met you and thought you weren’t. Now I think you are.”

This stopped Ben in his tracks and he stared at me, his gaze hardening. “I can’t believe you think I’m lying.”

“It’s not that.” I stood up straighter. “It’s just made me realise lots of stuff. I mean, let’s be honest, you’re in a band that’s getting successful. It’s not like you’re going to be short of women launching themselves at you like you’re in the bargain bucket at Primark. I’m sure eventually you’ll meet someone much better than me, and I don’t want to wait around for that to happen. I deserve more than that, more than what my parents think, more than what you’ve done to me.”

He stared at me, eyes wide. “So you’re running away? I thought you didn’t want to do that anymore?”

He had me there. I had run away. This time though, I’d done it to protect myself.

“I can’t be in the room next to you, Ben.” A lonely tear tracked its way down my cheek. “I just can’t.”

“Why?” He grasped my hand, linking my fingers, tethering me to our broken dream.

“Because it will just hurt. It will hurt too much.”

“Lilah, please. I swear. I didn’t do anything.”

Reaching up, I cupped his face. “I know, and I almost believe you. If I come back though, I’ll never be able to study, never be able to breathe around you. You and I just weren’t meant to be. We just weren’t, I know it.”

The blues drilled into me, hard and unflinching. “Then obviously we’ve made a mistake. It’s a good thing we realised now before moving on to the next level.”

I wanted to ask him what the next level would have been, but I bit my tongue to stop myself.

He turned on his heel and stormed for the door, and I watched it swing shut with a sense of dread settling on my stomach.

Meredith and Tristan stared at me like I was crazy, which I very well may be.

“You know he loves you?” Tristan asked.

“Get lost, Tristan,” I shouted as I slammed back into my room.