Page 88 of If We Were Young

“You remember?”

His silence spoke volumes and his grip tightened until he nearly crushed me in his grasp.

“You are with her. Scott and Ange are dancing. I’m trying hard not to look at them. I think they should go back to one of their rooms. No one needs to see that.”

I closed my eyes.

“Some guy has bought me a drink and he’s standing there as I sip. I sip slower, wetting my lips, hoping he will get bored. I can’t stop looking at you and her. She’s my nemesis. I’ve been hating her, every mention of her, for a year. Then you glance up over her shoulder and you look at me like you can read my mind and I think for a moment you know how much it hurts. I think there’s a chance you might know that I love you even though I act all pally and basically stupid; even though I’ve made myself into an honorary dude just so you’ll let me hang around.”

I paused. Drifting.

“Then you look back down at her and smile and it’s like it has carved my heart with your initials. Instead of Ronnie and Matthew forever it says Ronnie and Matthew never.

“So I turn and leave. I’m stupid in the dress with the shoes. You’d never notice me like that. I’m just someone you hang with. I’m going to get over you. I know I will. I just need to not see you with her. I’ll find someone who recognises that I have breasts and curves, that I’m actually a girl and I’ll forget all about you. I’m halfway across campus when you catch me up, your hand on my shoulder.”

“What happens next?” A rumble of major and minor, high and low, expectation and need.

“Your hand slips down my arm. I try to pull away, but you grip my hand and I’m thinking, ‘what is he doing?’ She will find him at any moment. But there’s a fire in your gaze and it does something to my insides. Makes me all hot like I’m caramel over ice cream. You ask where I’m going, and I say to bed. You ask me why and I tell you I’ve got no one to dance with. Then you pull your phone out of your pocket and put on a song. It’s old, it sings in my heart as you grip me tight and hold me close. I ask you why this song and you tell me it’s special. Then we twirl around and around under a tree, the tinny sound of the music upsetting the blanket of darkness. I know you should go. As our feet slow, I know you will go. Then you push your lips against mine. Just half a kiss. Half a promise.”

Our chests rose and fell as the memory slid away, just like the moment did seventeen years ago.

“Then what happens in the dream?”

“I don’t let you go.”

Darkness and silence enveloped us. Our breaths continued to rise and fall together, painting each other’s skin with secrets. “I wish you hadn’t.” Leaning down, he placed a delicate kiss under my right eye, and I felt the slick slip of tears. He kissed the other eye and when he was done I snuggled down against his chest.

“Thing is, Matthew. If you hadn’t walked away, we wouldn’t be here now. I wouldn’t have Hannah, you wouldn’t have your boys. Maybe it’s the way it was meant to be.”

I sensed his nod in the darkness.

I was too tired. I’d gone all fuzzy around the edges. I wanted to lay awake in his arms all night as this train rocked us in its stable hold, but the emotional turmoil made me ache down deep. I closed my eyes, memorising his smell, when I had a thought.

“What will I do while you are with your mother?”

He planted a kiss on the top of my head, soft and gentle. “I hope you’ll be there with me.”

A spark of something resembling a future flickered within me.

“Me, meet your mum?”

“Well, yes. Admittedly it’s a decade and a half too late, but I’d like to introduce you both.”

I squeezed him tight and hung on for dear life as Matthew Carling’s arms fit me to his chest and I wondered if I’d ever wake up from this dream.

“Don’t wake up angry.” I lifted my head and stared at his face in the darkness. Mainly because I just wanted to memorise how he looked dressed in shadows and moonlight.

“I won’t. Night, Ronnie Roo.”

“Night, Matthew.”

Lavender

“Oh.” I opened my eyes and blinked straight into his gaze. “What are you doing?”

“Counting your snores.”

He laid so close we were almost nose to nose. The cabin was still dark but a faint glow lit around the edge of the curtains.