Page 87 of If We Were Young

Somehow, I broke out from the cage of his hold. “Why am I going to Scotland with you? Do you really think I can help you to save your company?”

“I’m hoping to make you understand, Ronnie. The only way to do that is to show you.”

“Why?” Another darted thought. “And what do you want me to understand?”

“Everything, and because sometimes words aren’t enough. You always knew me better than anyone and that was only using the bits I let you see.” His expression clouded.

“You aren’t telling me something.”

“Maybe. Now come on, let's get some sleep.”

“Here together?” I pointed at his small bunk. Beneath us the train rocked on the tracks and led us away.

“I’ll be on my best behaviour.”

I lifted an eyebrow and pushed against his lingering hardness. “What’s best?”

“I’ll think of drowned kittens until that goes away?”

“Oh no, the poor kittens.”

“I’ve killed them all off in my head a thousand times before.”

“What colours are they?”

“Ronnie.” He held me tighter, his fingers slotting into nook holes I didn’t know I had. Little inches of space where his fingers fit just so. A shiver ran over me. This could be a long night.

I wanted it though. I’d ache for it. Tomorrow I’d be Ronnie Childs again and he would be Matthew Carling, and who knows if he would smile and touch me, kiss me.

On a whim I took it while I could. I’d pay for it later as I bartered my soul with the ferryman.

I skimmed my lips against the heat of his throat, dark stubble tickled and scratched. “How about you don’t think about dead kittens?” I welded myself against him. His hard arousal pushed in between my legs and it made me want so many things. Things without a name. Wordless and deadly.

His smile flickered in the dark. “No.”

“No, not ever? Or, no not right now?”

“No. If it happens it will be perfect.”

“How can it be perfect if you live in Scotland and I live in London?”

His chuckle rocked me, and I thrummed as it pushed him into sensitive places. “Trust me.”

An easy to request for him to make, but not an easy one for me to grant.

I’d trusted him before. I’d trusted him with my friendship, and I’d been hurt ever since.

This felt different though. The cusp of something brand new. It sparkled with cleanliness, not sullied by reality.

“Tell me about the dream you always had.” He pressed a kiss to my brow, his arms tightening.

I was going to sleep in Matthew Carling’s arms. Intentionally. Without falling asleep during a movie. Knowing that it was just us. I shivered hard.

It was a life defining moment.

“It’s the Freshers Ball second year.”

“Ah, the day of the lilac dress.”