Page 108 of The Next Chapter

We were playing other people’s songs then of course, not that I minded that much. I didn’t know anything about writing music. It felt like every time we played, I was proving something. I don’t know what. Maybe I hoped that Ma or even Pa would call me up and tell me that they’d been wrong. That Pa had been wrong to leave, and Ma was wrong about me being bad luck because here I was, making something of myself.

The band members were my friends too. There were the usual rumours about in-fighting and us all being tempestuous and what not, but they were pretty much all started by the label, by Jimmy, the same way that they put out about me and Ashton dating. It wasn’t true, none of it. I’d say that Ashton’s the best friend I ever had, but he’s like a brother to me, nothin’ more.

Plus, there was Jimmy. He was with us almost every day, I remember thinking that we must have seen him more than his own family. Even late at night, after we were done doing whatever we needed to be doing that day, Jimmy would come into the apartment – we had a much nicer one by then, mind, but we still all lived together in LA – and sit around with us.

He always paid me extra attention. I thought it was on account of me being the youngest at first. I wasn’t even twenty yet, but I’ll admit to liking it a whole lot when he called me his little star.

I think that was about the only time that me and Ashton argued, come to think about it. He wasn’t happy about how much time Jimmy was spending with me. I thought he was jealous. The label wanted Ashton to be careful, said a whole lot of things that wouldn’t be allowed these days. Things are better now, or at least I hope they are.

But the truth is, when Jimmy said that I gave him something his wife couldn’t, I believed him.

It’s… hard to admit now. How I fell for all the things Jimmy said. How I got so swept up in it all when he’d lay next to me and talk about the future and all the things we could do together. He was so much bigger than me, broader. It felt safe there with him.

It was Christmas time, the first time he kissed me proper. We were in London to play on Top of the Pops and he’d come with us. There are not many places do Christmas like the British. I was so caught up in it all. Jimmy came to my hotel, said he couldn’t keep away no more. It felt like somethin’ from a movie. When he started to kiss me, I didn’t push him away.

I’d heard Ma and Pa arguing about the other women Pa had and I remember hating them. I told myself we were different, Jimmy and me. I thought we were in love. I don’t know what else there is to say about it really. He was older than me, and he had so much power. But he didn’t force me or anything. I liked the attention, and I liked him. When I went to his bed, I went willingly.

Except when we got back from London, Jimmy didn’t talk no more about our future plans. He went back to being the manager, all formal like, and I was… confused. I wondered what I’d done wrong. Ashton said that Jimmy was an arse and that we should tell some other folk at the label. But I didn’t want to tell anyone. It was embarrassing, to be rejected again. I wanted to forget all about it. I started to drink more and more and the newspapers, well, they didn’t have to work so hard at comin’ up with things to write about me no more. I was becoming the thing they’d always painted me as, or something like that.

It took longer than it should have done to realize that something wasn’t quite right. Like I said before, I was young really. Inexperienced. So, it was spring when I realized that I might be in trouble.

There weren’t any proper symptoms. I’d feel dizzy sometimes, but we were working real hard and I just put it down to that. And I’d never been that regular. I didn’t even look all that different.

But then one day, I saw some woman pushing a pushchair down the road. It was awful frilly, with ribbons and lace and stuff everywhere. And I just knew.

I told Ashton before I even did a test. He was shocked and the things he said about Jimmy coulda made a sailor blush. But he promised me that it’d be okay, that we could do whatever I wanted.

I know there are ways to be without a child. But I’d been raised in Baton Rouge, I’d gone to church my whole life and I couldn’t ignore that, you know? I told Ashton that I wanted to keep the baby. Even though I knew that it would mean I had to tell Jimmy.

It wasn’t easy even getting him on his own. I was five months gone and my stomach was a little round. When I finally did tell him, the spring was almost over. Jimmy went real quiet, then said that he didn’t see how I’d be able to have a baby while I was in the band. Said that I’d have to go back to Baton Rouge.

I noticed that he never said we.

I was back to feeling like I’d done wrong by everyone, being a burden. Every night, Ashton told me that it’d be okay, and I tried to go along with it, to believe him. But when he was asleep I’d lay there and think about my own ma. About how much she’d struggled. I had no idea how to do a better job than her.

I started to show, and they had to find me clothes that would hide it. The whole time I just felt more and more guilty. About Jimmy and the label. About Ashton, for making his life harder than it ought to be. It’s no wonder everyone thought we were together, we were never apart. And I felt bad on Prune and Shawn. They just wanted to be famous and here I was ruining everything because I was more tired now. I couldn’t stand for twelve hours a day like I used to.

But most of all, I felt so guilty towards the baby. For getting me as its ma. It was overwhelming, the guilt.

The label pushed the release of our next single back until October. A month after the baby was due. Jimmy told me I had a decision to make. If I had the baby, I’d have to quit the band and go back to Baton Rouge. He made out like the baby might not’a even been his. But I knew it was.

I didn’t know what to do.

Then my brother called, remember my youngest brother, Jessie? He told me that Ma had died. Right quick. A stroke, even though she was only young. I took it as a sign that history was just repeating itself, like by having the baby I was cursing it to a life of bad luck. Without the band I couldn’t provide for it, I didn’t know how to be a ma. I’d be sent back to Baton Rouge with nothing.

So, I did what I thought was best. I told Ashton and Jimmy that I wanted to give the baby up for adoption.

The label put out an announcement that I was in rehab abroad. When really, there was no hiding my stomach anymore. I flew to England and came to stay up here on Skye with Ashton’s aunt. No one ever thought to look for me here. Skye wasn’t up and coming like it is these days. There was no Instagram.

I was numb. Between the baby and Jimmy and Ma, I think I lost the ability to feel anything at all. I cursed myself for relying on someone again.

Ashton came with me, and he did all the work. He found me an adoption agency. There were local ones, but I wanted the family to be far away. I didn’t want to think that I might run into them any day. I thought that would hurt too bad. We settled on one in Manchester. The agency asked me a whole lot of questions and finally they found me three potential couples.

They were all mighty nice, really they were. But this one couple in particular, I liked them a lot, right from the off.

I remember thinking that they were the sort of parents I would have liked to have grown up with.

Plus, she was a piano teacher and I thought it might be nice for the baby to know music, like it might be a link between us still. They cried when I told them I wanted them to have her. Big wracking sobs. They kept saying thank you. Told me they already loved the baby.