Page 39 of The Best Ex of My Life

I might be drunk but not drunk enough to fail to recognise how jealous I’ve been all night. I don’t want to feel like this. This shouldn’t be the overriding emotion I’ve had tonight, but it is, ever since Teddy and Elliot arrived. Jordan should be my priority. Jordan with his big arms and soft lips. That would help me not think about my friends having sex. He should be the one out here. I’d even take Matthew’s company – another nice conversation with him about how smitten he is with Karina would help. But not Elliot. Anyone but Elliot.

‘Shit,’ he shouts after stumbling slightly on the uneven pavement from my front door. ‘Probably not a good idea to have had that much sherry in your kitchen earlier.’

‘No, probably not.’

There’s a smattering of pinprick stars high in the sky tonight. I look up at them, and Elliot does the same beside me. The only sounds are the traffic in the distance and Elliot’s slow breathing. I will him to go, to turn around and walk back into my building so I can be alone for a few minutes before going back upstairs, but he stays resolutely still beside me.

‘Beautiful night,’ he says.

‘Yeah.’

‘You’ve done such a good job with everything, you know? You should be proud of yourself. That’s some collection of people you’ve got together up there, but it’s worked.’

‘I suppose.’

‘No, it has.’ He steps closer to me, into the light flooding out from Mr Galanis’ kitchen. ‘Do you think you’ve started something? Are we all going to be dinner party friends from now on, taking it in turns – you and Jordan, Matthew and Karina, me and Ted – all being nice to each other’s faces but really being secretly competitive about who is the best host?’

‘Maybe,’ I murmur.

‘I can just see it now,’ he carries on, an amused glint in his eye. ‘Matthew and Karina hosting a sushi night where we all try not to gag on raw fish, Teddy and I completely overreaching and trying to master French cuisine but having to resort to eating baguettes when we make a complete balls up of coq au vin.’

‘You can stop this now,’ I say, snapping round to face him. ‘You’ve helped me out, and I’m grateful, but you’ve done enough. This can stop whenever you want.’

His shoulders pull back in surprise. ‘What are you talking about?’

‘You did me a favour going out with Teddy, and I’m grateful, I am. But a few dates was all I needed from you, not this. This whole taking-her-away-spending-every-second-together thing isn’t necessary. You can stop.’

He laughs. A cold, incredulous laugh that rips through me. I’ve never seen this side of Elliot before. ‘Let me get this right. You ask me to date Teddy as part of this plan of yours, and I agree. You end up with Jordan which seems to be going great judging by the way I interrupted you in the kitchen earlier. Karina ends up finding the person who, let’s be honest, she’s obviously going to spend the rest of her life with, yet you want Teddy and me to have a few dates and nothing more? That doesn’t seem very fair.’

‘But that was what we agreed!’ I object. ‘Look, you’re not a long-term person, Elliot. Whether it’s that you really don’t have any luck with women, or it’s what you prefer, it’s totally fine. It’s what I knew about you when I signed you up. It’s why I signed you up. Teddy wanted a few fun dates, and I’ve got to admit it, you were a great choice for that.’

His body shifts, pulling tighter, and I can see his chest rising and falling rapidly underneath his new stupid T-shirt.

‘Really?’ he asks, but he’s already shaking his head, his mind made up. ‘You’ve got me down as this serial dater, this guy who happily flits from one woman to the next, not wanting anything more. If you really knew me, you’d know that’s so far from who I am, it’s laughable. Before we met, I only had long-term relationships. I’d be the person to find reasons to stay with someone, rather than look for excuses to break up with them. Before you, I—’ he stops abruptly.

A beat passes between us, then another. There’s time to apologise, time for me to back down because I can see how angry he is with me and behind that, I can see in his eyes how I’ve hurt him with what I’ve said, but something deep down is telling me to hold on to this anger, to not probe what he’s just stopped himself from saying, not to ask what he means by before. Something is telling me that if I do, if I focus on anything else but being mad with him, the alternative feelings that will flood in will be much harder to deal with.

I look away, into Mr Galanis’ spotless kitchen with its walls covered in black and white photographs of him and his late wife and their family. When I turn back, I hope the only sight of him will be his back as he returns to my flat, but I’m disappointed. He’s still here, his solid frame perfectly still.

‘You know,’ he says, voice low, ‘if I didn’t know better, I’d have said you sound jealous. Jealous that you put Teddy and I together and it ended up working so well. But that’s ridiculous. Isn’t it, Lizzie?’

I swallow a large gulp of painful, freezing air. Hold on to that fucking anger, Lizzie, I think to myself. Hold on and do not let go. Without it, I’m too close to letting out everything I’ve been trying so hard to ignore these last few weeks. I’m too close to admitting how much setting Teddy up with Elliot has changed how I look at him, how I feel about him. If I’m not angry, he’s going to realise how right he’s got it, and I don’t want him to know. But there’s more than that.

I hate this. That’s the bit I really don’t want him to see.

I hate that Elliot’s happy with Teddy, and I hate that I’m the one that’s made it happen. Whenever Elliot’s with anyone I get this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach, wondering if this person is going to be one who he falls in love with, if this person is going to be the one that gets him. Usually, I don’t have to put up with it for long because he moves on so quickly, but this is different. This time, it’s Teddy. Amazing, beautiful Teddy, who I want to be happy, who I know is exactly the kind of wonderful partner Elliot deserves, and it makes me feel wretched.

I know that’s wrong. A real friend shouldn’t be feeling wretched right now. A real friend should want only the best for the person they care about, not for them to have another failed relationship so things can go back to being easier. The truth I need to face is that maybe saying I’m Elliot’s friend isn’t true. How can it be? I’ve been so keen to show myself I can move past the night we had together, I’ve used that word as a shield to hide behind. I’ve pretended it’s worked, that I don’t let anything get past it, but in reality, my friendship with Elliot has offered poor protection for my heart. Right now, thanks to my stupidity in bringing this whole sorry situation about, my heart feels more exposed than it ever has, ready and waiting to get hurt.

But I can’t admit it’s more than friendship I feel for him. I can’t have that as a truth to deal with when facing up to it might end up costing me more than I’m willing to lose. It’s not just Teddy I’d hurt. Teddy, who would no doubt offer to end things with Elliot despite how much she liked him, but it’s Elliot too. These are my feelings, not his, and telling him how I’ve been feeling would wreck our friendship.

So, anger it is.

‘Yes, it’s ridiculous. Why would I be jealous? Like you say, Jordan and I are great. You and Teddy are great. It’s all fucking great.’

‘Sure is,’ he says. ‘But you still sound jealous.’

‘Oh my God,’ I shout, everything I’ve been pushing down suddenly erupting, the alcohol in my system loosening words I’d never usually allow out. ‘Of what? What do you want me to say? That hearing Teddy whispering in your ear just then made me feel sick? That I can’t stand the thought of you ending up with her, even though she’s one of my favourite people on the planet? That I am so unbelievably selfish I wish more than anything I’d never come up with this stupid idea, even if that would have meant never meeting Jordan, and Matthew and Karina never getting together, all because I can’t bear seeing you and Teddy together?’