Page 60 of In the Same Boat

‘We practise dating with each other?’

‘Exactly, it’s a kind of testing. We do it at work – not with dating, obviously, but we run simulations, see how things go,’ I explain. ‘I can tell you what’s wrong with you, you can tell me what’s wrong with me.’

‘You want me to criticise you?’

‘I thought you’d jump at the chance,’ I reply.

He smiles and tips his head as though that might be true – the dick.

‘Neither of us is interested in the other, so it’s low stakes. We just treat it like an exercise.’

‘Very romantic.’

‘It’s not meant to be romantic. It’s practical.’

‘Well, if that’s your dating mantra, that’s your first problem right there,’ he replies.

‘And that’s yours,’ I clap back. ‘Try being nice.’

‘I thought we were roasting each other?’

‘No, we’re giving practical dating advice,’ I correct him. ‘We assess performance, flag bad habits, give tips – this isn’t an excuse to make fun of me.’

He pouts playfully.

‘Saying that, though, one man’s bad habits are another’s personality,’ he says.

‘How do you mean?’

‘Do you tend to be early, on time, or late?’ he asks.

‘Early,’ I say confidently.

I mean, it’s the best answer, right?

‘It ensures you’re there on time, you can pre-empt any problems – it shows that you care.’

‘See, I look at things differently, because if someone is late, it doesn’t always mean that they don’t care,’ he insists. ‘Some people are busy with work, because they have really cool jobs, or they live such an adventurous life that things don’t always happen on time.’

‘No, that would infuriate me,’ I reply quickly. ‘Ooh, you’re too cool to show up on time?’

I say that in a silly, whiny voice.

‘If someone is a little late and you get that angry, then you’ll let it ruin the whole date, then it’s dead in the water from the word go,’ he tells me. I try to resist acknowledging that there’s a little truth in that, I suppose. ‘Looking back, has turning up early ever helped you?’

I feel my cheeks flush. Nico’s eyebrows rise, like he’s reading my mind. Yes, there’s a story there, and it’s all over my face.

‘Well, now you have to tell me what happened,’ he says. ‘A good date has good stories.’

‘It’s an embarrassing story,’ I confess.

‘Embarrassment is an unavoidable part of the human existence,’ he tells me. ‘Plus, you can tell me, I’m not a real date. I can tell you if it’s a story that you should keep to yourself from now on but, you know, I think showing a little of that side of you will bring out your more relaxed side. Show that you don’t take things too seriously.’

I take a deep breath – am I really going to tell him this?

‘Okay, well, I was meeting a guy at a country pub, and didn’t want to be late, so I turned up early, but when I got there I noticed he was already there, in the beer garden, with another woman…’

‘Oh,’ Nico says simply. ‘Well, that’s…’