Page 163 of Let's Kiss and Tell

“I would find another job,” I answer logically. “But that’s whatanybodywould do. You’re saying that you wouldn’t do the same if you lost yours?”

“What if there werenonews-writing jobs…What would you do?”

“Well, the way things are looking—”

“Just entertain me for a second,” he says with a sigh. “Who would you be?”

“You know this is getting offensive,” I say. “You telling me that I’m this empty, detached person and that I have no other qualities aside from my work?”

“That’s not what I’m saying.” Oliver slows down. “What I’m saying is that you’ve been hiding behind your news stories. When grandma passed away, you acted like nothing was wrong because you were so focused on that college paper. It’s like you use the problems of the world as a shield from feeling anything.”

“Yeah, well, guess what?” I set my beer down. “There’s a lot of shit going on in the world…badshit. And it’s a lot worse than whatever heartbreakI’mfeeling. So, I think it would be pretty selfish of me to put those stories aside to focus on my own.”

“But that’s the thing, Marsh…This isyourlife. You’re allowed to put yourself first for a second.”

While I knew that my work ethic was a problem for me and Julia, I didn’t think it affected my other relationships.

I remember my last conversation with Lucy. Then my first conversation with her. Everything always came back to our careers; it’s one of the reasons we so quickly respected each other. In the end, she chose her career over me. Just like I’ve always done.

We’re even more alike than I thought.

I watch the condensation from my beer bottle drip onto the solid mahogany table. I pick it up and swipe my thumb against the wood.

“Lucy was right.” I let out a regretful scoff. “I was a coward. Maybe work is just a part of that…something to hide behind.”

“I hate that you felt like you couldn’t talk to us,” Oliver says. “I can’t imagine what it felt like going through this past year alone. How hurt you must have been.”

“That’s exactly why I didn’t say anything,” I respond, looking at him. “Because of thispoor Marshnarrative that people are going to now see when I enter a room. I don’t want that.”

“It’s okay to be vulnerable, Marsh,” Oliver says like I don’t know that. “It’s okay to be hurt—”

“But Iwasn’thurt,” I say, and it shuts Oliver up. “That’s the problem.” I lift my glasses for a second and pinch the bridge of my nose. “I don’t think I ever loved Julia.”

“What…”

“God,fuck.” I look away. “I sound like a piece of shit, I know I do. But I wasn’t hurt when we ended things, Ollie. You know the first thing I thought when we decided to break up? I thought,What’s everyone going to think?”

Julia didn’t stab a knife through my back or even my heart…It was through my pride.

“Why did you care what people thought?” Oliver shifts in his seat.

I know I could tell my brother right now that Julia cheated on me. If I were to tell anyone, it would be him in this exact moment. But I can’t bring myself to. I just can’t. I was honest with Lucy and look where that brought me. I’ve done a lot of thinking this past week, and I’ve come to the conclusion that nobody needs to know.

“Because it’s embarrassing,” I say, and even saying it out loud makes me feel so much smaller than I am. “My ex-girlfriend got married and she showed the world that I’m not good enough, she needed someone else. So yeah, I bury myself in work becausethat’s the one place where I’ve proven that Iamgood enough. I’m not this giant fucking disappointment.”

“Nobody is seeing you that way, Marsh—”

“Mom is,” I say matter-of-factly. “You have no idea what it’s like to be compared to Dad your whole life. Like I missed out on learning the most valuable life lessons because he wasn’t there to teach them to me. I see the way Mom looks at me, like I’ll never be him and I’ll never be you.”

“Me?” Oliver gapes.

“Yeah, you,” I tell him, now feeling terrified of saying how I really feel, but I’m like a spout with a broken valve. “You’re the golden child. You have the dream house, the dream job, and the dream family. And even though I have two out of the three, for some reason it’s never enough until I have the latter. I just…” I run a hand through my hair. “I just didn’t want everything that happened between Julia and me to add to all the reasons why I’m not good enough.”

Oliver looks down, speechless. Everything feels so still. It’s not until an airplane flies overhead that I remember that the world is still turning.

“You know, sometimes I look at you andI’mjealous?” Oliver finally says.

My expression goes blank. “What?”