Page 82 of Island Girl

Paula felt something shift in her chest. All these years, she'd imagined Heather as a little girl, frozen in time at four years old, the age she'd been when Ray left. But of course she wasn't a little girl anymore. She was a woman, with her own thoughts and her own choices and her own reasons for wanting to know the father who had abandoned her.

“What has she learned?” Paula asked.

“Everything she can. She's read books, taken classes, talked to veterans. She understands now, in a way she couldn't when she was younger. She knows it wasn't about her. She knows Ray didn't leave because he didn't love her.”

“He left because he loved her too much. He was trying to protect her.”

“I know. I've always known that.” Julie paused. “But knowing it and feeling it are two different things. Heather spent years being angry at him. Years feeling like she wasn't good enough, like there was something wrong with her that made her father leave. It took a long time for her to work through all of that.”

“And now?”

“Now she wants to see him. Not to confront him or blame him. Just to meet him. To know him.” Julie's voice caught. “She taught herself to play guitar, Paula. Did you know that?”

Paula felt tears prick at her eyes. “No. I didn't.”

“She started when she was twelve. I came home one day and found her in her room with this old acoustic guitar she'd bought at a thrift store. She said she didn't know why, but she felt like she needed to learn. Like it was calling to her somehow.”

“Ray used to play. He was incredible.”

“I know. I remember.” Julie was quiet for a moment. “There's something else. A song. She's always known this song, ever since she was little. She says she can hear it in her head, the melody and the words, but she doesn't know where it came from. Sheasked me about it once, and I told her it was a lullaby Ray used to sing to her when she was a baby.”

Paula's breath caught in her throat. She remembered that lullaby. Ray used to sing it all the time, before Afghanistan, before everything fell apart. He'd written it himself, for Heather, when she was just a few months old.

“She remembers it,” Paula whispered.

“She's always remembered. She didn't know what it was, but it's been there, in the back of her mind, her whole life. Sometimes I think she’s just like him. She feels things deeply.” Julie's voice strengthened. “Paula, I think Heather needs to come to Sanibel. I think she needs to meet her father.”

“Now? While he's like this?”

“Maybe especially now. Maybe he needs to see that the people he left behind have survived. That they've grown up and become strong and they don't hate him.” Julie paused. “Maybe he needs to know that it's not too late.”

Paula thought about Ray, wherever he was right now, alone with his demons, convinced that there was no better, just waiting for it to end. She thought about all the years she'd spent trying to reach him, all the patience and the space and the careful distance she'd maintained. None of it had worked. None of it had brought him back.

Maybe it was time to try something different.

“Let me talk to him first,” Paula said. “If I can find him. Let me see where his head is at.”

“Of course. I'm not suggesting we ambush him. But if there's an opening, if there's any chance he might be ready…”

“I'll let you know.” Paula wiped her eyes again. “Julie, thank you. For telling me all this. I had no idea.”

“I should have told you sooner. I just didn't know how. After everything that happened, after the way things ended, it felt easier to keep our distance.”

“I understand. I felt the same way.”

“But we're still family, Paula. Whatever happened between Ray and me, you're still Heather's aunt. And I still care about your brother. I always will.”

The words hung in the air, heavy with everything that had been lost and everything that might still be found.

“Do you still love him?” Paula asked. She hadn't meant to say it, but the question slipped out before she could stop it.

Julie was quiet for a long moment. When she spoke, her voice was barely above a whisper.

“I never stopped. I tried to, for years. I told myself that the man I married was gone, that the war had taken him and left someone else in his place. But that wasn't true. Ray's still in there somewhere. I saw glimpses of him, even at the end. The way he looked at Heather when he thought no one was watching. The way he'd reach for my hand in his sleep.” She took a shaky breath. “He left to protect us, Paula. He believed he was dangerous, that he might hurt us. And maybe he was right to be scared. But he was wrong to leave. We needed him. We still need him.”

Paula felt tears sliding down her cheeks. All these years, she'd been fighting for her brother alone. She'd never realized that Julie was fighting too, in her own way, from her own distance.

“I'll find him,” Paula said. “I don't know how, but I'll find him. And when I do, I'll call you.”