Page 21 of Reagan

“Are you still married to that country doctor?”She said that she was very happily married to the doctor.Then she asked her why.“I don’t like him.He has no sympathy for sufferers like me.He doesn’t believe that there is such a disease as depression.I want you to divorce him and move in with me.I’ve told you this before, and you got away with not doing it.I’m going to have to insist that you do it when I get out so that I can keep an eye on you so that you don’t trigger my depression.”

“How will I know if I’m triggering your depression if I live with you?It seems to me that you’d want me to live as far away from you as I could get if I make you so depressed all the time.And Reagan does too believe that depression is a disease.He has patients that he sends to other doctors when he can no longer treat them.”She called her a liar again.“Whatever floats your boat.I know that I’m telling the truth, and you should understand that I wouldn’t lie to you.”

“Why?Why should I understand that you wouldn’t lie to me?People lie all the time, and you’re no different.You’ve made me depressed again, and I hope you’re happy.”Blake shifted in her chair, wanting so badly to say something to her but not wanting to hear it from her either.“You look pinched.What is it you’re thinking?Are you wanting to hurt me again?”

“I don’t seem to be able to help but hurt you all the time.”She said that was true, and she had to bite her lip again.“I think you’re just pissed off because things aren’t going your way.I don’t think that you’re depressed at all, but angry all the time.”

“I’ll have you know that I take the strongest medication there is for depression.And my doctor can prove it.I’m not going to have him do that, however, because I’m the bigger person than you are.”She didn’t know what to say about that, so she kept her mouth shut.But it seemed to piss off Robin again that she didn’t answer whatever question was in her head at the time, so she got mad at her again.“You are triggering me, Blake.I’ll not have it.Why as it stands right now, I might have to be put on more medications if you don’t do as I want.You know that when you act out, it makes me feel bad.You just do that to try to get me into trouble.They’ve told me here that I can’t start fights with people anymore, or they’ll put me out.I need this place to have someone dealing with my depression.”

“I’m sick of hearing about your depression.”Robin opened and closed her mouth three times before Blake continued.“Why can’t you be depressed without telling everyone?I do it.I feel really rotten on some days, and I don’t run about accusing people of triggering me.I just let it go so that I can focus on other things that might make me feel better about myself.”

“Did you know that I wanted to kill myself because of you?I was going to, but I decided that I’d get better being in the hospital.What do you think of that?”She looked so smug that she wanted to slap the shit right out of her.“What are you going to do when you find out that I’ve tried to kill myself and you’re to blame?I hope that it makes you feel like you’ve lost something important with me not around you anymore.”

“If you really wanted to kill yourself, you would have done it by now.”She watched her sister for any sign that she might well do that.“You’re not a nice person, Robin.I should have known that before now, but I’m just beginning to realize what a terrible person you’ve become.There is no pleasing you either.You want to be upset all the time, and you won’t have anyone trying to make you less so.I think you like being depressed all the time because you use it as a shield.”

“What a thing to say to me.If I had my purse right now, I’d use it on you.”She asked her what was in her purse.“Never you mind.It’s come in handy over the years, and I’ll not allow you to know how I use it.You’ll want one for yourself, and that’s not going to happen.It’s my way of dealing with people who trigger me.”

“Reagan says you have a brick inside of it.”If she hadn’t been looking at her right at that moment, she might have missed the look of terror.“So you do have a brick inside your purse.I did wonder why it hurt so badly when you hit me with it.You’ve been carrying around a weapon since I left home.Haven’t you?”

“It’s my comfort.You just stay out of my business and do as I tell you.When I want you to have an opinion, I’ll ask you to give me one.Not that I’ll heed your advice, but I don’t want to hear from you anymore about things you think are going on with me.”Blake asked her about the brick again.“So what if I carry around a brick.No one is the wiser about it, and it keeps me safe.I don’t have a gun, so I’m not hurting anyone when they make me use it on them.”

“But you hurt me with it.You knocked me down hard enough that I had to have stitches, and you broke my wrist.”They both looked at the place that a cast had been only a short week ago.“You’re just lucky that I heal fast, or I’d not be able to work.”

“I’ve told you before that you don’t have to work.When you come and live with me, you’ll know what living with staff is like.”She told her that she wasn’t going to be living with her.“You will, or I’ll have you arrested.I need you in my house so that I can have someone there who can calm me down.”

“You said that I trigger you.I can’t do both.You either want me around so that you have someone to complain to, or you want someone around you that you can blame for your being upset again.Which, by my estimations, is all the time.”She huffed at her sister and smiled when she told her not to do that again.“You can’t have someone arrested because they won’t live with you anyway.I think that one day with you and the police would help me find my own place to live, rather than living with you.You’re hard on a person.”

“Why are you so mean to me?I’ve done nothing wrong to warrant you treating me like this.Don’t you know how ill I am?How much I suffer?”She said that she did as she told her all the time.“You’re going to regret treating me this way, Blake.I think it’s all on that man that you’re married to.Or think you’re married to.I have enough money that I can have it annulled in no time.What will youdo then?”

“Have his children regardless.”She turned bright red in her anger, and Blake loved it.“We talked about having them soon, too.Why, at this moment, I could be carrying his child.Do you know what that would make you?An aunt.Wouldn’t that be great to have about a dozen little ones around to help you with your depression?I know that babies help me when I’m down.”

“You will not have any children.Ever.I forbid it.”She said that it was her body and that she’d do what she wanted.“You’ll not or else, Blake.I’m not kidding you right now.I will not be around children at all.They’re messy and sticky, not to mention germ magnets.”

“But they are good for depression.I can hear a child laugh, and it makes my heart swell with happiness.You should try it sometimes.It’s the best thing ever.Not even drugs make me feel as good as a child will.That’s why I’m planning on having about a dozen of them with Reagan.You can have our marriage annulled all you want, but it won’t stop us from having children and having a happy life together.”She said that she forbade it again.“Like I said, I don’t care what you do about us being married.We’ll just be happy together anyway that we can, no matter what you have to say about it.”

“I loath you.”That made her laugh, and she wasn’t quite sure why.“You’re nothing to me but a pain in my ass.I hate the very air that you breathe in and out of that skinny body of yours.”

“As much as I hate to agree with you on this, I don’t much care for you either.You’ve manipulated me enough as far as I’m concerned.I think that my own depression would be manageable if you weren’t around to trigger me.”She said that she triggered her first, and that was final.“I don’t know if you realize this or not, but people can trigger each other.That’s why I don’t understand why you want me to live with you so badly.Neither one of us would survive it.”

“I want you with me so that you can see how much I suffer with you around.”She told her that it didn’t make any sense.“It does too.You should see how much I have to suffer daily just to be able to live in this world.No matter what I do, I just can’t get you to be in line with my way of thinking, and I’m sick of it.”

“I don’t like your way of thinking.”Robin picked up a pillow and put it on her face.She knew what she was doing; she did the same thing when she was out with her.Screaming into a pillow so that no one could hear her.“What?Are you afraid that people will hear you being depressed?I would think this is the perfect place to let others know when you’re depressed.You certainly have no trouble making sure I know when you are.”

With the pillow back on the chair, she looked like she had everything under control.Blake just stared at her.Making it so that she had to make the first sound between them.She didn’t care if she had to sit all night with her; she wasn’t going to say a word until she did.When her eyebrow started twitching, she knew that it was only a matter of seconds before she began sounding off again.Telling her that she was more depressed than she was.

“You have no idea what I suffer.”She told her that she certainly told her enough that she knew.“You just don’t know what it is to have to suffer like I do.”

“You said that twice.Was that for my benefit, or have you begun repeating yourself like someone who doesn’t remember what they said?I think they have a title for that disease as well.You might be coming down with something altogether different than depression.Have you thought of that?”She said that she hated her again.“I don’t care anymore, Robin.I really don’t.I have a good life for myself, and I’m going to live it the best that I can.You might feel better if you find someone to date once in a while.Though I don’t know how that would work out for you.You’re just too mean to have anyone around you for more than an hour or so.”

“I’m not mean, I’m depressed.”She again didn’t say anything but watched her sister.“You’re triggering me right now, and I don’t care for it.I’m going to be in a black place soon, and you have no idea what I can be up to when I get in that sort of mood.”

“You’ve told me about your moods all the time.I think that I can pick them out from you without any trouble.”She told her to go away.“Gladly.I would also like to inform you that I’m not coming here again.And I know for a fact that they’re not going to release you until you have a doctorwho will see you.I have a feeling that you’re going to be having your mail delivered here before you find someone that wants to put up with you.”

Blake stood up, and her sister raised her chin.Before she said anything else, she was on her way to the nurses’ station to tell them that she was leaving.Apparently, Robin couldn’t be left alone for very long, or she caused trouble with the other patients.She was on her way out the door when she saw Reagen.He was just what she needed in someone waiting for her, and she hugged him tightly when she was cleared from the doors.

“I have you.”She nodded, unable to say anything beyond the lump in her throat.“She won’t hurt you again.Not so long as I have blood in my body.”

“Don’t go to prison.”He laughed, and she told him that she wasn’t kidding.“She’ll drive you batty until you have to be your tiger and hurt her, and then how will I have those babies.And with that, I want you to know that I want to have a child right away.I want to hear their laughter all the time, and that will make me feel better.I want to love them like my sister never loved me, too.”