Page 57 of The Arrangement

“Fuck, this is weird to do over the phone,” he muttered, “but here goes. I’m obviously still upset that you enlisted without telling anyone. It wasn’t until my therapist pointed out that I’d done the exact same thing that I understoodwhyyou did it. Don’t get me wrong, still hurts like fuck, but… I get it.”

Well, this was embarrassing. “Um, don’t suppose you could explain it to me?”

He huffed a laugh. “I’m not even going to tease you about that, because she had to literally hold my hand through that shit. I know you weren’t really around when I came out to Mom and Dad. Not trying to start anything, just setting the stage so you can understand what happened.”

“What did happen, Andy? No one ever told me. The most I got was a smart-ass text from Sav about you being gay, then nothing.”

“Why does that not surprise me? Let me guess, she included something along the lines of ‘called it’?” His snark was on point and an eerie echo of our sister.

“Something like that.”

“Anyway, I don’t know what I was expecting—no, that’s a lie. I had an idea. I expected them to kick me out, to want nothing to do with me, to see me exactly the same way all those bigots at Ulwich did. So when I told them and they just stared at me like they’d never seen me before, it… it confirmed my greatest fears. They wouldn’t accept the real me. They couldn’t even talk to me. After a few minutes of silence, I couldn’t take it anymore, so I turned and left.” His sniffle betrayed that even though it was years past, even though they’d reconciled, and he was actively healing, the hurt was still there.

“Shit, Andy. I’m so sorry I wasn’t there.”

“That wasn’t your responsibility.”

“Yes, the fuck it was.” The chair squeaked as I straightened. “No matter how much you dislike it, I’m your big brother. Iwantto be there for you. I always have. Why do you think I made sure to be there the Christmas you brought Mitch to meet the family? No matter what it took, no way was I going to let you go through that on your own a second time.”

“You mean you didn’t show up just so you could upstage me by coming out as bi and try to steal my boyfriend?” he teased with his usual amount of snark. I rolled my eyes, but he continued talking before I could interject. “Anyway, all that’s to say, we both seem to have a bad habit of assuming people won’t accept us, so we decide preemptively they won’t and distance ourselves. In our cases, literally. Though I only went a few states over. You jumped a damn ocean.”

“I wasn’t overseas the whole time,” I mumbled.

“Moot point. We put up strong fronts, these barriers to protect ourselves, and when we sense those failing, we add distance. Sometimes, a lot of distance. I know I used coming out to Mom and Dad as an example, but I started doing it in school. First with Mitch, then,” he let out a ragged sigh, “then with everyone. Which begs the question: What happened to you at Ulwich, James?”

I immediately bristled. He didn’t ask it as if somethingmighthave happened; it was definitive, unassailable. “Nothing.”

“James,” he said with a wealth of patience he must have stolen from someone, because my younger brother certainly didn’t possess it. “You know you can talk to me, right? I went there too. I know—”

“Nothing, because nothing happened,” I bit out. “Not to me. Nothingeverhappened to me. Who would have dared? You’ve called me an ogre since you learned the damn word, Andy. No one touched me. No one even looked at me crossways. Things happened to other boys, but not to me.”

Andy sucked in a breath. “Oh.Ohhhhh.”

“What?” I snapped, not liking the way he said thatat all.

“I totally get it now.”

“Get what?” I asked again.

“I’ve wondered for years why you chose to enlist in the Army of all things. I mean, you could have done anything, gone anywhere. You had the resources, the intellect, the connections. You could havedoneanything, and yet you enlisted as a basic soldier.”

“Andy, are you even listening to me? What the hell are you talking about?” This conversation wasn’t going in any of the directions I’d anticipated. Going for a run or mainlining coffee would be better than whatever this was. I stood, ready to end the call the moment I had a chance.

“I get it now, why it had to be the Army. Nothing happened toyou, but you had to watch it happen to others. And you enlisted because going to college, going in as an officer, would be using the same influence that hurt those other boys, and you… You wanted to save people. Save the people you couldn’t save before,” he finished in a whisper as his revelation came to a close. “James, it wasn’t your fault.”

I fell heavily back into the chair. “Yes, it was. I stood there and did nothing. So many hurt… so many that didn’t have to be, all because I did nothing.”

“You were a kid. We all were,” he argued.

“I was old enough whenhewas there.” I didn’t have to elaborate. We both knew who I meant. Andy’s friend wasn’t even his first victim, and he definitely wasn’t his last.

“No.” The firmness in Andy’s voice took me aback. “I will not sit here and let you take or try to take responsibility for something that wasneveryour responsibility. Adults, faculty,the lawfailed us. Our only responsibility was coming out alive on the other side.”

I shook my head in wonder at the man my little brother had grown into. “You know I have your article saved? I’d frame it if I actually had a place, but yeah, really proud of how you brought those bastards to their knees.”

“Yeah, well, no good deed goes unpunished. Sadly, I’m not the one who paid that price.” A faint series of chimes filtered through the speaker.

“What’s that? Am I keeping you from something?”