Page 63 of Darkness Defined

The worry in Rubio’s voice officially broke me. I scanned the hallway until I found what looked like an empty room. Much as I wanted to respect Matt’s right to privately discover things on his own, I needed help. “Okay, but not out here.” I took off for the room, with what I expected was a very confused Rubio. The room turned out to be barely more than an oversized closet, but it was mercifully devoid of people. I waited for Rubio to clear the door, then slammed it shut. Before he could say a word, I blurted, “I kissed Matt. My roommate. Whose name is Matt.”

Rubio stared at me, frozen mid word. He blinked and moved his mouth, but no sound came out.

As I flopped against the wall, I groaned and fisted my hands over my eyes. “I don’t know what I was thinking. I knew fantasizing about him would get me in trouble. We’d been drinking—like a lot. We were laughing and having a good time, then I had to bugger it all up by kissing him.” I dropped my hands and looked at Rubio, who still seemed to be struggling to put a whole word together.

He cleared his throat and held up a finger, then paused, as if still working to wrap his head around my haphazard explanation. “So… he knows you’re gay.”

I rested my head against the wall and stared up at the ceiling. “He certainly does now.”

“Okay, let’s break this down.”

I glanced back at Rubio, simultaneously relieved to have finally told someone and even more anxious because now that it was out in the world, I couldn’t pretend it hadn’t happened. Not that I’d been doing such a great job of that before. “What’s there to break down?”

His mouth twisted to the side in a scowl. “Seriously? What’s there not to break down? You kissed your supposedly straight roommate.”

“He’s straight, Rubio.”

He snorted. “Most people aren’t half as straight as they think. They simply never take the chance to consider anything else. What did he do when you kissed him?”

“Freaked.”

Rubio scowled harder. “Care to be more specific?”

I sighed hard enough to stir up some dust and straightened up. “He went all quiet, gave me a funny look, eventually said he needed a minute, then went to his room.”

“Ouch.” Rubio winced. “Harsh.”

“It gets worse. After a few minutes, he came back, floundered trying to say I was gay, then went back to his room again.”

Rubio shook his head. “Yikes, man, no wonder you’re in a state.”

“Not done yet.”

His eyes widened.

“After another few minutes, he came back out and demanded I kiss him again.”

“Did you?”

I took a deep breath and let it out. “You don’t know Matt. He can be really insistent. So, yeah, I did. Except…”

“Except?” Rubio leaned forward, anticipation written clearly across his face.

“He kissed me back? At least, I think he did.”

Rubio smacked me on the arm. “See, not so straight after all.”

“Please, the last thing I need is more confusion. And it’s not like he stuck around afterward to chat about our feelings.”

“Have you talked at all about what happened?” Rubio crossed his arms and leaned against the wall opposite me.

“Not beyond him saying it doesn’t matter that I’m gay.” The bitter sting of tears burned my eyes. “Besides, if that was true, then why is he avoiding me? He can barely be in the same room with me long enough to review his notes.“.

“Hey, hey, things will be alright.” He held out his arms, and I didn’t think twice about stepping into the hug. “Give him time. Sounds like this might be his first experience outside of hetero-normative expectations.” Suddenly, Rubio leaned back and gave me a stern look. “Unless he said or did something hurtful that you’re not telling me about, because if that’s the case, I’ll kick his ass.”

“No, nothing like that.”

Rubio gave a curt nod before enfolding me back in his embrace, backpack and all. “Good.”