Page 57 of Darkness Defined

“I… I need to… Yeah.” He got up none too steadily, then walked to his room. The door closed quietly behind him.

I could have screamed.

What have I done? I’ve ruined everything.

My breathing came in short, shallow gasps while my heart seemed determined to beat itself out.

He’s never going to talk to me again. He’ll hate me forever.

The thoughts tumbled over each other, each bringing a fresh wave of despair. Suddenly, his door opened, and he stepped out. I swiveled around to face him, and he looked over at me. I’d have given anything to appear calm and collected right then, but there was no hiding the panic that had to be clearly stamped across my face.

“So, you… you’re…” His gaze slid away from me, much like his words.

“Matt, I can explain.”

He nodded to himself, still looking lost. “How drunk are you?” he asked unexpectedly.

“Pretty drunk,” I admitted.

“How drunk am I?”

“Also, pretty drunk.”

“Okay. Right. And…” He didn’t finish, just walked back into his room.

He couldn’t even say it. There was no way I could undo this. I grabbed a pillow and yelled all of my frustration into it. What was I going to do? We were really starting to get along and I fucked it all up.

“Right, let’s try this again.”

I looked up to see that Matt had reemerged once again. Only this time, instead of confused, he looked determined. I got up and walked around to face him. I had no idea what I was going to say, but I had to try something. “Matt, I’m sorry, I…”

He held up his hand, cutting off my string of apologies. My mouth closed with an audible snap. He searched my face like he was trying to decide something. “Let’s try this again,” he repeated.

“Try what?” I asked dubiously.

“Kiss me.”

Immediately, I was wary. “You’re messing with me.”

“No, I’m not. I’m perfectly serious.”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” I hedged, still clinging to the faint hope that I could come up with an adequate excuse for the first kiss.

“Alex, would you just do it already? I’m trying to figure something out.” He looked at me expectantly.

I hung back, filled with trepidation, but his face clearly said he wasn’t backing down. Maybe if I did something super small, it’d meet his demand and get me off the hook without making things much worse. He obviously wouldn’t let me out of it.

I took a deep breath and leaned forward. In all of my dreams, this was not how I’d seen this moment going. This time, when our lips touched, I made a conscious effort to keep it minimal. Even then, my heart gave a traitorous skip. I was kissing Matt. On purpose.

It was probably the liquor that made me believe he was pressing back. I stubbornly fought the urge to slip into the easy fantasy. That wouldn’t help anything. Then I felt his tongue glide along my lip. Alcohol-addled brain or not, it was all the encouragement I needed. I dropped all pretense of restraint and pulled his face closer. Then I kissed him like I’d wanted to do for weeks, claiming his mouth with mine. And it was incredible, so much better than I could have ever dreamed. Fireworks, sparklers, electric current, all of it and then some.

A distant part of me screamed that this was not the right answer. But as I felt his lips move against mine, I couldn’t have stopped if my life depended on it. I wanted this, needed it like I needed air to breathe. He was every bit the amazing kisser I’d imagined, and I wanted more. I drew him closer, deepening the kiss, and he let me. The whole world teetered on its axis and I fell infinitely into Matt.

Abruptly, he pulled away, the suction of separation making an awful sound. Still in a daze, I drifted to follow him, more than willing to drown for an eternity, but stopped myself short. My heart beat like it was going to come right out of my chest. We were only inches apart, and I could still taste him on my tongue.

He pressed his lips together, and I longed to tease them free, to kiss them ’til they were cherry red and his breathing was as ragged as mine. Suddenly, I realized my hand was still cupping his face and snatched it down. He’d yet to look at me, and I could practically see his mind turning as he tried to absorb what had happened. It didn’t look to be going in my favor.

He nodded as if to himself. “That’s what I thought. So, you’re definitely…?” His eyes were clouded crystal when they snared my own.