Page 47 of The Cowboy's Cabaret

“I don’t know. For once, I want more. I want a life, I want a family. I want love.”

“And you didn’t want all that before?” he questions.

“I think I always wanted it, but I couldn’t give myself the hope for more. You gave me all the love, too. You and Lorraine never made me feel like the burden I was, never hurt me for hurting.” My eyes sting with unshed tears.

“Son, you were never a burden. I can tell you until the end of time and you won’t understand it until you believe it yourself. All you ever were to us was another heart to love. When Eric and Carissa told us they were having you, I loved you then. I think maybe I hoped you’d force them to grow up, but when has that ever worked out?” His laugh is humorless.

“Point being, we already loved you. Taking you in wasn’t ever a hardship in our minds. Knowing we protected you? I’d do it again. My only regret is not giving Eric a taste of what he put you through myself. I’m sorry to say it, I really am. He was my only brother, but he put his hands on you for too long and I can’t forgive myself for not knowing sooner.”

“Stone, it’s okay. It’s a shit situation, a clusterfuck of the messiest kind. I don’t forgive him and I never will, but I don’t know how to let it go.” I look out at the backyard, early signs of fall in the breeze. “I think I hurt Jasper. Or have been hurting him without realizing.”

“Maybe he feels like I’m leaving him behind, like I don’t care about this place? I do, I really do. I also want more. Sometimes I feel like I’ll never be able to move forward. Other times, I…” I trail off. “That girl, Dahlia, I brought around? Before I met her,it felt like I was moving through life in quicksand. It’s like she woke something up in me I can’t ignore. Something I don’t want to ignore anymore. Jasper seems to take it as a slight to him, like I’m leaving it all to him. I worked this place the same as him all those years, but he acts like I haven’t put my heart in this place too, like I haven’t broken my back and lost sleep to make sure this place stayed afloat. I don’t get it.”

Stone takes a breath. He doesn’t say anything for a bit, like he’s chewing over the words in his head.

“Wes, I don’t know if you fully see Jasper’s point of view. Maybe there are things he hasn’t shared with you. Things bigger than all this.”

“It doesn’t seem fair that I’m fighting him on shit I don’t know about.”

He shrugs his shoulders. “It’s not for me to share, not now at least.”

“Maybe this horse therapy thing would be good for all of us,” I try. “We can only go forward right? One day at a time, but I can’t stand fighting with him like this.”

Red-rimmed, green eyes meet mine. “Proud of you, that’s a good idea.”

Night is creepingin and I’m searching for Jasper when I come across him near the fire pit. Head in his hands, he doesn’t look up when he speaks. “If you’re here to fight some more, I’m done for today.”

The defeated lull of his voice cracks me open and I drop down beside him, the shitty lawn chair creaking under my weight. “Not here to fight Jasper.”

He’s silent and I decide to keep going. If he wants me to shut up, he’ll tell me to fuck off or leave. “It’s not possible to do this all on your own. I know I said you’re selfish Jasper, but that’s the wrong word for it. You’re devoted, loyal to a fault. You’ve tied your honor and worth to this place so tight, it’s strangling you. This place is my home too, and I don’t want to see it fail either. We want the same thing, but maybe we’re both being stubborn about how to get there.”

Jasper’s breath is ragged and he looks toward the sky. “The pressure is building and I’m going to fucking blow if I don’t figure this out. I don’t think I can be a part of Dahlia’s solution because it feels like I’m giving up, like I couldn’t solve this on my own.”

“I can’t convince you you’re not a failure, but Jasper, you gotta know how much I looked up to you, fuck, how much I still look up to your old ass.” He laughs. “You can set the weight of the world down every once in a while and it won’t fall apart. I don’t need you to worship the ground Dahlia walks on—that’s my job—but I do want you to get along at the very least. She only wants to help. And yes, this project serves her too, but we can all benefit from this. This could be the shot we need to make it out of the hole we’re in.”

“Alright, lover boy, reel it in. Dahlia is a good person, I know. Can’t avoid the simple fact—she’s kind and smart. She’s your match. I guess I have a lot of complicated feelings about all this. Clearly, my asshole behavior isn’t very communicative. Bring Dahlia by again soon, if you can. I’ll hear her out and maybe I can give some suggestions too. If you’re serious about this, I want in. I’ll do right by both of you.”

“I’m gonna hug you, Jasper. Don’t start swinging now.”

He narrows his eyes at me. “You fucker, stay over there.” He tries to shove my chair over and before we know it we’re in a fitof giggles like the two dipshits we are. “Bring Dahlia, but for the love of god, tell her to leave Daphne at home,” he pleads.

“There’s a story there and we’ll get it out of you one day, but I think I’ve emotionally tortured you enough for now. Let’s go harass Amber next, she’ll be pleased we sorted our shit out. We’re a couple of functioning adults who talk through their feelings! Who would’ve thought.”

I notice his smirk at the mention of Daphne, but I let it slide for now because that smirk is the closest thing I’ve gotten to a smile in an unbelievably long time.

THIRTY-SIX

don’t tase me bro

Dahlia

School is burningme the fuck out and I’m in desperate need of a break. We haven’t heard back from Mental Health Marvels yet, and the wait is agonizing. Not only do I have my master’s thesis on the line, but I’ve taken on the responsibility to make something happen for Big Al’s too.

Wes texted me—he and Jasper finally hashed it out and I’m glad to hear they kissed and made up. Now to get Daphne and Jasper on the same page, but that’s a battle for another day. Like she was summoned, Daphne saunters in in knee-high leather boots with a chunky heel and a pair of tiny black shorts. She meets my smirk while leaning over to scoop her boobs up into the Budweiser tube top she’s wearing. “Ready to head out?”

“If I must. I’m dragging major fuckin’ ass tonight. Thank fuck, I’m on bar-only tonight. You can prop me up in the corner,Weekend at Bernie’sstyle when I pass out.” I chuckle. “Should I wear my Corona top to match?”

“The one that makes your tits look delicious? Yes. Shake those boobies and make lots of tips.”