Page 24 of The Sound of Him

I wasn’t aware that Keaton knew about that. I doubt Kellan is either.Should I apologize?It’s not like I’ve ever tattled on him or anything. There are plenty of his secrets I’m going to be taking to my grave. Bryce might be the biggest one, but he’s definitely not the only.

When Kellan calls about him, it’s more of a consultation than a request for intel. He wants to know my opinion on Keaton’s current mental state. He wants to check to see if I think Kellan’s actions on a particular Keaton-related issue are theright choices. He wants to bounce ideas off of me to figure out if something is the kind of thing Keaton would forgive him for, or if he’s approaching a line he shouldn’t cross. I’m a sounding board, more than anything else.

He knows Keaton relaxes with me in ways he can’t with him. If I told him we called each other brothers tonight, I don’t think he’d be even the slightest bit surprised. If anything, his surprise would be that we hadn’t said that to each other sooner. He’s fully aware that Keaton and I have grown into something as the years have passed. He knows I fill in the gaps he can never fill. Kellan trusts me to be that person for Keaton, something I’ve never fully understood, but something I won’t ever take for granted. I always thought the least I could do was be honest with him in return. Keaton’s mental health history is too dangerous not to be.

The system has worked so far, at least.

I’m realizing now that Keaton might not agree.

Fuck.

“I don’t tell him things you wouldn’t want him to know,” I say carefully, my heart pounding just as hard as before. I hope I sound more honest than defensive. “I haven’t told him about Bryce. I would never do that.”

“There isn’t…” he stops himself with a deep sigh. We both know denying it would be absurd. I appreciate him saving us the time. This conversation has been exhausting enough as is. “Okay, yeah. There’s an ‘about Bryce’. But I’m… handling it. Sort of. I’mworkingon handling it.”

I can feel the way my bouncing knee is making my chair vibrate. Stopping it feels like a bad idea, like all the pressure inside of me will burst without the small outlet. Like I’ll be the one tearing apart for once, instead of Keaton.

I’m so good at piecing Keaton back together while I keep my own shit steady. I’m not sure how good I’d be at doing that for myself if I fall apart.

God, what if I hit rock bottom and end up having to, like… go see Adam?

Yuck.

I lay my forearm on the desk before using it to pillow my head. My desk starts to bounce along with my knee and chair. The two monitors nearest to me jiggle a little.

I have to do this. Before I send him out with Travis. Before I tell Kellan I think it’s a good idea. I have to do this.

I’d never forgive myself if I don’t do this.

“Keaton?”

“Yeah?”

“When’d you start drinking again?”

He sucks in a sharp breath, but he doesn’t deny it.

“I’ve got it-”

“-under control,” I finish softly. I’ve heard those words before. “I know. How long?”

Every second he makes me wait for the answer sends a fresh wave of panic through me. I’m nearly drowning in it when he finally says, “Since the other night. I was… watching.”

“Watching what, bud?”

“The party.”

I shift my weight, my bouncing knee pausing for a second as my mind spins. I was busy the night of the party. Especially once Carter and Casey were entrusted to me. My top priority was getting them to the safehouse while the operatives handled the takedowns and finished things, and while the other survivors were rounded up and sorted into vehicles.

Before it was time for me to take Carter and Casey, though, I was sitting in my vehicle with a tablet, monitoring the party to make sure everything unravelled the way we needed it to. I knewKeaton was monitoring it, too. Even Kellan probably was. It was the much anticipated ending to a nearly decade-long operation that took a lot out of all of us, psycopaths included.

I was too busy to think of the consequences of Keaton’s viewership.

He had to watch Bryce.

I don’t have to ask him what made that night different from all the other times he’s had to watch Bryce get hurt. It just was. The energy, the nerves, that awful feeling of being so close and knowing at any second everything could fall apart. Adding that on top of having to watch Bryce panicking, the man overwhelmed with confusion, his fragile hope warring with a lifetime of skepticism - all while knowing that it was the last time he’d see Bryce if he stayed true to our deal.

I don’t know how to help him with any of that, especially not without giving in and letting him fuel his obsession, but I can handle the drinking at least.