Page 164 of The Sound of Him

Yeah.

He’s my brother.

He saved me too.

Fun fact?

He’s in love with you.

A giggle catches in my throat. I choke on it, my stomach going jittery and tight with the suppressed urge. If I laugh now, I’m going to cry. If I cry now, I’m not confident I’ll ever stop.

“Is that usual? For an agent to go in the ambulance? Oh, wait. There’s - are there two of them? There’s a woman, too.”

“I don’t know.” It’s not a full lie. “The group isn’t a part of us. They’re just regular law enforcement.”

“Huh.” He looks back at me. “Well, we-” but he stops.

He stops, his eyes narrowing a little. Then he looks back at the screens. Then at me again.

I’m so tired, my heart doesn’t even have the energy to kick up with panic at what he might be seeing. I’m not tired enough to not react when he asks, “Were you his age?”

The words are claws in my chest. That’s all I can think. All I can focus on. The sharp, twisting feeling of sharp claws impaling my skin, into my lungs, filling them with hot blood until there’s no room for any oxygen inside them.

I leave my body.

I have finally crumbled.

I am nothing but dust.

I am not here.

I’m in a dark closet, little and dirty and scared and hurting, ear to the wall trying to hear music.

This body is just a shell, just a pretend thing.

“Okay. That’s okay. Never mind. Just - you want to come check out the party? Maybe it’ll help. I don’t know. When things are bad for me, I have to be around everyone. I need to see them all and know they’re okay and spend time with them. But if you need to hide instead, that’s okay. I’ll stay with you or leave you alone or send Matt. Whatever you need.”

I find myself walking. He joins me, his elbow bumping mine.

There is loud music playing when we find everyone. Some of them are already drunk. Some of them are quickly on their way to getting there.

I gravitate toward Travis and Jake. They say something, both smiling. I feel my lips smile back. I take a drink of my beer.

I hear Bryce ask, “Where’s Matty?”

I look around, moving my head slowly so I don’t get dizzy. The upper might be wearing off. I can’t feel my body well enough. That’s okay. I don’t want to.

I promised myself I would sleep after this.

I stole a few extra pills, though. Just in case. I could go another 24 hours without nightmares. Maybe even 48 or 60, if I stagger things right.

Where is Matt? Did anyone answer Bryce?

My beer is warm.

Jake is… gone.

Travis and Carter are too busy talking.