Page 149 of The Sound of Him

I keep it together through asking Kellan’s permission and waiting to hear back from him. I keep it together through another meal Matt doesn’t eat and Adam ushering me into his office for another session. I keep it together through Keaton asking to join the mission, and Kellan calling me to ask me if I know why he’s so damn invested in this group, and me trying to convince Kellan that I think it just has to do with his connection to me.

I keep it together when I call Keaton after, too.

At least, I do at first.

I keep it together while I recount my conversation with Kellan and tell him that I’m really starting to worry and remind him that we had a deal, that he’d let these guys all go, that he promised.

I falter after that, though, when he says, “Please, Ace. You’re building yourself this little family and I’m so proud of you and happy for you, I am, but I - I don’t want to lose you. I can’t lose you. Okay? And so I just thought, I don’t know, I just thought maybe we could merge somehow? Or share? It’s not even about Bryce. I swear. It’s just that I’ve been working with Maison for a long time and I love the guy, and I’m pretty damn fond of Travis now too, and even Jake is great. I know you don’t want to let them go. I know you’re going to stick with them, even if you haven’t fully accepted that yet. I get that. They’re your family now, like me and Kell are. I’m just asking you not to choose between us, you know? I’m not saying I’d ever be considered family or be on that same level as you are with them, not at all, but I could be a friend that stops by to visit, can’t I? Sort of a plusone to the group? That’d be - I’d really like that. Don’t you think we could figure something out so I could - I don’t know - so I could have that? Just a little?

“Maison called me. Well, notmeme, but me as his pretend superior in the chain of command, and he was asking about living arrangements, about staying in the safehouse maybe, and when I told him we can’t bend the rules anymore for it, he asked if he would be allowed to buy a house outside of the organization and invite everyone to come live there. He wanted to know if that would count as leaving, retiring, whatever. Wanted to know if any resources would be left available. I think he’s going to do it, Ace. I think he’s going to buy a house and move everyone there. I just thought - I don’t know. I thought maybe I could be a part of it.”

I stare at the top drawer of my desk for a long time. The one with that one final pill, still waiting to come to the rescue.

I think,Kellan will kill them if he ever hears you even sort of refer to them as family - especially your family.

I think,you’ll always be my brother, but I don’t want to lose them, please don’t make me lose them, Keaton.

I think,it’s a fair request, though, it’s a fucking fair request.

I think,if Maison didn’t tell me about this house plan, does that mean he doesn’t plan on inviting me along?

I think,would I even say yes if he did?

I press a knuckle into the corner of my eye, yet another migraine working its way to the surface.

I’m so tired.

God, I’m so fucking tired.

I forgot how hard it was to stay awake like this without the drugs.

I’ve got those two pills left, enough for one more combo, but it’s not time yet. I can push through this a little longer. I can keep it together. I’m faltering, but I can fix that. I can correct it.

I’m fine.

I’ve got this.

I say, “Of course. Yeah. We’ll figure it out. You won’t lose me, man, and you don’t have to lose them either. We’ll make it work.”

I say, “Stay safe, okay? Shoot me a secure message if you need anything. I’ll be watching.”

I say, “Love you, you idiot.”

I hang up and gasp for air until my lungs are full of a million little needles.

But then I get it back together.

I keep it together.

I keep it together for an hour, and then another, and then another after that.

I nap for the duration of their flight, waking up to my alarm just after they’ve landed. I help them coordinate from there, keeping my eyes on traffic cameras and police radars for the area. I check that the location they’re bringing Quinton to is still secure and give them the go-ahead to move him.

They set Quinton up to stew in the dark for a while, but I’m too anxious to try to rest again. I keep myself busy updating my corkboards for the survivors and running through the security systems of the other Roarke-related safehouses, making sure there haven’t been any breaches or tampering. I consider going to find Adam and talking to him about how terrified I am to listen to Quinton talk about Elliot. About how I’m ten times more terrified to find the boy, to see the damage for myself. About how a particular thought keeps popping into my head, dark and dangerous and awful, just a whisper, a creeping feeling whenever I let my guard done. A thought that maybe Elliot would be better off dead. A thought that maybe, just a little, just in the deepest part of myself, I’m hoping he is.

I try to make myself feel better by focusing on the plans we’ll need in place if Quinton cooperates and gives us the information we need.

The best option is obviously slaughtering whoever owns him and taking him to safety. We’ll need a medic in the area, possibly a full-on doctor if things are bad enough. The boy will need to be checked over before we bring him to his mom. Then, if his mom wants it, we’ll bring the both of them to a safehouse so we can get them the resources they need.