Page 119 of The Sound of Him

I need those. I need energy. I can’t sleep yet.

I should find another-

“No, stay here. Stay right here with me.Breathe.”

I brace my arm on the thing between my legs - a wastebasket, it’s a wastebasket, because of course he knew I’d get sick, knows me so damn well - and force my heavy head up enough to look at him. Everything swims. Then comes into focus. I whisper, “I’m sorry.”

“Shh. None of that.” He rubs my back a few more times before taking my head in his hands again, helping me keep it up as it starts to bob. That’s nice. Really nice.

God, my head hurts.

Everything hurts.

I’m so tired.

He presses his forehead to mine, his thumbs rubbing circles on my jaw. “Christ, kid. That was a big one, huh?”

I close my eyes with a shaky breath, just now registering the tears rolling down my cheeks.

“Let me start with the basics, hm? No one is mad. No one is disappointed. No one wishes we didn’t have you. You’re not better off in a closet. You’re not in trouble. You don’t have to apologize.” He presses his fingertips harder where they rest at the base of my skull, grounding me.

I sniff. More tears are falling down my cheeks. My chest hurts. My lungs won’t stop burning.

I’ve been running from this panic for so long, using pills and caffeine and music, sticking to routines and burying myself in work. I forgot why that’s such a bad idea. I forgot how muchworse it is when the crash comes after running, instead of just facing it right away.

“K-Keaton?”

“Yeah, buddy. I’m right here. I’ve got you.”

I swallow around a sob. “I’m so fucking tired.”

“Yeah? Alright. Yeah, that’s okay. Let’s take care of that, huh? Let’s take care of that first. Come on.”

He helps me stand up before bracing one of his hands on the back of my neck and using it to guide me toward the door. My legs feel clumsy, my head heavy.

I forgot how safe he makes me feel. It’s been so long since I’ve seen him in person. It’s been so long since I got to remember thathe’sthe superhero, that he’s got it all handled. It’s been so long since I’ve had the chance to just breathe.

He guides me into the backseat of his truck, first to sit, then having me lie down. Those echoes are still going. It’s nice. Feels like home. Feels like, for just a little while, I don’t have to be the one to keep it all together.

“I have a check-in,” I slur out. “10.”

“I’ll handle it.” He promises. “How about we start with your favorite?”

I don’t have time to ask him what he’s talking about, the opening chords ofLean on Mepunctuating his question.

I sigh with relief, finally - fuckingfinally- letting my eyes fall closed.

I put this song on Matt’s playlist. Right at the top.

I hope it helped.

God, I hope it helped.

Chapter Twenty-five

Matt

Nolan is upset about Maison always putting Carter first, something I end up having to explain to Maison when he tries coming to him before leaving to move Carter and Casey out of the house. He doesn’t want to cook breakfast when Bryce comes up to check on things, so Bryce takes me down to the kitchen to fend for ourselves.