Page 118 of The Sound of Him

“Please don’t do that now. It’d be awkward as fuck.”

He laughs again, this one warm and light. He pulls back to wipe a hand down his face. Then leans back against the counter behind him and crosses his arms over his chest with a sigh.

I’m about to say something comforting. Something about how maybe if we go slow with it, Kellan won’t mind if I bring Keaton into this side of my life just a little bit. We could come up with a story on how I know him. Or we could just lean into his budding friendship with Travis, and I can act like he’s just another operative I barely know.

I’m about to say that we’ll figure something out.

He speaks first, lifting his chin to look me in the eyes as he says, “Tell me about this kid you’re looking for.”

It’s a gut-punch.

My knees almost buckle. I catch myself on the edge of the counter, bracing myself as I ignore the corner of it digging painfully into my palm. “The… kid?”

“Travis talks a lot, once you get him going,” he says as an explanation. Or maybe to just prove that there’s no point in trying to lie or talk my way out of this. “He told me about your little side project. Elliot, right?”

Fuck.

Fuck, fuck, fucking fuck.

“It’s - uh.”

“You know how much something like that will fuck with you, Ace. Even when you’re home with us and in a good place, the kids hurt you.”

“Yeah. I mean, no. No, I know. But I’m fine.”

His face crumples in pain and sympathy and grief - all the things I feel every time I think of Elliot. Every time I think of any of the other kids I’ve come across while looking. “Ace, buddy, don’t lie to me. We don’t lie to each other. That’s not us.”

“Right. Sorry.” I nod. And keep nodding. My head feels stuck in a loop, just nodding and nodding and nodding. “I’m - I’m - uh-”

“Woah, hey. Hey, it’s alright.” He lurches forward. “Fucking hell, breathe, kid. Breathe for me.”

Iambreathing, it’s just that it hurts, like it hurts really fucking bad, and everything is getting achey and my head is splitting and my eyes are burning and panic is wrapping around my chest, and I’m so tired, I’m so fucking tired, I’ve never been this tired in my life, and I’m breathing but it’s not helping. It’snot helping. I don’t know - I don’t know what to - what to - I can’t - I can’t-

“Ace!” someone says, and their hand is on my cheek, warm, heavy, fingertips pressing into the spot behind my ear, thumb pressing into the hinge of my jaw.

Keaton.

That’s how Keaton holds me when my mind goes away. It’s how he’s always held me. It made me feel so safe when I was small, like he could hold my whole world together with just his big hands.

It makes me feel safe now.

I’m so lucky to have him. To have them. Keaton and Kellan. The brothers who saved me. Who took me in. Who gave me the world all while keeping me safe from it.

Does Kellan know about Elliot? Is that why he sent Keaton here? Am I in trouble?Wait, no, I’m a grown-up. Not in trouble. Just…is Kellan disappointed in me? Is Keaton? Are they angry?

They’re all I have.

Keaton and Kellan are all I fucking have.

Why did I keep this a secret?

That’s what Kellan will be mad about most of all. No secrets. No lies. He hates those. He hates those so much.

God, I’ve kept so many secrets from him lately. Letting Carter know the truth while the operation was still going. Letting Jake buy Casey. Every goddamn thing to do with Bryce Jacobson. Now Elliot.

“Alright, shh, here, breathe,” Keaton murmurs. Something is pressed between my legs - when did I get on the floor? - thenthere’s a hand on my back, rubbing circles. “Breathe. It’s alright. Breathe.”

I heave, dry and awful, air and bile grating their way up my throat. I don’t remember the last thing I ate. A little liquid comes up when I heave again, the last remnants of my energy drinks.