Page 74 of Expressionate
"Somehow, I knew you wouldn’t have a record.” Tax moves closer to the bed. “And you didn’t. You’ve never seen a therapist. You’ve never had any sort of medication or anti-depressants.”
“That doesn’t meananything.”
“Oh, I fucking know it doesn’t.” I flinch at the savagery of his tone. After a hard, silent moment, he continues. “They pumped yourstomach."
I swallow, acid bubbling in the pit that is my stomach. Silence echoes in the cold hospitalroom.
“Well?” Tax steps closer, standing beside the bed now. "Are you going to sayanything?"
My breath shudders in my chest. When I look away, I’m shocked by the violent edge with which his feet eat up the distance between us as he reaches forward – placing one palm flat on the bed and gripping my chin with the other, tilting my faceup.
“Don’t you fucking look away from me, Lovely. If you don’t have to answer to anyone else for what you almost did, then you’re at least going to answer to me. Saysomething.”
I’m sorry feels so cheap. I can’t say that. I blink hard, against the burn in my eyes. “I…” I clench my teeth, biting down so hard that I can feel the ache in my jaw. “I thought I couldn't do it anymore,” I whisper. “What happened to Trish, I saw the signs, but I didn't push hard enough. What happened with you – I needed you last night and I was weak and I let…” I’m scared to tell him about Danny. I don’t want to set him over the edge. When I thought, before, that I wanted to keep him in the dark with me – I was wrong. I want him to be free. I want him to live in thelight.
“You let what,Lovely?”
Silent tears track down my face and he wipes them away with his thumbs when his hands come up to cup mycheeks.
"Lovely..." My name is a prayer on his lips, "it’s okay,” he whispers. “No matter what, I'm here for you. You get that, right? It’s not yourfault.”
“Then why does it feel like it?” I choke on the question as more hot tears burn trails down mycheeks.
His eyes soften. “Because, baby, you take it all in on yourself. All the shit other people say—all the shit they do, you make it your fault. You listen to them—to people who don’t fucking matter, to people you don’t even give a shit about because they scream at you the loudest. But don’t you fucking listen to them. You listen to me, baby. Listen to my words—It. Is. Not. Your. Fault,” he whispersthem.
My breath shudders in and out of my body as the quiet words filter in. He’s right. I do listen to them. Anne’s words are always so cutting, so loud. His are quiet—almost difficult to hear, but I hear them. I listen to them. I take them in and I cradle them close. I like these words. They ring with truth and they ring with safety and love. Something I haven’t felt…in forever. I look up at him and, slowly, Inod.
Tax smiles and my eyes drift down to the small bruises and cuts across his knuckles as he touches me then up to the raised bruise on his face. Those marks tell me he isn't unaffected by me, that he’s still angry even if we’re working it out. He still needs to find a place to unleash his anger, but despite that, he’s here. He came for me. He saved me even when I shoved him away, even when I hurt him. I don’t understand it.Why?
I don’t realize I’ve spoken aloud until Tax releases my face. He lets me drop my eyes, but he doesn’t move away. Instead, he gets closer, sliding onto the bed, reaching out to me with both hands. He cups my face, and the heat of his palms warms my skin. “Love.” He leans forward, his forehead touching mine. The wetness of my tears lingers in my lashes. "You're everything to me, baby. I don't fucking know how, but you crawled under my skin, and I can't get you out." He inhales sharply before releasing. "I don'twantyou out. You're perfect inside me. You're perfect everywhere. I almost lost you. Youcoded."
And I put him through that. I’m not worthy of his protection, his forgiveness. I’m a broken disaster. But the more I let him touch me, the more I think...maybe one day I could be better. If Tax can love me, then can’t I love him? Together, with him, I feel a balance – a peace – I didn't know waspossible.
“Tell me,” he says. “Don’t you fucking shut me out like you did. I can’t – I won’t do that again. You and me, Lovely. We have to be honest with each other. I’ll tell you everything. All of my past, everything I’ve ever done, things both far back and…recent.” Through blurry eyes, I watch how he bites down on his bottom lip. I can’t really see a lot of his face with how close he is – his forehead pressed to mine. “Just don’t ever fucking put me through that again. I thought I was going to loseyou.”
“Tax.” His name is a whisper, a promise, a prayer. He pulls away and moves up the bed, and I slide to the side to allow him room. I give him all of the room there is. He lays out and yanks me closer until I’m nearly on top of him. It is the safest place for me, I think. Because when he’s around, all of the pain and darkness inside quiets for a fucking minute. I don’t know what it is about him. He drives me crazy, and he makes me feel whole. "I won't," I promise him. I’ll tell him about Danny eventually. Maybe once I’ve healed, maybe sooner. But right now, I just want to be withhim.
"Never again?" hedemands.
“Never again,” I promise as the door opens and woman in white steps in – a nurse. Her face tenses when she sees Tax. “Excuse me, sir, but you cannot be in the bed and visiting hours are almostover.”
Tax sighs, pressing a gentle kiss to my forehead as he slides out from underneath me. “This isn’t over, Lovely. I’ll still be around. I’m notleaving.”
I grab his hand, and naturally, our fingers twine together. “Where are yougoing?”
He smiles, though the expression doesn’t reach up to his eyes. "The cafeteria or the waiting room," he says. "I'm not fucking leaving this building until you can come withme."
I nod and release his hand. The nurse holds the door open for him and then proceeds to check my chart. She checks it over quietly and when she's done, I know she says something about my attending physician, but I don't hear a thing. All I can think about is Tax's arms around me again. My head hurts and though my throat is growing marginally better, I would rather do nothing but curl up in Tax's arms and let myself just drift away from everything we've gone through. I know, at some point, I'll have to talk toTrish.
As the nurse sighs at my lack of reaction and starts for the door, it swings inward. Anne steps in. "I'm sorry, ma'am,but—"
"I'll only be a moment," Anne says. The soft tone in her voice makes my back stiffen. She smiles sweetly at my nurse. "I just want to make sure my daughter is comfortable before I leave." The nurse falls for it, nodding to Anne – who looks like more of an upstanding citizen, I’m sure, than Tax – and quietly scoots out of the room, leaving me alone in the presence of a snake indisguise.
“What do you want?” I say as Anne stops at the end of the bed. I shift over, feeling vulnerable and hating myself for the emotion. I glare at her, waiting for her vile tongue to start spitting her hatred atme.
Anne doesn’t say anything for a long time, though. She just stands there, looking at me, inspecting me like I’m some sort of insect. And I can’t let it go anymore. It’s not completely her fault that I feel so goddamn worthless. A lot of it is because of me – how I perceive myself. But she didn’t fucking help. Not like she should have. I have to ask. I’m almost afraid of her answer, but Tax –Tax has made me stronger than I was. Though, maybe I’m not as strong as I feel now – there’s really no reason I should feel strong. I just tried to – I almost made a huge fucking mistake. It feels right, though, that he was the one to save me. Maybe he was always meant to. And that’s the belief that gives me strengthnow.
I tilt my head to the side and examine her as she stares at me. “Why do you hate me?” Iask.
