Page 75 of Expressionate
Anne’s cold eyes meet mine and she slowly shakes her head. “It always has to be about you, doesn’t it, Love?” She chuckles, the sound foreign and odd. “It was always aboutyou.”
I don’t understand. “What do youmean?”
“You think everything I’ve done has been out of hate?” she asks. “All I did was take care of you the way your mother neverdid.”
She moves, shuffling her feet as though she can’t keep still. She paces, but not back and forth. Her legs carry her this way and that, almost a circle but it never quite meets or ends. She passes next to the window and then back to thebed.
“Your father is my soulmate,” she says, “he was the first and only man to ever truly care for me. He took me out of the shithole I lived in. He was the perfect man. Much better than any of my previous indiscretions.” She pauses in her movement to look at me with a sneer. “It was so unfortunate that he had a little unwanted baggage attached by the time I camealong.”
“So, why didn’t you send me to boarding school or something?” Iask.
She scoffs. “At first, we didn’t have the money. Believe me, had I been able to, I would have shipped you off at the first opportunity.” I don’t flinch when she says it. I expected as much, but still, it makes my stomach churn to hear her say it sobluntly.
“I had eight miscarriages before I met your father, did you know that?” My mouth parts. No, I hadn’tknown.
She nods. “Yes,” she says. Her eyes go to the window, her gaze growing distant. She continues talking, but it’s less sharp, less biting. “Do you know what that does to a woman?” sheasks.
I can’t possibly imagine. I shake my head, sliding my feet over, feeling like I need to stand. “No,” I say as my feet touch the cool tile and Irise.
“None of the children were planned, but that didn’t make any of them unwanted. Still, though, they died. The first one wasn’t easy. In fact, I think it may have been the hardest. After so many, they all sort of ran together in my head. But I remember that first one quite clearly. I always wanted to be a mother and when I lost my precious baby boy, itwreckedme.”
Anne’s eyes turn on me so sharply, I almost take a step back and fall back on the bed. Instead, my legs hit it and a hand goes out, stopping on the mattress. The floor under my bare feet is cold and the smell of disinfectant permeates the room. Lysol. Bleach. Clean and yet, so dirty. Animosity moves across her face like a slitheringserpent.
“Wreckedme,” Anne repeats, her voice is shrill and her eyes wild. But I know she needs to get this out. I feel like it’s building to something. Something that I’m a partof.
“I couldn’t stop wondering what I did wrong. Did I not eat enough? Not sleep enough? Sleep too much? What could I have changed or not changed to save my son’s life? Then, afterward, no matter how careful I was, I always lostthem.”
I frown, moving away from the bed as Anne touches her stomach. I hesitate for a moment, before I move around her towards the window. My legs feel weak. I have to use the bed for support for most of the way. She watches mego.
“The doctor’s said it had something to do with the shape of my uterus that made it difficult to carry to term.” Anne’s hands touch her abdomen through her clothes, her eyes wistful and filled with such a deep, agonizing pain. “Then I met David. Trisha was born, my miracle baby. The only baby I had that lived. I knew then that David was the one for me. It was because of him that she survived unlike the rest. But, then there wasyou.”
The fire burning in her irises blooms like a raging volcanic eruption just waiting to be released. She takes a step towards me. “Your mother had it easy. She had children left and right – your father told me. He didn’t know their names, where they were, or who they were left with. Before you, she had plenty of children. They were all taken from her in some way or another. But you weren’t, and she left you anyway. That was when I knew there was something very wrong about you. What mother would leave her child? You had to be damaged in someway.”
My throat closes. I want to tell her that I’m not damaged, but it would be a lie. Because now, after years with her, and then Danny, Iamdamaged. I’m so damaged that I almost killedmyself.
A shock rockets through me. The reality of what I almost accomplished. A taboo. It makes me sick. That acrid taste isback.
“I didn’t want you ruiningmydaughter,” Anne continues, her tone high and thin. “You were soiled – broken. I didn’t want you anywhere near her. But David didn’t understand. He wouldn’t just leave you, ship you off, find a family member to take you in. You werehisdaughter.” She spits the word as though it’s bile on her tongue. “You weren’tmine.”
Anne steps up to me, close enough to touch, but I’m not thinking about that. I have to control myself. I inhale and hold for several moments before I release my breath in a rush of air and a question. “That’s why you treated me soharshly?”
Anne is so close to me now that when she laughs, spittle flies out of her mouth and it hits my face. “Harshly?” She says the word as though it is absurd. “I waskindto you. You lived in the same room as my Trisha, my daughter. And when you left, oh, I was overjoyed. I was so happy that you left, but I’m still a mother after all.” She scowls at me. “You weren’t mine, but I had to make sure you would be taken care of. Idolove your father, after all. So, I found you aman.”
My lips part in shock. “What?” I couldn’t have heard herright.
“Yes,” she insists, “I was very good to you. He sheltered you and fed you and clothed you, didn’t he? I taught you a valuable lesson, Love. You can’t get by in this world without a man to protectyou.”
My brows lower. I tilt my head back and at an angle. “What are you talking about?” The words she’s saying don’t make anysense.
“You really don’t know, do you? He never told you?” Before I can answer, she laughs. It slaps the walls of the room and hurts myears.
“Danny!” she finally manages to scream, more spit hitting my cheek. I wipe it away with shaky fingers. She laughs. “I knew him from before I met your father. Danny was—” she cuts herself off, grimacing. My skin begins to tingle as horror dawns. “Well, he was one of those discretions of mine. I told him exactly where you would be when you ran away. Showed him your picture and told him if he was interested to give it a go.” Anne finally calms down, her laughter trickling off while my entire body feels frozen. “And you acted beautifully. You did exactly as you should have. I think I would have preferred if you had gotten married first, but I know how Danny can be. The only commitment he’s good for is a dick up the ass on occasion or his love forbeer.”
Needle sharp pins prick at my skin. Down my arms. Over my shoulders. I can’t seem to get enough oxygen into my throat. “Yousent Danny to me.” It’s not a question, but she treats it asone.
“Yes, of course.” And she knew, I realize. She knew what he would do to me. I still remember the day quite clearly…the first day of the three most painful and shame filled years of mylife.
(16 yearsold)
