Page 129 of Saint Céline
The message was sent before I could decide whether it was insane.
For almost a full minute, I got nothing back. Then the dots appeared.
Vincent:What happened?
I stared at those two words until rage steadied me.
Céline:Answer the question.
The dots appeared again. Disappeared.
Vincent:No.
I wanted to believe him. That was humiliating.
Céline:He called me. We don’t… have a good relationship.
This time, Vincent answered immediately.
Vincent:Where are you?
Céline:Dorm.
Vincent:Lock your door, my love.
I looked at the lock. Already done. The fact that he knew what I would do, what I should do, made something hot and furious rise behind my eyes.
Céline:Don’t tell me what to do.
Vincent:Lock it anyway.
I almost threw the phone again. Then another message came.
Vincent:Is Sophia there?
I looked toward the wall. From the living room, I could hear faint music and Anya’s voice saying something about the ethics of oat milk. Sophia laughed softly in reply. They were ten feet away. Safe. Mine. And somehow impossible to reach. Because if I told them, this became real. If I said my father’s name aloud, he entered the apartment fully. He became part of the air. Part of the furniture. Part of the lives I had tried so hard to keep separate from him.
Céline:Yes.
Vincent:Tell her.
Céline:No.
Vincent:Céline.
Céline:Don’t. Please.
The word looked small on the screen. Not enough for everything I meant. Do not order me. Do not make this yours. Do not turn my fear into another room where you are waiting.
His reply took longer this time.
Vincent:Then come here.
I closed my eyes. There it was. The door. The one he had been trying to open since before I knew it existed. For one second, I imagined it. His apartment above the cliffs. Tall windows. Heavy locks. Quiet rooms. A man more dangerous than the one I feared. Miss Astoria sitting in the window like an offended duchess. My laptop open on his table. Vincent watching me with that terrible calm as if my panic were something he could hold still simply by willing it. Safety with teeth. A prettier cage.
No.
I opened my eyes.
