Page 49 of Truth and Temptation
I miss Paige.
“You would’ve liked her, Ry. She’s quirky, fucking genius-level smart, curious, kind, insightful — damn, she reads me like a book. Just like you used to. I know you’d tell me to pull my head outta my ass and go and apologize, but I can’t. I can’t keep her, only to lose her. You don’t know.” My voice breaks as I choke on a cry. “You don’t know how hard it was to lose you. You were the other half of me, and I lost you. I can’t lose her the same way.”
The drizzling rain turns heavier, and in minutes, my face is wet with more than just the evidence of my grief.
“I screwed everything up, brother. And now there’s no way out. I wish you were here to tell me how to fix this, fix me. Because I’ve been broken ever since you left. And the one chance I had to maybe change that, I threw it away because I’m so fucking scared of breaking even more.”
Saying the truth out loud, admitting it to myself and to Ryder should feel like a release of some sort, shouldn’t it? I’ve never acknowledged it so fully before. But it doesn’t. It feels hollow — too little, too late. It doesn’t take a genius to recognize I walked away from Paige out of fear, just like it doesn’t take a genius to know I’m being a cowardly fool by letting that fear rule my life. But just like the guilt I let dictate my work life, this fear has assumed full control of my personal life. And it holds that control with a choke hold.
Time passes, as it always does. Eventually, my fingers are numb, and I can’t stop shivering. Reluctantly, I stand, and looking straight out at the ocean, I lift the flask to the sky one last time.
“Cheers, Ry. I miss you.”
After I take one long, final drink, I tuck the nearly empty flask in my coat pocket and head up the beach to the sidewalk that leads to my apartment. Tomorrow I’ll head back to Dogwood Cove and pack up the things I left at the house before going to Toronto for a week or so to deal with things out there. After that, I have no clue what I’ll do. Back to Vancouver, back to work, I suppose. Back to the life that was never meant to be mine.
It was a mistake to drive down Main Street. I knew it as soon as I turned off the highway. I should have taken the back roads to get to my parents’ house. Get in, grab my stuff, get out. But for some fucked-up reason, I decided to torture myself with driving through the town center of Dogwood Cove and have my face rubbed in the life that could have been, if I was anyone but me.
The gazebo. What town has as fucking gazebo? Dogwood Cove does. And I can’t lie, I pictured kissing Paige there. Cheesy as fuck, but I wanted to.
Sweet Scoops, the ice cream place Paige told me about a week or so ago. She said that in the summer, the lineup on Thursdays is around the block because the owner releases specialty flavours. Her favourite was a caramel pecan praline that sounded delicious.
The Nutty Muffin. The place I first laid eyes on Paige. I can’t believe how quickly I dismissed her. To think, if I hadn’t gone next door to her store, I never would have fallen in love with her.
Maybe then I wouldn’t feel like such a pile of fucking shit. I keep my eyes forward as I drive past Pages. I don’t want to see her. I can’t see her.
When I finally pull into the driveway at the house, I sit in the car with my eyes closed for several minutes. I’ve made a mess of everything, there’s no denying it. I’m living a life I fucking hate. And there’s no way out.
All I can do is pack up, go home, and continue life as Wyatt Crawford, the twin who lived. The twin who has to do every fucking thing possible to live up to his brother. Fill the shoes that are impossible to fill.
Slowly, I climb out of the car and walk to the front door. Inside, I head to the bedroom and start throwing clothes into my suitcase haphazardly. I’m almost done when there’s a knock at the door. No one knows I’m here, so I ignore it. But then I hear the door open, and the one voice I didn’t want to hear calls my name.
“Wyatt? Please come and talk to me.” She’s trying to sound strong, but I hear the pain in every word. Knowing I caused that pain? Well, let’s just say I feel it in my own heart tenfold.
Making my way out of the en suite, I try to mentally prepare myself for seeing her. But nothing can prevent the gut punch I feel at seeing Paige standing in front of me. So close, yet so fucking far. She’s wearing leggings and an oversized sweater. Her hair is up in one of her messy buns, and she looks miserable, just as I’m sure I do. I stand frozen as she hugs her arms around her middle. The action makes her look small, vulnerable, and I want to pull her into my arms and protect her, build her up, tell her how strong she is.
But she isn’t strong. Her body is frail. It could fail at any time.
I could lose her. And that’s why I won’t take another step. Better to push her away now, before we get any closer.
That’s a fucking joke. I love her. Can’t get much closer than that.
“Your parents were here looking for you.”
Of all the things I thought she would say, that isn’t even on the list. I rub my chin as I try to figure out what to say to her, but she beats me to it.
“They were worried about you. We all were. Especially when they told me about yesterday. Why didn’t you tell me it was Ryder’s anniversary? I would have been there for you.”
The heartbreak in her voice goads me into action, and I head into the kitchen, grabbing my water bottle off the counter and then stomping into the living room to drop it into a bag I have on the couch. “I didn’t want you there. I didn’t want anyone.” I continue my slow walk through the open space of the house, gathering the few things I had left around. Even though I refuse to look at her, I feel Paige. I feel her everywhere.
“Is that how you are choosing to live your life? Without anyone?”
Her question cuts me to the bone. She is the one person, aside from my brother, who could see through everything in an instant.
“It’s better that way.”
“Better for whom? Not for the people who care about you.”
I shake my head. “You don’t get it, Paige.”
