Page 39 of Serenading Reagan
He reached out for her, grief evident in his expression. When she didn’t lift a hand to connect with him, he dropped his into his lap.
“You do know me, Reagan. You know me better than anyone. Better than I know myself,” he said quietly.
“Please, Chase, just go. I need some time.” The tears were falling now, and Reagan dashed them away with her hand as she stood up off the bed and walked toward her front door. Chase followed her and slowly put his shoes on. When he was ready, he looked at her and she saw tears in his eyes as well. Only then did she reach out, unable to resist touching him one more time. She ran her fingers down his face, wiping away his tears, then slowly pressed her lips to his gently. In her heart, she felt so confused, so overwhelmed with everything that had happened over the last two days that she needed that connection to try and ground herself.
“I’ll call you,” she said brokenly.
“I love you, Red, that hasn’t changed and never will. I love you so damn much.” Chase reached a hand up to cup her face cautiously as if he wasn’t sure if she would turn away. She didn’t, and let him caress her, turning her face in to his hand.
“I know you do.” Was all she could force out between her tears. That much was true. She didn’t doubt his love.
“Call me, babe. Please, call me. I’ll come over any time you need me to, to talk or whatever. I promise there are no more secrets. Anything you want to know, I’ll tell you.”
He sounded desperate now, as if leaving her would destroy him. Still, Reagan needed him to go, so she slowly took a step back, causing his hand to drop to his side. He looked at her and nodded before he walked out the door. She didn’t wait to see if he turned around, no, Reagan needed to let her tears fall freely, so she closed the door, sank down to the ground, and sobbed.
Chapter 18
After a fitful night of tossing and turning in her bed, Reagan was exhausted and no less clear in her mind about everything. She had realized one thing, which was that her emotions last night were only partially because of what Chase had revealed. The stress from dealing with her situation at work, combined with the uncertainty of her future career plans had also added to her feeling so utterly overwhelmed.
She needed help to sort through how she felt about Chase’s admission, so after sending a text to Callie, Anna, and Melanie, she hit the kitchen.You can fix a lot of things with a good brownie…Chase’s words came back to her and she smiled wistfully. He was right, she hoped.
Several hours later, the girls arrived. Callie and Melanie had worked the night shift and still looked tired, as well as confused as to why she had sent the SOS text message, so Reagan quickly handed them cups of tea and coffee, respectively. Anna had clearly been filled in by Ryan, because all she did was hug Reagan and sit down on the couch.
Once her friends were all seated in her living room and looking at her expectantly, Reagan began to explain everything. All her confusion, worry and fear poured out of her as she told her closest friends what Chase had revealed to her.
“I’m just so confused,” she said after finishing. “Part of me says he’s still the man I love. Then the other part of me is so hurt that he didn’t tell me sooner, and terrified that I’m going to lose him.”
It was Melanie who spoke first. “Why the hell would you lose him? I get that you are upset that he lied, but come on, girl, you’re dating a ROCK STAR. Like a real rock star.”
Callie put her hand up to interject. “Yeah, Mel, maybe you would be excited by that, but I know Reagan.” She turned to her best friend and said, “I’m guessing you’re freaking out that he’s going to go back to New York or something, aren’t you?”
Reagan shifted uncomfortably on the couch. “Among other things, yes. What if this record producer guy has some offer that Chase can’t refuse? I would be the worst girlfriend in the world if I stood in his way. Maybe this is his second chance at his dream, without the drama of the old band and all of the problems they had.”
“I think you’re making a lot of assumptions, Reags,” Callie said gently. The other ladies nodded in agreement. “Who says he wants to go to New York, or anywhere for that matter? Did you ask Chase how he feels about everything? Or did you get so hung up on him not telling the truth about his past that you didn’t bother to stick around and hear him out on how he feels?”
“Or if he has even figured that out himself,” Anna piped up.
Melanie nodded thoughtfully. “Yeah, I mean this is a huge deal for him as well. He is probably freaking out right now, about your reaction and about what all of this could mean for his music career. And, because you asked him to leave, he’s got no one to talk it all through with. My marriage was a big pile of steaming horse shit, but the one thing I do remember is that a relationship only works if you communicate with each other when stuff gets tough.”
Reagan tried her best to think about it from that perspective. She had to admit, she had been so worked up over the secret Chase had kept from her, that she hadn’t even stopped to think about how he may be feeling about being found out by the record producer. She hated the fact that he had not told her the truth earlier on in their relationship, but now, having heard his story, she was starting to realize how scary it might have been to share the details of his past. And to have the control over revealing his story taken out of his hands, probably had thrown Chase into quite the tailspin.
“Oh god, I kicked him out when all he needed was for me to listen.” Reagan closed her eyes and leaned back into the seat of her couch, feeling her heart fill with dread. “What have I done?”
“Nothing that can’t be fixed,” Callie replied matter-of-factly. “You just need to go to him, Reags. Go to him, be open about how you feel, but this time, hear him out. Let him tell you how HE feels, then talk about it all.”
“You make it sound so simple,” Reagan moaned.
“Not simple, but totally worth it for the man you love.” Callie’s words were honest and heartfelt, and hit Reagan right where they needed to—her heart.
* * *
Chase was exhausted. After coming home from Reagan’s apartment last night, he’d been unable to sleep. A five-mile run hadn’t even taken the edge off, neither had the shots of whiskey he had pounded back to try and dull the pain in his chest. Instead, the guilt of turning to alcohol made him feel worse when it reminded him of how many black-out drunk nights he had wasted years ago.
He had expected Reagan to be upset by his past, but when she asked him to leave, he was certain his heart exploded into a million pieces. The worst part was, as much as he wanted to be upset that she had abandoned him when he was feeling so raw and vulnerable, he couldn’t even fault her for it. He knew he had dropped a grenade in her lap, by revealing who he was and what he had done in his past, but also by telling her about Richie.
God, Richie. Chase had no idea what he was going to do about that situation. On the one hand, it was tempting to think about going back to performing on a larger scale and recording a new album, this time with the benefit of maturity on his side. Yet what would that mean for his relationship? For his life in Portland? He had taken Richie’s card home with him, and against his better judgement had checked the guy out. He seemed legit, worked as an indie music producer for a big-name label with offices in LA and New York. Music would always be a part of Chase; it was in his soul. He needed to play, to perform, as much as he needed to breathe air to survive. Would playing at The Lucky Strike be enough for him for the rest of his life? He honestly didn’t know how to answer that.
Forty-eight hours later, he was going insane. He hadn’t heard from Reagan, or anyone else, and for all he knew he had lost them all. In an effort to distract himself, Chase had tried everything from attempting to write songs and playing his guitar, but nothing sounded right. His apartment was spotless, laundry all done, and he’d even gone for another run, yet still his mind churned.
