Page 38 of Serenading Reagan
Jake frowned. “But why the hell didn’t you tell us? What’s with the fake name? Does Reagan know?” He fired questions at Chase one after another.
“I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want to get into what a fucking mess I used to be. It’s not a fake name, my whole name is and always has been Chase Thomas McCormick, and no, Reagan doesn’t know anything.” He could hear the regret in his voice as he answered, especially on that last part. Why the hell had he not come clean earlier? Now he had to face his friends, face Reagan, and tell them all he had lied about who he was. A lie of omission sure, but still a lie.
“Look, I heard the rumors about Black Star’s break up, so I can make some guesses about what you didn’t want to tell us. But you need to know something. None of that shit changes the fact that you are meant to be our friend and you should have said something.” Jake’s voice held a hint of hurt in it, and Chase hated that he had done that. But it was what Jake said next that sent his heart plummeting. “We guys will get over it. No harm done and now we get to say we know a famous musician. Whatever happened in your past, is in your past. It’s Reagan who really deserved to know. You guys are meant to be in love and the last time I checked, love doesn’t mean hiding who you were from each other.”
Ryan had been fairly quiet up until now, but even he had something to say. “We told you that day at the gym that if you hurt her, we would have to hurt you. Please don’t make me fulfill that promise, I don’t want to be the guy who punches a rock star.”
Chase cringed at those last two words.
“I know, guys, I screwed up. I have to tell her, and I will, tonight.”
* * *
When Chase drove them home that night, Reagan knew something was wrong. He had been distant all evening, ever since his performance. She had noticed how he kept looking over to the bar instead of her throughout his set, but for the life of her she couldn’t figure out why. Then when he had finished singing, instead of coming to see Reagan, he’d gone straight to the bar and spoken to some man who was sitting there. From what little Reagan could see, the conversation had not looked like an enjoyable one. However, when Chase finally made it over to the booth that Reagan and Anna were sitting in, he didn’t say a word to her about the man or the conversation. Not wanting to get into it in front of Anna, Reagan had said nothing. But now, as they pulled into the parking lot of her building, she wondered what the hell was going on and when Chase would fill her in.If he fills me in…she thought, distractedly, realizing that maybe Chase didn’t want to tell her. Maybe whatever had happened tonight was causing him to second guess their relationship. Suddenly she felt sick to her stomach.
“Chase, I…”
“Reagan…”
They both spoke at the same time then broke off with an uncomfortable laugh. Reagan gestured at him to go first, anxious to hear what he would say.
“Red, I need to tell you some stuff about my life before I came to Portland.” Chase’s voice was rough, on edge, and it filled Reagan with trepidation. What could he possibly have to say that would make him so apprehensive?
“Okay, so tell me,” she replied, hating the nerves in her voice.
Chase leaned his head back against the car seat. His eyes closed shut and his hands were frozen in place on the steering wheel. When he spoke again, the words were strained. “Can we go inside? Can I be selfish and just ask to hold you first?”
Reagan felt her heart speed up. This time it was not in a cute, romantic way. No, this was more a pounding filled with dread.
“We can, but I have to say you’re kind of freaking me out, Chase.”
He opened his eyes and looked at her, and his gaze was so full of nervous emotion, her desperation only grew. “I’m sorry, babe, don’t be scared. Please, just hear me out.”
Reagan nodded. What else was there to do? She loved him too much to walk away without knowing what it was he’d been hiding.
Slowly and without another word spoken they walked into her building, rode the elevator to her floor and went inside her apartment. Once inside, Reagan walked around, turning on some small lamps and closing her living room drapes. The room felt warm, cozy even. The comfortable atmosphere seemed so at odds with the turmoil inside of her heart and mind, she almost laughed at the absurdity. Twenty-four hours ago, they had been at the pub, celebrating with their friends over the fact that Reagan was planning to quit her job and open a bakery. She had asked Chase to give her space last night, so that she could prepare for the situation at work. Now she regretted that choice as she faced the reality that, depending on what Chase told her, she may not have another chance to make love to him, to wake up with him. As Chase muttered something about needing some water and wandered into the kitchen, Reagan sat down on the couch. She wrapped her arms around her legs and tried to rationalize with herself. It was entirely possible that she was overreacting about everything.Maybe it’s not that bad… Maybe the guy was a debt collector or a lawyer? But why would Chase be talking to a lawyer… Oh god.Reagan shook herself out of the crazy spiral her thoughts were taking. There was nothing to do but wait for him to explain.
Chase walked over to stand in front of her and wordlessly held his hand out to her. She took it and let him pull her up and lead her into the bedroom. There was nothing romantic about his movements, almost a resigned sorrow as he sat down on the bed and gently tugged her into his arms. She went willingly, clinging to whatever physical comfort she could find from him. He had become her safe place, and she was terrified to lose that.
After a few moments simply holding one another, Chase began to speak. His voice cracked, but there was a detached quality to it. He was telling the story as if it did not really belong to him but to someone else instead.
“My full name is Chase Thomas McCormick. I am the Chase you know, the man who loves you. I’m also Chase Thomas, drummer for the rock band Black Star. A few years ago, we were at the height of our popularity. I was deeply entrenched in the music scene, surrounded by musicians, fans, booze, and drugs. I was a user. I used alcohol, drugs, women, you name it. We all did. We were idiots, foolish kids who got in over our heads and didn’t have the sense to get out until it was too fucking late. I played with the band for over fifteen years. At first, when we’d just graduated high school it was underground bars and parties where we could sneak in with fake ID. Then when I was twenty-three, we got ‘discovered.’ The label gave us a manager, Ron, who tried to help us take things seriously. It didn’t help; by the time he came along we were high on fame. Even as the drummer, always in the background, I still had my share of groupies hanging off me. At every party there was someone with something to smoke, something to shoot, someone to fuck. It was heaven and it was hell.”
Chase stopped for a moment, staring straight ahead at the wall. His arms were tightly banded around Reagan’s stomach, as if he were desperately trying to keep her with him. He needn’t have bothered, as she couldn’t have moved even if she wanted to. Reagan was frozen in place, paralyzed by shock at what he had just revealed. She knew of Black Star, everyone did. Their music had been played at every bar across the country, some of her friends in college had even gone to a concert years ago. She remembered hearing their reputation as bad boys, seeing the stories in magazines about drugs and trouble with the police. Try as she might, Reagan just couldn’t reconcile the romantic, sweet, and soulful man she knew with a hard-core drummer into sex, drugs and rock and roll. Before she could formulate a response of any kind, Chase continued.
“We were out of control, Reags, and that’s putting it mildly. Even when our bassist got arrested, or our parties were broken up by the cops, we didn’t stop. We thought we were invincible. Rock gods and all. Then, one day, Bryant didn’t show up for rehearsal. At first, we figured he was sleeping off a hangover somewhere. Then Ron showed up and told us he’d been called by the police. B was found at some dealer’s house, dead. He had OD’d on something, who the fuck knows what. The point is it was all over. No Bryant, no Black Star. I have no idea what the other guys did, but the next day I packed up my shit and left. Just got in my car with my guitar and my favorite drumsticks and started driving. Eventually I ended up here, and the rest you know.”
He looked at Reagan now, earnestly searching her eyes trying to see a response.
“I never meant to lie to you, Red. Honestly, when I got here, I just wanted to pretend the old Chase never existed. The last thing I ever expected was to fall so deeply in love like I did with you. Then when we started getting close, I knew I had to tell you. I just didn’t know how the fuck to do that. That guy tonight, was a label executive. He figured out who I am and wants to talk about signing me. Jake and Ryan overheard us talking so now they know as well. I’m so fucking sorry, Reagan. God, I hope you believe me. I am so sorry.”
His voice broke on that last sentence and Reagan’s heart cracked right along with it. She never would have guessed that this was his deep secret. Now the question was, how did she feel about it all? Slowly she pulled herself out of his arms, simultaneously hating and appreciating that he let her go. She turned herself around so that she sat facing him and examined his face. Knowing who he was, she could see it now. She could imagine her beautiful, sexy, tattooed boyfriend up on stage rocking a stadium filled with fans. What she still couldn’t imagine was her sweet and romantic boyfriend partying, doing drugs, and breaking the law.
“I don’t know what to say,” she began, hesitantly. He needed her to reply, she knew that much, but she truly had no clue how to respond. “This is a lot, Chase. Like a LOT a lot. I mean, I had no idea who you really are and that hurts. I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that it kills me to know you hid yourself from me.”
Now her shock was wearing off and was being replaced with pain and anger. “I have been so vulnerable with you, so open and honest about myself and my flaws, and all along you were hiding who you are. It’s not like it would have changed my feelings, I’d still have fallen in love with you, but at least I’d have known WHO I was falling in love with. Now, I feel like I don’t know you at all.” Reagan felt tears forming in her eyes and knew she needed to get away from him. She needed time to process all of this.
“Chase, I need you to go.”
