Page 73 of Scrubbing In
I tell her all that, confessing everything that has been on my mind. Stuttering and tripping over the words as they explode out of me. Finally ending with, “And that’s what has me torn! I understand the desire to keep something so personal private because that has been me with my relationship with Julian.”
I honestly didn’t know or trust what was happening between us, but I couldn’t resist the pull to him. So I needed it to be privy to as few people as possible while I wrapped my head around it all.
All I’ve been able to do is wonder if it is the same situation with Jace and Quinn? Or is something else entirely going on between them?
“Was I wrong not to tell him? Shouldn’t my loyalty be to him?” My chin wobbles as I look at her, a painful thickness in my throat that is difficult to swallow around.
“Well . . .” Charlie lets out a long sigh as she looks across the room with a thoughtful expression. “To me, this isn’t really about loyalty. It’s about respecting boundaries and choices thataren’t yours to make. I feel it’s up to them to decide if they want Julian to know about what’s going on between them.”
“Yeah, I guess.” I let my words trail off, and now I’m the one looking thoughtful.
Then my arms clutch my rolling stomach as I think about the other source of my overwhelming anxiety. Weighing my words, I look at Charlie. “I’m going to tell you something that has to stay between us.”
She nods her head solemnly. “Of course.”
Instead of telling her, I decide to show her the email that had been forwarded to me this afternoon from my boss that had come in shortly after Julian’s alarming text—as Dr. Jacobs, a.k.a. not my boyfriend. In it, I had been told my attendance was expected at a meeting scheduled tomorrow as I’ve been dealing with Devin’s ongoing performance issues.
Charlie’s gaze flits to mine then back down, eyes bouncing across the words again. “What do you think happened that he requested an urgent meeting with upper management?” she questions, brows drawn together.
Shaking my head, I think back on when Julian came home Sunday night. I’d chalked up his brooding mood to my continued silence. Now, however, I have no idea what to think. I just shrug my shoulders, sag back against the couch, and stare vacantly at the overhead light.
The fact that I asked Julian to stay away tonight only amps up my full-blown emotional turbulence.
Charlie tries to encourage me to eat, but I refuse. My stomach is too upset, tied up in knots. The only outlet for the chaotic tornado of emotions is to pick my cuticles and lips to shreds.
Baffled and unsure how to proceed, she sits with me initall evening, contributing by slapping my hands away from my mouth in a bid to save me from drawing blood. She’s only partially successful.
The AIC findsme blinking rapidly to distribute eye drops the next morning.
“Hey-o, Lee-na,” Benny sing-songs, startling me.
I grunt as I work the drops into my other scratchy eye. Tears and lack of sleep are punishing me this morning.
“Whoa there, Miss Congeniality.”
Pulling up my staffing sheet for the day, I tap my pen on the desk, and stare at him with a bland look.
“Sorry. Let’s talk about the board. I don’t wanna walk away with any scratches.”
I roll my eyes but otherwise ignore his comment. We do the usual song and dance of going over the day’s schedule and possible alternatives if needed.
“Sooo,” he drawls. “What really happen?—”
“No,” I say firmly, shutting him down. “We’ve discussed the board. There is nothing else we need to talk about.”
“Rrrrow. I like a feisty kitty.”
“Benny!” I hiss loudly.
With hands raised, he thankfully leaves. I don’t need him lingering around while I’m stressing over seeing Julian later for the meeting he requested. When my manager asked me what was going on, I told her I had suspicions Devin has hung herself out to dry for the last time, but I didn’t have any details.
It’s an endeavor to make it through the morning. I’m able to focus on each task, but in between I struggle to stay on track. Fortunately, we aren’t short-staffed today and I’m able to hand over charge duties to Joanne.
When she told me about Julian’s apology, I wasn’t really surprised. He is one of the most considerate and respectful people I know. His emotional astuteness is one of the things I love about him. It was his outburst that shocked me. And this morning, I’m even more concerned by it—that really isn’t who he is. He is calm and patience personified. The way he treats me is proof of that.
Being apart last night was needed for me to process everything, but I still missed him like crazy. Besides being upset, I know I didn’t sleep well because he wasn’t next to me. The space has given me clarity, but I also wish the next time I see him would be in private so we could talk. Alas, luck is not on my side.
Pausing outside of my manager’s office, I take a moment to compose myself. This will be a big test about maintaining the boundary between personal and professional. With a deep breath, I knock and enter.
