Page 117 of Handsome Devil
The guys must’ve been somewhere below, on the main patio or the beach. There was an infinity pool down there, another hot tub, a bar. So we’d been told. And every once in a while I could hear men talking, laughing, their voices carrying on the breeze off the ocean.
Sometimes, I heard Dane’s low voice, and the breeze across my skin gave me shivers.
Sounded like they were having a good time.
We didn’t join them.
While I relaxed in the hot tub in my bikini, Katie put on one of my playlists and did a little dance and lip-sync performance for me to Fifth Harmony, “Worth It,” making me laugh.
She was trying to take my mind off what was happening tomorrow, probably. And maybe make sure that I was happy.
Then she slept with me in the giant bed. Katie had her own hut, but I asked her to stay. I didn’t want to be alone tonight.
Dane had volunteered to sleep in one of the guest huts tonight, but he’d straight-up told me that, as my husband, he’d be staying up here with me after the wedding tomorrow.
I didn’t actually feel nervous about that until I lay in the dark, looking out at the moon in that blue-black sky, feeling really far away from home.
This was all happening really fucking fast.
I wanted this, though, right? I wanted my agency.
And yes, the fact was, I wanted some currency with that man. I wanted power over him, in some small way.
I liked having something he wanted. Even if he didn’t really wantme.
I rolled over and spooned up to Katie, wrapping my arm around her waist over the sheet.
“If this is a huge mistake,” I whispered, “you have to catch me when I fall.”
Katie stirred slowly. Maybe I’d woken her up. I wondered if she’d heard me.
She reached her arm out of the sheet and laid it over mine. She squeezed my hand.
“Always,” she said.
“I’m scared,” I whispered.
She twisted around so she could see me. “Then don’t do this.”
“I want to do this.”
“Ugh,” she said softly.
“I know,” I said. “This is a risk. But I’m not afraid of taking risks in business. Calculated, well-thought-out risks. Risk versus reward, right? That’s what this is.” This time, I sounded like I was convincing myself.
“You’re sure that’s all this is?” she asked me, once again.
“Yes.”
She was silent for a bit and so was I.
Then I broke the silence. “I can’t believe I’m marrying someone I haven’t even kissed yet. I mean, other than that stupid kiss in high school.”
“I know.”
“I never thought I’d save myself for marriage.”
Katie snickered. “I mean, you’re not a virgin. And I’ve seen you kiss guys. You’re a good kisser. I can tell. If you ask me, he’s getting a pretty sweet deal.”
