Page 125 of Dirty Like Seth
“I’m… so sorry about that,” she said, and I believed her. “I didn’t know Brody hit you. But… you didn’t fight back.” She gazed up at me searchingly, gently shaking her head. “I kind of wished you had. I mean, not fought Brody, just… fought to stay with the band. Just a little.” She bit her lip and shrugged a little. “Maybe that would’ve helped me to accept, sooner, that you belong here as much as Ido.”
I rocked back on my heels, stunned. I stared at her, but I couldn’t seem to formulate aresponse.
You belong here as much as Ido…
“I hear… you’ve been playing with Elle?” she askedme.
“Yeah.”
“And… you’re seeing her? Maggie kind ofmentioned…”
“I love her,” I said. It just cameout.
It was thetruth.
Tears gleamed suddenly in Jessa’s eyes. They looked like happy tears. “I’m happy for you too, Seth.” Then she hugged me, so suddenly it surprisedme.
I put my arms around her, gently, as her belly pressed into me, surprisinglysolid.
When we drew apart, she laughed a little, sniffling. “Sorry. I don’t mean to cry. I was already a crier, and now thepregnancy…”
“It’s okay, Jessa.” I was hardly gonna judge. She was pregnant; hormones wereabound.
“I think I know what you mean about a perception change…” She laid her hands on her belly. “This baby has given me a lot of clarity.” She took a breath, then went on. “The thing was… facing you meant facing myself. My regrets. All the things I’d fucked up. I was afraid… Afraid that Brody would reject me, and I couldn’t handle that. I wanted to blame you for that, but it wasn’t you.” She bit her lip, considering. “I know I told you that it wasn’t my fault; your drug addiction, and how you got kicked out of the band… But I always felt partly toblame.”
“You’re not to blame, Jessa. You were never toblame.”
She blinked back the tears and her face lit up a little. “Then you have forgivenme.”
“Yeah,” I said, realizing it was true. “I guess Ihave.”
Maybe I’d told myself, over the years, that there was nothing to forgive her for. Maybe I’d wanted to believe that was true. But the truth was, I’d been angry with her, whether that was fair or not. And I didn’t want to be angryanymore.
She nodded, absorbing that. Then she said, “Care to escort a giant pregnant lady into church? I really need to sit down. My feet feel like they’re twice the size of myshoes.”
“I’d behonored.”
I gave her my elbow and she took hold, gently. I guided her up the steps to the church, past her driver, who watched us insilence.
When we walked into the church, Brody shot immediately to hisfeet.
Jessa’s hand dropped from my elbow, but everyone had already seen it. I looked straight up the aisle at Elle, sitting there in the center of thegroup.
“You shouldn’t be here.” Brody strode over to steer Jessa away from me. To my surprise, he was talking to Jessa, notme.
“Like hell I shouldn’t,” Jessa said. “Elle invitedme.”
“Brody,” Maggie said, “she needs to hear this.” Maggie took Jessa by the hand and drew her into a chair, fussing with her dress, helping her getcomfortable.
“Thank you. I’m fine,” Jessa said, as Brody joined in the fussing. He pulled a chair up right next to hers to sit. “Hear what?” she askedMaggie.
“I was just telling everyone,” Jude said, looking directly at me, “about how you hung out with Jessa back when she was sixteen, looked out for her, because I told youto.”
Jessa turned to look at me. Clearly, she had no idea about this. Maybe no one else knew either, until momentsago.
“That wasn’t why,” I said, as they all stared at me. My voice sounded small in the cavernous church. I was still standing near the entrance. But Elle was watching me, and I forced myself to walk up the aisle toward where they all sat, gathered loosely in front of the stage. The stage where I’d last played with Dirty. Where Brody broke my nose and called me arapist.
He was watching me, too. And maybe he wasn’t gonna break my nose again; not in front of Jessa. But I was pretty sure I could guess what he thought I was gonna saynext.
