Page 126 of Dirty Like Seth
“You think I’m gonna say it’s because I was in love with her,” I said. “I wasn’t.” I stood there in front of them all and told the truth. I could only hope they believed it. “Some biker had taken a liking to her. One of the Sinners. Really rough dude. And I was scared for her.” I sighed and decided to say it, as gently as I could. “I knew she was sniffing around for drugs. She’d been asking me for pot. And I knew this guy would’ve given it to her in a heartbeat.” Not only that, but who the fuck knew what else that guy would’ve given to her, done to her. “So I went to Jude, let him think it was hisidea.”
Jude crossed his tree-trunk arms over his chest. He didn’t like that; that I’d playedhim.
“Jude supplied me with pot,” I said. “With whatever I asked for. And I knew I could trust that. I stuck close to Jessa from then on. I gave her shit I knew was clean, and kept an eye onher.”
“You should’ve told me about that,” Jude said. “About the guy who was creeping onher.”
“Why?” I asked. “So the Kings could get involved? I figured the last thing she needed was more bikers taking notice of her. She wassixteen.”
No one said a thing for a longmoment.
“So… you stepped up to try to protect her, and never told anyone.” That was Maggie, making an attempt to keep the peace. “Even Jessa didn’t know.” She was standing next to Zane’s chair now, and poked him in theshoulder.
“You’re saying…” Zane put in, prompted by Maggie, “you were just trying to watch her back, the wholetime?”
“That’s how it started,” Isaid.
“Right,” Brody growled. “And that was a purely altruistic move on yourpart.”
“It was, at first. I never meant to end up in bed with her… but we were friends. I spent a lot of time with her. And I fell for her.” I looked Brody straight in the eye and said, “Can you blameme?”
Brody stood and took a few steps toward me. “Brody…” Jessa said, but he didn’t stop. He got close. Not exactly within swinging distance, but the dark look on his face put me on edge. My muscles tensed, adrenalin kicking in, as my body prepared for fight or flight. I felt Jude stirring, probably readying himself to launch if Brody attacked meagain.
“Yeah,” Brody said, his eyes locked on mine. “I can blameyou.”
I shook my head. “It didn’t matter, Brody. She was in love with you. We all knew that. I knew that. She told me right to my face, when I begged her to come back tome.”
Brody appeared totally unmoved. “And getting her hooked on pills didn’t botheryou?”
“It bothered me. But everyone I knew did drugs in some capacity. It was normal for me. I know how fucked up that is now. I didn’t know it then. I really thought I was protecting her. I never would’ve hurt her. And she wasn’t like me.” I looked over at Jessa. She was watching us, smoothing her hand slowly over her giant belly. “Even I could see that, no matter how fucked up I was. I knew she’d work her shit out, and she did. Or at least, she seemed to. She didn’t want the drugs anymore. She’d go through periods where she’d disappear and wouldn’t be partying, and she wouldn’t want to be around me. But then she’d come back.” I shook my head, remembering… “She always came back. And every time she did, I was so relieved, and so…disappointed.”
Jessa took a deep breath, but she didn’t sayanything.
“I kept waiting for her to realize she was too good for it. Too good for me.” I looked at Brody. He was still staring at me, hard, his clenched jaw ticking as he listened to me talk. “I wanted her to know it… And I wanted her to stay. ” I looked away, and my gaze collided with Jesse’s. Jessa’s brother hadn’t said a word yet. “Like I said, I was fuckedup.”
“So what happened?” Jesse asked me. And I couldn’t tell where his head was at. His dark eyes weren’t giving much away, but I knew he couldn’t be thrilled about anything he’d heard heretoday.
“She stopped coming back,” Isaid.
“And you fell down a fucking hole,” Zaneconcluded.
“Yeah,” I said. “Something likethat.”
“And you covered for him,” Jesse said, toJude.
“Fuck, yeah,” Jude said. “I covered his ass so the band wouldn’t know how bad his debts were. And in the end, when you all had enough with the drugs and started talking about cutting him loose, I encouraged that, so none of his shit with the clubs would ever come back on theband.”
“Jude took care of me,” I said, in his defense. “He got me into rehab a few times. But I always fucked it up. He helped me more than Ideserved.”
No one said a thing aboutthat.
“You know what’s really fucked up?” Elle spoke up, and we all looked over at her. She’d been sitting back, silent, just listening and watching us. Watching me. And my stomach twisted with dread. I had no idea how she was gonna feel about hearing all of this. “You’re all having a conversation about Jessa,” she said, “like she’s not even here. Just like you always did back then. News flash, guys:She’s not a little girlanymore.”
“Amen,” mutteredMaggie.
Then Elle stood up, and she faced Jessa. “Seth lost everything, but he tried to protect you. He was a friend to you. He cared about you. Don’t you have anything tosay?”
Jessa’s brown eyes went wide as she held herbelly.
