Page 36 of Out of Bounds
I lift my focus from Tanner’s words to her. “Sports psychotherapy,” I blurt.
“Go on.”
“Sports. And psychology.” Oh Lord, it’s so obvious I’m thinking on my feet but if the big man upstairs knows that, please throw me a lifeline here. I’ve been up all night with my baby, had a weekend full of respite kids at the ranch and— “Children. Parents. How do parents influence the mentality of professional athletes from early childhood?”
Thank you, Tanner.
Thank you, Nelson.
Thank you to my hippocampus for storing every dark thought about how I could ruin Nelson’s life by not having a daddy around for him.
“It’s a natural fit for you,” Professor Banks says, bringing me back to the room. “It’s important to have a genuine interest in your work and this is something you could really sink your teeth into.”
After the meeting, as I’m walking to find Daddy and Nelson, looking for Daddy’s rusty truck, I take out my phone to reply to Tanner. My day is looking up, once again, thanks to his unintentional help, and I don’t have to lie now to tell him something positive.
But I almost trip over my feet when the message on my screen has been replaced by a newer notification.
Auston
I’m flying to Texas in the morning. It’s my free day tomorrow. Where can I see you?
Tomorrow?Just like that?
Naturally, he expects I’ll be free to fall at his feet. But of course he knows I will because I always have. In temper at myself, I want to throw my phone across campus, but as I look up from Auston’s message, that familiar tightening of everything beneath my skin, I spot Daddy and Nelson, sitting on a park bench by the green.
My feelings about Auston aren’t the main priority if he’s going to do right by my child. I’ve got to see him, if only to find out what he has to say. To understand if there’s a chance he deserves to be in Nelson’s life. I need to peer into the whites of his eyes and decide if I believe hewantsto be a father.
16
ANNIE – LATE SEPTEMBER
I Can’t Do This
Betty is driving me all the way out to Austin-Bergstrom International Airport. I’ve had to call on the nanny to look afterme– albeit Nelson is sleeping in his seat in the back of her car – because I can’t tell anyone else that I’m headed to meet my ex. That he’s making the effort to fly into Texas for two hours before flying right back to Missouri.
I’m doing what I do when I’m nervous, talking incessantly, babbling. I’m being deceitful, which I’d pretend is uncharacteristic but when it comes to Auston, my worst traits surface. I’m trying my utmost to keep the conversation on Betty and her life – her grandbabies and kids, why she ever moved to Texas from Georgia, why she enjoys being a nanny. All the while, I’m tapping my boot in the footwell.
When we get to the airport, I tell Betty and Nelson, “You guys have fun at the park.” Then to Betty only, “I’ll message if it’s a good idea for you to bring Nelson to meet Auston.”
“Alright, hun. You stay strong now and if you want me to give you one of those prank calls like they do on a bad date in the movies, send a text.”
I chew my lip, nodding. I may well do that because, honestly, I’m not convinced it’s a good idea that I’m walking into the airport, looking for a six-foot two pro quarterback who may or may not have security around him. Who – I know from experience – will be wearing a sideline cap low across his face and large black shades, probably a very ordinary pair of jeans and a long-sleeve that hides the kind of muscles that give away his athleticism. I know because Auston has met me in secret multiple times.
I spot him sitting in the corner of a seafood bar and even while nausea rises to my throat, I clock his security guy sitting in the next booth. Auston has his head in his phone, those trademark tight curls and close shaved sides of his hair exactly as I remember them. I take a deep breath now because I know if I inhale deeply when I get in that booth with him, I’ll smell the scent that clouds my judgment – leather, cardamon, earth.
I forget for a second to hate him for what he’s done to Nelson and me.Me. Because he made clear from the beginning that he didn’t want me to go through with the pregnancy but he never, not one time, made clear that he had no real feelings for me beyond a convenient screw in college breaks.
“Would you like a table?” a waiter asks me, stealing my attention and bringing Auston’s from his phone to me.
“No, thank you. I’m meeting someone.” I gesture to the booth and beg my weak legs to carry me with any semblance of confidence to the table.
Auston doesn’t stand but he has the decency to turn his phone face down on the table and to sit back in his seat. “Hey.”
Hey.Ha. Simple as can be.Hey.
“That’s all you’ve got?” I ask, sliding onto the cold leather opposite him, his proximity like heat all over me.
It’s in stark contrast to his demeanor and this entire restaurant. If I’d known he’d choose the equivalent of an ice bar to meet me, I might have worn a sweater rather than this floaty dress.
