Page 26 of Out of Bounds
At the heart of it all, yes, I’m physically attracted to Pace; who wouldn’t be? I’ve thought him mighty fine since his first ever media shot for the Bears when I was at school. And yes, he’s really sort of awesome, a kind and pretty hilarious guy. But my immature tantrum, my stupid Lusty-Lou, and that version of me who has thrown herself at a guy before, that was fueled by temper. Rage that I’m still holding inside over Auston.
I’m unhinged. Guilty. As. Charged.
I’ve also been sitting in awkward silence in this now extremely dirty car, watching the storm pound off the windshield for too long without explaining myself.
So, I pull up my big girl panties that are unacceptably wet from practically gyrating against my brother’s teammate’s leg like a frisky dog.
“Tanner, when I was mad back there, it wasn’t with you. I’m sorry things got so, erm, heated.”
Sorry I behaved like a randy schoolgirl.
Another short silence that feels like hours because during it, I wonder what he thinks I mean byheat. OhLord.Shaking my head to rid myself of the embarrassment dripping from it, I stutter, “The– St– When I, you know, snapped.”
His eyes widen as his shoulders drop. “Right, that heat. Don’t, ah… don’t worry about it.”
Silence. Again.And I guess I should try to explain myself.No, I want to.
“Tanner, can I ask you something? Between us?”
His eyes narrow on me as if I’m a page in a journal he’s trying to read.
“I don’t want to put you in a situation. It’s— You know, never mind, I’m being silly.”
“I doubt that,” he says, earnestly. “And if itissilly, lucky for you, silly is my specialism.”
His lips curve but only on one side. Sexy. As. Hell. But not the point. “I don’t really have anyone else to talk to about this—”So I’m choosing my brother’s hot teammate?
“Auston, right?” he asks.
I nod shyly, resigned or relieved, I’m not sure. “How did you know?”
“I saw your phone when he messaged you last week. I’m also used to seeing you lit up like sunshine or bantering with me, even when Nelson has kept you up all night, so I figured your, ah?—”
“Mood?”
He rubs that groomed beard of his and winces. “I figured there was something on your mind.”
“Auston messaged again last night and called.”
“Is that the first time you’ve spoken to him since Nelson was born?”
“Longer. Before last night, Auston hadn’t talked to me since the day I found out I was pregnant and he told me to… well…”
Tanner nods, giving me his full attention, calm, but his hands are balled into fists and I catch the word “dick” leaving him with his next breath. It’s the smallest thing but I appreciate the support.
“What did he want?”
“He said he wants to meet Nelson. Then he said we had to go to see him in St Louis.”
“Fucking jerk,” he says, less subtle this time.
“I told him no and that it’s on him to make the effort to see his son if he wants to. But what do you think? Am I doing the right thing? If Auston’s interested, then I should be pleased he wants to see Nelson, right?”
I shrug, as if I’m expecting Tanner to answer all the questions I can’t for myself, though I don’t give him long enough to try. “What if he messes with us then leaves again? Why bring that on Nelson? But what about the day Nelson wonders why his daddy was never around and I have to tell him it’s because I didn’t try to fix it? ThatIdidn’t want to be around Auston?”
I’m spiraling like a patient case in one of my textbooks – words quickening, decibels rising.
Suddenly, Tanner’s warm hands are on my face, holding my cheeks, forcing me to look into those gentle dark eyes that feel like an anchor. “Annie, this isnoton you. This isnotyour fault. D’you hear me?”
