Page 93 of Out of Bounds
“Sure. It’s great,” I lie, thinking Tanner would have ordered me horchata or hot chocolate.
I spent years hooking up with Auston but did we ever reallytalk? Did heknowme?
We find a bench in the corner of the park and I unclip Nelson. Setting him down on his slightly wobbly legs, I ask, “Are you going to come see Auston?”
I haven’t started referring to Auston as Daddy and though I falter as I refer to him by name, until Auston proves he’s going to stick around, I don’t want to confuse Nelson.
“Come here, buddy,” he says, setting his coffee down on the bench and coming to bend in front of Nelson, offering his hands uncertainly.
My baby boy is the most grown up of the three of us, it would seem, tottering to take hold of his daddy’s hand and giving him a comfortable smile.
Auston walks him into the sand box and comes to sit on the edge, filling the toys I’ve brought along and building towers with them, while I sit back with my bitter drink to give them space.
I watch them play – stilted, unfamiliar – waiting for some kind of pang in my ovaries that never comes. Though I know I shouldn’t, I can’t help comparing Auston to Tanner. The way Tanner handles Nelson with zero apprehension. With ease and care and playfulness all at once. I doubt this is never going to turn into a coparenting situation but I will try my best to make sure Auston and Nelson stay connected.
Nelson starts to get ratty after only twenty minutes or so. “I’m sorry, this is his usual nap time.”Which you don’t know, otherwise you wouldn’t have suggested this time of day to meet him.“We could walk him to sleep in the buggy, if you like?”
He checks his watch and though I know he has a plane to catch, I fight against looking to the heavens.
“I’ve got a half hour. How are you getting home?”
“Betty, the nanny, dropped me and she’ll take us back to Tanner’s house.”
“Tanner? Tanner Pace?”
“Ah, yeah. We’ve been staying with him midweek, while I’m studying. It makes life easier without commuting from the ranch to college.”
“I assumed you were coming from your brother’s place.”
I shrug. I could get into this but, frankly, I don’t oweAuston an explanation.
“Right.” He scratches his neck and considers Nelson drifting off to sleep. “Are you two…?”
“Friends.”
He nods. “I guess if I wind up traded to the Bears, I’ll be dealing with that.” He speaks into the distance, as if weighing up the realities of moving here.
“Yeah, Auston, you would. Because…” I hesitate, not wanting to make this harder on him than it is but also knowing that I need to be honest with myself andhimfor once. “Nelson and I have a life without you in it.”
I can’t look but the way he stiffens is visible in my peripheral vision.
“What happens next, Annie? Tell me what I’m supposed to do.”
“I can’t, Auston. You need to figure this out for yourself. I have enough to support in my life without taking care of you, too. You have a girlfriend for that.”
He scoffs. “I’m not so sure about that. Not since I requested a trade.”
“I’m sorry to hear that but maybe that’s another reason to not rush to uproot your career. We both know this isn’t a trade based on football because if you play the way everyone knows you can, you’ll get the Archers fans back onside.”
He stops, we stop and face each other. “I’m all over the place, Annie. I’ve fucked up and I know it. I’m terrified of becoming my old man but in hiding, I’m doing that anyway. I don’t know how to fix things and I figure being here, where I could see you and Nelson, maybe we work out the next step?”
I sigh. “The fact you don’t want to be like him means you won’t let yourself become your daddy, Auston.” I don’t know everything about their relationship but I do know that his father was a drunk. “If you want my honest opinion, you shouldn’t rush into moving here. You’ve met your son twice. Why not start with seeing him some more, when you can for now. Try being a daddy. If the boot fits, then consider where you want to live and play ball. But frankly, the way you’re going about things right now is backassward.”
He stares at me for long seconds, until the mouth I used to adore breaks into a grin and he chuckles.
“Sorry, that was brutal,” I say.
He rubs his chin, still smiling. Then he sobers. “I’ve been a real dick, Annie.”
