Page 82 of Scarlet Wars
For a beat my old self threatened to catapult us both into another war of retorts and insults, but I forced myself to breathe slow, counting under my ribs until the hot buzz dulled.
When I spoke my voice was steadier than I felt. “I know you mean well. But you don’t get to dictate how I grieve, James.”
He stilled at that, the fury flickering into something quieter. “I know I’m the last person who should teach you about handling darkness. My rage haze still eats me alive half the time, and I’m sixty-five thousand shades of disappointment.”
I opened my mouth to counter, but he held up a hand, stopping me cold.
“But that’s not you,” he said, softer now, almost pleading. “You’re light, Emma. You’re bright. You’re everything I’m not.And I can’t—” his voice cracked, barely, “I can’t let you go down my path.”
He had no idea. He had no idea who I was anymore. Nor was he ready to acknowledge it.
Grow some balls and talk to the guy.
Caden’s words suddenly rang in my head, blunt and impossible to ignore.
I turned away and walked to the window, palms flat against the cool glass. “You and me fighting about this, isn’t helping,” I said, each word measured. “We need to talk about more than just what happened today.”
“Yes. We do,” he answered, his tone dry.
I pivoted back toward him. James stood a few feet away, shoulders squared like he was bracing for a fight, but his eyes were kind—waiting.
I shifted my weight, wishing the floor would swallow me. “Not exactly our strong suit.”
He snorted. “I think we can manage one chat without it escalating.”
I forced a thin smile. “So far, not the best start.” I took a deep breath. “Let’s just…not be defensive.”
His head tilted. “You saying I’m defensive?”
My jaw dropped. “Oh my gods, James?—”
He chuckled, almost softly. “Emma, relax, I’m kidding.”
I blinked, then huffed out a small laugh. “Okay, yeah. You got me.”
The corner of his mouth curved, that old smile flickering across his face like a ghost. Once, I’d lived for that smile.Could I really do that again?
“So. Our talk.”
I nodded, pushing the words out before I could lose my nerve. “We need a plan. A way to deal with the Chiefs. I knowthings have been…weird between us. But I loved you once, and maybe—maybe we could… I don’t know.”
The words clawed at my throat, every nerve screaming to keep them locked inside. My mouth went dry, my chest tightening like my body itself wanted to reject them. I had to force them past my lips, because if this was what it took to protect everyone I loved, then I didn’t have a choice. But it was almost impossible to ignore how much I didn’t want to.
James’s chin lifted, suspicion flashing across his face. “Are you suggesting we should get back together?”
I shrugged, pretending at nonchalance I didn’t feel. “I don’t think we have much choice in the matter.”
He went still. His fists curled at his sides, chest rising with one breath, then another. When his gaze found mine, there was no anger, only hurt. “Do you really think this is how I wanted you to give me another chance?”
I opened my mouth and closed it, the room tilting for a second. “I know it’s not ideal…” I let the rest trail off.
“Jesus.” He shook his head, the motion seemingly exhausted. “No, Emma. It’s not ideal, and more importantly, it’s not something I would ever be willing to settle for.”
He drew a long breath, fingers curling at his side as if to steady himself. “When I had a choice between betraying my heart or my people, I betrayed my heart. And I paid a steep price. I lost you…and then I chose wrong again. Instead of fighting for what we had, I gave you time and space.”
My heart thudded against my ribs so loud I was sure he could hear it.
“And then, whenyouhad the courage to come back to Cyclos and talk to me, I screwed it all up again out of jealousy.”
