Page 83 of The Sniper
Much of it makes no sense.
Hell, none of it makes sense.
We’re all just taking and losing our lives for men behind iron desks.Men who make decisions to protect our country...but do they?
Because it’s one fucking war after another.
Then another, and another.
Since the beginning of time.
Is war the nature of man?
I’ve tried to make sense of it.Seeing women and children as casualties of war doesn’t make sense, despite it being a reality.
“The dreams started almost immediately.Nightmares,” I tell him.“Then the anxiety.I didn’t know what it was to start with.First, it was an uneasy response to going on another mission.Then every time I’d climb into a jet.”
“Shit,” Liam curses, knowing the seriousness of that.We aren’t going on joyrides.Every member of the team needs to bring their A-game.
“I’d start sweating, my heart rate dangerously high.”
“Did you speak to one of the MFLC’s?”Liam asks, referring to the Military and Family Life Counselors.
No.
I didn’t.
Unless someone has experienced PTSD, they wouldn’t understand the strong desire tonottalk about it.
Hell, even acknowledging it exists is difficult.Sweating, heart pounding...you just tell yourself to man up and get over it, that we’re soldiers and our role is to deal with this stuff.
It’s what we are trained for.
If we can’t...we’ve failed.
That is what I don’t want my father to know.To look him in the eye and say I wasn’t man enough.
When I don’t respond, Liam shakes his head.“So, you’ve been dealing with this on your own.”
“It’s fine.”
“It’s not fucking fine.”He leans forward on the table, keeping his voice low as he grates out the words.“I saw what happened, your reaction.You can’t live like that.”
I glance away for a moment, then back at him.“You mean I can’t do this job?I know.Don’t you think I know?I told Josh I’m resigning.”
“You what?”
I shrug, but I’m not calm about this at all.What the hell am I going to do without this job?I can’t re-enlist.I can’t work security.
I have a goddamn mortgage now.
“There’s no way Josh Black just let you resign and walk away.What did he say?”
“No.”
Liam nods.“Good.You told him right?”
“No, I didn’t fucking tell him, Liam.Fuck.I haven’t told anyone until just now.”I toss back the rest of my beer.“Jesus, what am I going to say to Dad?”
