Page 84 of The Sniper
“He’ll understand,” Liam says, but even I hear the tone of his voice change, indicating he doesn’t even believe that lie.
Dad has strong beliefs about what men should be like.
We sit in silence for a long while.My thoughts go back and forth, trying to find a solution to this mess.I know I need to talk to someone, but I don’t see how they can make me unsee what I did.
I guess it might dull the trauma, but that just makes me feel like an asshole because perhaps I should suffer.Those women are spread across the earth and ant food right now.That kid lost his mother.
I’m still walking and breathing.
So poor fucking me.
I take meds to sleep at night.I wake drowsy and spend my days worrying about my future and how I’ll navigate life now.
The symptoms never went away.I’ve been less triggered while in sales.Now, with a weapon on my hip and someone depending on me, clearly it triggered me.
I woke this morning feeling pretty miserable that I wouldn’t see Tiffany’s face today.Or tomorrow.Or the next day.
Holding her in my arms for those few hours as we slept was special.I don’t want to admit it, but making love to her was different.She knows it, too.That’s why she’s mad with me.
If she knew the truth, if she knew everything, she wouldn’t look at me the same.
I trust you.
You shouldn’t.
Josh needs to accept my resignation.I’d rather not explain myself, but he deserves an explanation.Monday I will go in and hand in my weapon and other bits and pieces, then tell him I appreciate the opportunity.
Then what?
I don’t know, but right now OnlyFans is looking pretty good.
Jesus.From a respected Air Force sniper to jerking off into a camera.My father is never going to look me in the eye.
I don’t blame him.
Tiffany needs to understand that I am not worthy of her.What we shared this past week was amazing.But I’m essentially unemployed, broken, almost broke, and a fucking mess of a man.
She feels vulnerable, and because I’m six foot four, at least a hundred pounds heavier than her, armed, and we’ve been intimate, she wants me close to feel safe.
It’s a survival response.
Except she’s wrong; I can’t keep her safe.Ididn’tkeep her safe.
Whoever got into the house did so on my watch.
Jesus, if they’d come into the bedroom and I’d woken, who knows how I would’ve reacted.I might have reached for my gun and shot the person.
Instead of having a beer with Liam, I could be sitting in the police station answering a thousand questions.Eventually, my PTSD would be exposed, and that would likely get me locked up.
What a fucking mess.
“How was Tiffany after the second break-in?”
“Worried.”
“She can’t do any of those public events.She scared enough to cancel them?”
“Ask Noah.”I shrug.
