Page 86 of Roses from Pemberley
“I just wished to say goodbye to him.”
He nodded and they both looked up the hill. Minutes went by and the rain fell a little harder.
“Shall we go?” he asked gently, some time later.
She turned to him with a half smile. “Yes, let us go.”
He took her hand and they began to walk towards the waiting carriage.
“Are you well, Elizabeth?”
“I am,” she answered. “I have said my farewells and believe I can move forward from here.”
They arrived at the carriage and Darcy assisted her in.
She looked at his face in profile as the carriage began to move. It suddenly occurred to her that he had also lost a father at a young age and wondered what it had been like for him. “You were two and twenty, were you not, when your father passed?”
“I was.”
“Only a year older than I am now,” she murmured.
“Yes.”
She held out her hand and he crossed to the seat beside her. “Would you like to speak of it?”
He looked out the window and stared at the falling rain. “It was also raining on the day of my father’s funeral.”
Elizabeth squeezed his hand and hoped it would encourage him to continue. When he spoke again his voice was devoid of expression.
“We were at Pemberley - Richard, Uncle Henry, my Cousin Alex and other members of my family. I felt I had to be…dignified, that I had to appear…responsible. And so I said very little, thinking that, if I spoke too much, the university student in me would somehow make its way out.”
Elizabeth nodded. “Lady Matlock mentioned that you were at Cambridge when your feather died.”
“I was. They’d sent an express rider who found me at a local tavern, drinking ale with a few of my friends.” He smiled. “We had just taken an examination and were out celebrating. I was presented with a note from Mrs. Reynolds, the housekeeper at Pemberley, telling me that my father had been in a riding accident. I recall how the room suddenly became dissonant, andhow the sounds of my friends’ voices suddenly jarred my ears. I left everything behind and arranged for someone else to forward my belongings to Pemberley. Somehow I knew that I would not be going back. Graduation took place only a week later. I received my diploma but never attended it. In truth, I would not have wished to anyway, because I would have had no parents there to be proud of me.”
“Oh…my darling,” said Elizabeth, not quite able to suppress the anguish in her voice.
She pulled him towards herself and pressed his head against her shoulder. She felt his shaking sobs and held him closer. She knew not what to say and so remained silent, only occasionally kissing the side of his head, as she might a child.
Eventually he pulled back, pressed his palms to his eyes and looked at her. “I apologise for…”
“Do not apologise to me,” said Elizabeth, interrupting him. She smiled pensively. “For are we not one and the same? You may tell me anything, for it shall be my place now to care for you. Please, Darcy, tell me you understand this.”
He was quiet for some moments before eventually responding, “Yes, Elizabeth, I understand. Although it will take some getting used to…”
“I know it will, for you have been alone for so long. But you must get used to being cared for now - by me.” Now she squeezed his hand. “Keeping that in mind, will you share more with me about what happened at your father’s funeral?”
Darcy nodded and continued, “I sat in my father’s study that day, and stared at his estate journals. I thought about my friends in Cambridge and wondered what they might be doing. I sat there for more than an hour. The day was already dark but it grew even darker. There was no fire in the grate, and I could not even see anything.
“I kept thinking to myself, ‘What shall I do?’ ‘Who shall I turn to when the difficult decisions arise?’ ‘And how shall I ever manage to care for Georgiana who is only ten?’”
He stopped speaking and for a while she only held him.
“I cannot even imagine,” she whispered, “how difficult it must have been.”
“That was why I felt so guilty when, years later, I allowed Wickham to impose on Georgiana. I had always tried not to step the wrong way, not to make any grave errors in judgement where my responsibilities were concerned. And yet, despite all of my efforts, it happened anyway. That was actually what was occupying my mind on the night of the Meryton Assembly, when I insulted you so abominably.”
Elizabeth nodded wistfully. “I believe I understand everything more clearly now.”
