Page 34 of Rome
My heart sank, the hurt and anger I’d felt a moment ago giving way to something much, much worse. Fear, stronger than any I’d ever felt before, gripped me as I stared at that one, single tear.
“No,” I whispered, shaking my head in stunned disbelief. My mind flashed with an image of him as he walked through the door just minutes ago, devastation stamped on his face. Now, seeing that tear…I was desperately afraid that there was far more going on than just a hickey.
“You –“ I swallowed, my throat so tight that I could barely get the words out, “You cheated on me?”
I looked up at him, hoping against hope that he would tell me it wasn’t true, that he would tell me it was a ridiculous question, but all I saw when I looked in his eyes was the same heartbreak that I was sure he could see in mine.
He reached for me, tears brimming in his eyes, but I took a step back, then another and another. Pain blossomed in my chest, and it hurt to breathe. He advanced on me, and I threw my hands in front of me as if I were trying to ward off a painful blow.
“No!” I hissed. “Tell me I’m wrong, Caleb. Tell me you wouldneverdo that to me. Tell me you didn’t –“ my voice broke off with a sob and I just stared at him through the haze of my tears, unable to continue. Unable to actually say the words.Tell me you didn’t cheat on me.
“I’m so sorry.”
I stared at him, unmoving, unseeing, as the tears welled up, then slowly slid down my face. I knew my heart was beating – I could hear it throbbing in my ears, could feel it pounding in my chest – but I wasn’t sure how that was possible. How can a heartbeat when it’s being ripped apart? How can blood be pumping through my body when I feel as if my veins have turned to ice?
I whirled around, desperate to be somewhere – anywhere – other than in this room. With him, the man who had just destroyed me. My breath was choppy, and I felt like I couldn’t breathe. My knees buckled, and I was suddenly swept off my feet by the strong arms I knew so well. Only now, they didn’t make me feel safe. They didn’t make me feel comforted. They didn’t make me feel loved.
Caleb swiftly carried me into the living room, sitting me down gently on the couch as I pushed and shoved at him to make him let go of me. I realized I was screaming that very thing.
“Let me go! Don’t touch me!Let me go!”
“Baby girl, please calm down. Just listen to me.Please just listen!” Caleb dropped to his knees next to the couch, literally pleading with me to hear him out.
I swiped my hands over my cheeks to wipe away the tears, then swiped again as more tears fell. He tried to reach out to take hold of my hands, but I pulled away from him. He sat back on his heels and wiped away tears of his own.
“I got drunk,” he said quietly. I stared at him, but he was unable to meet my gaze. Instead, he focused his eyes on my hands which were laying in my lap. I had them clasped tightly together to stop them from shaking, but it didn’t really help.
“I swear to you, Abby, I thought it was you.” He reached for my hands again, and again I pulled away. He ran his hands through his hair in frustration, pulling on the strands as he yelled, “I was so goddamned drunk that I thought it was you!”
He looked up at me then, finally meeting my eyes. “I thought it was you,” he whispered again, like that somehow made it okay.
“Tell me,” I ordered, and I saw the uncertainty on his face. “Tell me,” I repeated, “I need to know exactly what happened. What the fuck did you do?”
I stared at him as he started talking. A strange sort of numbness had started taking over, seeping into my body, and dulling the pain and the shock and the anger, at least for now. His voice was quiet, controlled, as he recounted his day.
He said he’d had a rough day at the shop, but he didn’t elaborate, and I didn’t ask. He told me about Christy coming by to ask him for money, and about his suspicions that she was using. I couldn’t find it in me to care. He mentioned going for a short ride to try to clear his head before going to the clubhouse for the party. He insisted that he’d stuck to Dr. Pepper and water all night, before finally ordering a beer after arguing with Pic.
“Skid and Joker came over and sat at the bar with me, and I ordered another beer. When they ordered another one, I did, too. I had just finished my sixth or maybe seventh bottle when Irish sat down. He ordered a round of double shots, and some of the women joined us.”
The numbness, the blessed numbness that was keeping me sane right now, started to recede just a little bit at the mention of women. I realized with a start that I hadn’t given any thought toher, the woman my husband had chosen to fuck.
“I’m not sure how many shots we had. I think a few more of them might have been doubles.” He stopped then, swallowing hard, looking at me hesitantly.
I tried to hold on to the numbness, knowing that once it was gone, the pain would come rushing back, overwhelming me.
“Go on,” I prompted woodenly, and Caleb looked away for a moment, his eyes flicking back to mine before he looked away for good. He bent his head, staring down at his hands which were now curling tightly into fists as they rested on top of his thighs.
“I decided I’d had enough,” he paused, and I couldn’t help my snort of disgust at his obvious comment. Ya think? Six or seven beers and countless shots, when he’d promised me that he wouldn’t drink. Yeah, I’d say that qualified asenough.
I stared at his bent head, waiting for him to continue.
“I bumped into one of the women as I stood up, and then I tripped or stumbled or something, so she offered to help me up the stairs.”
“Who?”
Caleb looked up in confusion, so I clarified.
“Who was she, Caleb? The woman you fucked. What’s her name?” My voice was flat, and so devoid of emotion that I could have been asking about the weather.
