Page 62 of Rome
I didn’t have any excuse for not letting her know, and I knew better. After all, Kim had stressed to me that I needed to be transparent with all of my activities, and to account for all of my time, especially in the beginning while we’re trying to rebuild trust. I’d fucked up, again, and I’d upset my wife, again.
As soon as Abby walked back downstairs after putting Ethan to bed, Amelia disappeared into the den with Everly. Abby sat down and picked up the remote control, turning off the TV just as Monday Night Football was starting.
“We need to talk,” she said quietly. My gut twisted. I could tell by the look on her face that this was not going to be good.
She explained how she’d been feeling increasingly stressed and anxious, and how she thought it was affecting Everly when she nursed. She told me how relieved she felt when I left the house to go to work, or to Church, which made me feel like I’d been punched in the damned throat.
“It’s not good for me, or for the kids. I don’t think it’s good for you either, Caleb.” Her voice was soft but determined. “I heard you last night, on the monitor.”
I tried to remember what I’d said. I always talked to Everly, usually a stream of nonsense just to soothe her. Last night though, I’d poured my heart out to her. Shit. I never meant for Abby to hear that.
“You were right, you know. Everly hasn’t seen me smile. She and Ethan do deserve a happy mom, and I deserve to be happy, too. I don’t think you can make that happen though, at least not right now.”
My heart stopped. I’m pretty sure it literally skipped a few beats as I tried to process what she was saying.
“Baby girl, what…” my voice broke, and I took a deep, ragged breath before trying again. “What are you saying?”
“I want you to move out.”
I was already shaking my head before she even finished the sentence. I could feel the panic rising up in me.
“No, I’m not – “
“Dammit, Caleb, listen to me!” Abby was done being calm, soft, and controlled. She wasn’t quite shouting, but it was close.
“It hurts to look at you. It physically hurts. All I can see is that goddamned hickey on your neck, and that woman sucking you off, riding you inourbed. But even worse, it hurts that you didn’t listen to me when I talked to you about your drinking. You lived your life the way you wanted to because you thought you knew best. You disregarded my feelings, just like you did all those years ago. I begged you, Caleb, and you wouldn’t listen.”
“I’m getting help, baby girl. The brothers all know now, and they’ll stop me. Honestly, Abs, they won’t need to. The memory of what I did to you will stop me, I promise you.” My hands were shaking as I reached for her, but she stood up and started pacing the room.
“The memory of our son finding you passed out on the bathroom floor wasn’t memory enough to stop you. I can’t rely on your promise. I did that before, and you broke that promise. I can’t just hope that other people will keep you from drinking. Asking people to help hold you accountable is a good first step, Caleb, but that’s all it is…a first step. There has to be more to your plan, and I know you and Kim are working on that, but I can’t wait for that to happen. I have to be strong for our kidsnow. I can’t do that if I can’t heal, and I can’t heal with you here. Every time I look at you, the wound opens up again. I need time for the wound to heal, Caleb, or for it to at least scab over so I’m not bleeding out every time I see your face.”
My heart was racing now, the sound of the blood rushing through my veins was so loud I could barely hear what Abby was saying.
“So, you want a divorce? Please tell me that’s not what you’re asking for, baby girl. Please.” My vision was blurred by the tears welling in my eyes.
“No, I…I just need you to move out while we try to see if we can make this work. The kids can’t live with all this tension in the house. I can’t either.”
That was one fucking thing she’d said that I could agree with, but I wasn’t ready to concede defeat yet.
“Can we just take tonight and think it over? I’ll take tomorrow off. I’ll come back here after I drop E at school, and we can talk again. Then, if you still want me to go, I’ll stay with Sinner for a while again.”
Abby reluctantly agreed, then walked down the hall to the den, coming back out moments later with Everly cradled in her arms. She carried her upstairs without looking at me, and I heard the click of our bedroom door.
Amelia came out of the den a few minutes later. I was still sitting right where Abby had left me. I felt completely numb, and I was almost afraid for that numbness to fade because I knew the pain that followed would probably kill me. I wondered if Abby had felt the same way on that fucking Sunday.
“Rome? I’ll take Ethan to school in the morning, and then I’ll take Everly over to my apartment for the morning to give you two a chance to talk again.”
“You heard?”
“Yeah, most of it anyway.”
“I can’t lose her, Lia.”
She didn’t say anything. She just gave me a sad, pitying look before she turned and went back into the den.
I didn’t sleep a wink, and it was a relief when I heard Everly start fussing for her four o’clock feed. I had already started warming the bottle, knowing it was coming, so when I heard her stirring on the monitor, it didn’t take me long to get upstairs to her. I held her in silence as I fed her, trying like hell not to think about the fact that this might be the last middle of the night feeding that I got to be around for. I couldn’t bring myself to put her down when she finished, and I held her in my arms until the sun came up.
I finally went downstairs to begin getting breakfast for Ethan, needing this morning to be as normal as possible for him, and for me, in case it all changed later today.
