Page 63 of Rome
Abby must have had the same thought because she tried extra hard to present a happy front for him. She did a damned good job of it, too. So good, that I wondered if she seemed happier because she knew I was leaving today. I held onto my feelings until after Amelia and the kids left.
“What did you decide?”
Abby looked taken aback at the belligerent tone I used. “I want you to move out for a while,” she said quietly.
I shook my head angrily. “I can’t believe you’re throwing everything away,you’re throwing us away, over one fucking mistake.”
She reared back in shock, and then her eyes narrowed on me. “I’m not throwing us away. You did that, and it was notonemistake. It was just thefinalmistake. You got drunk and had sex with another woman, Caleb. Don’t you see that it’s going to take time for me to get over that, if I ever do?”
I’d like to blame what happened next on a lack of sleep, combined with a bone-deep fear that I was losing my wife and kids forever. The truth of the matter is that I’m apparently even more of a motherfucking asshole than I’d thought, and l lost every ounce of common sense at the same time I lost my temper.
“I broke my promiseone goddamned timeabout the drinking, and I didn’t have sex with her, for Christ’s sake.It was just a blowjob!”
Chapter 20
Abby
Caleb blanched as he realized what he’d just said.
“Shit, Abby, I didn’t mean it like that. You know I – “
I shook my head in disbelief as I tried to absorb the death blow he’d just delivered to our marriage. I held my hand up to cut off his frantic apology. “I’m going to wait in the den while you pack your things.”
Caleb dropped his head in defeat. He looked back up at me with glassy eyes, but I hardened my heart. What he’d just said proved my point. I couldn’t trust him to keep his promise in the future, if he thought it wasn’t that bad because it wasjustone broken promise, andjusta blowjob. The way he had minimized his betrayals stunned me.
“OK, I’ll go. You don’t have to hide out in the den. It won’t take me more than a few minutes to grab some things.”
I looked at him then, realizing that I hadn’t made myself clear.
“Packallof your things, Caleb. We’re done.”
I turned away as I saw the tears welling in eyes. I needed to get away before I changed my mind.
I broke my promise one goddamned time. It was just a blowjob.The words running in a continuous loop in my brain fed my anger and gave me a strange sense of strength as I walked down the hallway to the den and quietly shut and locked the door behind me.
I sank down onto the edge of the twin bed that Amelia had been using, my mind clear of every single thought except those two sentences.I broke my promise one goddamned time. It was just a blowjob.I felt the bile rise up in my throat and was suddenly thankful I hadn’t eaten any breakfast earlier.
My phone buzzed with a message from my mom, just checking in on me. I knew Amelia had called her last night. I wasn’t up to talking to anyone right now though.
I turned on the TV on the wall in front of the treadmill, just to have some noise to cover up the sounds of Caleb moving through the house. After about forty minutes or so, I heard the rumble of the overhead garage door opening. The den shared a wall with the garage, so the sound was especially loud in this room. I turned the TV off and waited until I heard Caleb’s Tahoe backing out, and then the door closing again, before I ventured out of the room.
I called Kim and left a message asking if she had any sessions available today. My next call was to the lawyer that my dad had recommended to me the day after he’d found out what Caleb had done. At the time, I didn’t think I would need to use it. I’d had faith that we could work this out. My faith was shattered now.
Later, after talking with Kim, and making an appointment with the attorney for the next day, I wandered through the house. In our bedroom– my bedroom now– the sight of Caleb’s side of the closet brought me to my knees. I curled up on the bedroom floor and cried as I stared at the empty space, with only four empty hangers left behind. When I finally got up to blow my nose and splash cold water on my face, I absorbed another blow when I looked at the toothbrush holder that only held my toothbrush now. When I checked his dresser drawers, I cried again. They were all empty, except for a well-worn hoodie. It was the one I always borrowed when I got cold.
One week later, Caleb was served with divorce papers at Guardian Ink, Ethan was trying to understand why his daddy didn’t live with us anymore, and I was trying not to fall apart.
One month later, we were slowly finding our new normal. I had twice-weekly sessions with Kim, and I knew Caleb was seeing her twice a week as well. We had a joint session once a week, to learn how to co-parent amicably, as Kim put it, and to learn how best to support our son and maintain a healthy, stable environment for him and Everly. To that end, Caleb joined us for dinner some nights, or arrived in time to put Ethan and Everly to bed on others. He would come over on Saturday mornings for breakfast and would then take Ethan out for the day. He’d taken Everly a couple of times, too, on days when they all went back to Pop’s house for the day. He hadn’t taken them for an overnight visit yet and wouldn’t be able to with Everly for a while. Both Kim and her pediatrician recommended no overnight visits until she was at least six months old, since I still nursed her at night.
For the first two weeks after I kicked him out, Caleb swore that he would fight the divorce. He was adamant that we could work things out. He refused to sign the papers after they were delivered, until King and Pop sat down with him for a heart-to-heart. I didn’t know what they’d said to him, but he’d come to me the next day, looking every bit as broken on the outside as I felt on the inside. He’d told me that he didn’t want the divorce, and that he would go to his grave loving me, but he understood that I couldn’t get past what he’d done. He’d apologized once more, told me he wanted me to be happy, and if a divorce was the only way to make that happen, then he would sign.
I’d cried for the rest of the day. I joined a gym the next week and secured a new job the week after that. The secretary at Ethan’s school had given notice, after her husband received a job transfer out of state. I started at the beginning of January, right after Christmas break ended. It meant finding someone to watch Everly, but at least my schedule coincided with Ethan’s school day.
I got lucky because my cousin Taylor, Charlotte’s daughter, had decided to be a stay-at-home mom after her son was born two weeks after Everly. She wanted to earn a little extra income though and offered to watch Ev for me. It’s been a little over two weeks, and it’s worked out well so far, although I miss my little girl terribly during the day.
Caleb had insisted that I didn’t need to work, but I refused to let him support me. He had already instructed his lawyer to include an overly generous child support agreement when he submitted his part of the paperwork to the court. No matter how much I objected, he also insisted on paying all of the bills – the mortgage, utilities, and groceries. I had assumed we would sell the house and split the proceeds, but he refused.
“No, we aren’t selling. This is Ethan’s home, and I don’t want his life to change any more than it already has. I’m paying for the house, baby girl, and that’s final.”
